Telling It Like It Is

I laugh when people tell me that they “tell it like it is.” Oh really? You have cornered the market on truth and reality and only you the great Kreskin can “tell it like it is.” Perhaps you can follow it up with something equally insightful like the “point is mute.” I’d love to compete with you in this contest of who can be the most honest but I am stuck waiting for Godot.  That clown owes me twenty bucks and if he doesn’t pay up I am going to see if I can find my pal Major Major to lay a mighty beating down upon him.

Don’t know why but I like the term, “mighty beating.” Something about that grabs me and makes me smile. Not because I want to hurt someone, but because if you are going to beat someone you might as well do a good job of it. Otherwise what is the point of it. Ok, I lied a moment ago because there is someone that I want to hurt. The guy in the Mercedes who cut me off on Ventura Boulevard not once, but twice and then gave me the finger because I honked at him. Why did I honk? Because the light was green and he was too busy picking his nose while talking on the cellphone.

Although I will give him credit for having the good sense to make more efficient use of his hands free device. Who knew that it also turned off courtesy and common sense. To be clear I wouldn’t give him a “mighty beating.” No, him I would slap. If you are not male you might not be aware of the significance of slapping another man. That my friends is considered to be a serious insult. It is a dig at your manhood. Men don’t slap other men. So if you ever see me do it you know that I consider the person that was slapped to be despicable and someone I have contempt for.

Speaking of contempt I am pleased to say that I have never been found in contempt of court. That would be bad. I don’t have the extra cash to pay the fine nor the desire to be locked up. Incarceration and I don’t get along well. Though I have been called an animal I am not the sort that would do well in a cage. Just like Bodhi in Point Break, I am not going down, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Every time I see Keanu in a movie it reminds me that I could be a movie star too. Sometimes luck is more important than talent.

So I sent out the tweet below and got back lots of responses, fortunately none from Jessie because I’d hate to slap him too. Of course he would probably want to bestow a mighty beating upon me so I might have to instill the fear for the Flying Spaghetti Monster upon him. You know that us Pastafarians may be a group of a meatballs but we do have our saucy side too.

Well, it is time to get back to working on important issues like curing cancer, helping the homeless and doing real work because these children of mine want to eat.

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  1. J. DesRochers February 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    This was all too funny, you are quite the comedian.

  2. Jared Karol February 21, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Damn, Jack, you’re telling it like it is. I like that. RAmen. . .


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