Toilets, Time and To Do Lists

There are days where I feel like I should have The Pep Boys watching my back but instead of Manny, Moe and Jack I have Larry, Moe and Curly. Granted I find Curly and company to be far more fun to hang out with and given the choice I’d opt for them or Groucho, Chico and Harpo. That is just how I roll, kind of goofy and off the wall. I might like the idea of being cool but that jacket doesn’t fit me as well as it could. I don’t pull it off very well so I don’t try. It is one of the joys of being older, I am comfortable with myself. Ah hell, truth is that I have been comfortable for years.

Won’t lie and say that I don’t sometimes think about being cool because it would be kind of fun, but I am not. I am who I am and that works just fine for me. I am a love him or hate him kind of guy. You get me or you don’t and I am ok with that too.

I am rambling along trying to clear my head and reset my brain, ya know, reboot the old hard drive. I had a list of things that I intended to do today but it got blown out of the water. I had a plumbing emergency that I couldn’t deal with and I had to call the plumber. It is irritating because in this case I knew what to do, but I didn’t have the equipment to fix the problem. I needed a bigger snake than the one in the garage and in my pants. Hah, juvenile humor isn’t that funny. But we are talking about toilets and damn if the blog isn’t filled with bathroom tales and scatological humor. If you are still reading you must like it, which means that you are really smart. Not to mention that you have excellent taste.

The plumber didn’t show up when expected and then was here longer than I had anticipated. So even though I began the day with a 7 AM conference  call and had knocked off three items off of my to-do list before 9 am it didn’t matter. Didn’t matter because the time I lost due to the plumbing issue created an issue and of course it was exacerbated by finding out that I need to take the van in for a service call. Never mind that I just had the front brakes done two weeks ago. If the car were human I would have to kick its ass but since it is not I’ll have to write a silly blog post about it.

Since I had the plumber at the house I had him take a look at one of the toilets. Said toilet has been rocking around a bit and creating a new fear for me. This will sound ridiculous, but my overactive imagination pictures me in the middle of doing my business when the toilet makes like a mechanical bull and throws me off of it. Yes that is ridiculous and unlikely to happen, but I am a writer and we have active imaginations. Incidentally if I ever write a script for a James Bond movie I am going to have Q set Bond up with the Bucking Bronco Toilet. It is the perfect way for Bond to knock the shit out of the supervillain he faces.

This reminds me of a time once when I was driving on the westside and some dude in a Mercedes cut me off…twice. It just so happened that I noticed that the other driver had conveniently left their sunroof open. Why was it convenient? Because it just so happened that I had a dirty diaper in the front seat so I was able to pull alongside of his vehicle and nail him with a diaper bomb. Just kidding, that never happened. Although I must admit that I have wished that I could a bag of shit on top of some of these other drivers.

Anyway let’s go back to the rocking toilet that doesn’t play music. I was fairly certain that I knew why it was rocking and what to do about it but decided to confirm with my pal Pete Da Plumber. He confirmed that the Johnny bolt on the right hand side was busted and that I would need to replace it.  I have done it before, replaced a toilet that is. You merely turn off the water, unscrew, lift, clean up the old wax seal, put the toilet back down, screw and turn the water back on. It is not that hard, but it is a bit of a pain in the ass so I haven’t done it.

I didn’t want to pay the plumber a $100 for something that I can do but at the same time I sort of wonder if I should have. Time is of the essence now and I am busting my balls trying to get some things done. The only reason that I had time to write this is because I am in between conference calls and had ten minutes. That is too long to do nothing with and not enough time to start a new project. If I doubted that today was Monday the events of the morning have proven otherwise. All I have to say is feh on this.

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  1. Abby February 28, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    I am OK with the “cool coat” clashing with my personality, but I am not OK with toilet malfunctions on a Monday. That is unacceptable, and considering that I can’t fix my own damn toilet, I am at the mercy of others with plumbing skills I lack. In other words, I feel your pain (but do not share your fear of the toilet transformation into a mechanical raging bull.)

    You’re on your own with that one, cowboy.

  2. Belinda February 28, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Oh, Jack, toilet and van malfunction on a Monday? SO good that you have your sense of humor intact. Hope your day gets better.

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