The Time Space Continuum

Don’t read this post unless you are seated, sedated and or the owner of a cast iron stomach. Truth is it would be best if you had all of those things going for you, seated, sedated and owner of a cast iron stomach- but beggars can’t be choosers so here goes. I think that the time space continuum is torn and or broken. I know that sounds crazy and that right about now you are wondering if I am going to talk about finding Doc Brown and or a Flux Capacitor- but it is true.

I know that it is true because I am closer to 45 than I am to 30. Fact is that I am closer to 50 than I am to 30 so clearly there is something wrong here. I became a father less than two weeks ago. Yep, can’t be more than that because I remember a few of the boys and I got together to have a joint celebration of turning 30. Part of the reason I remember is that they were single and  I was not. While they tried to bust my chops about how much action they expected to get after the party I laughed because they had no guarantees where I clearly did.

Anyway, not so long after that party I learned that not only could my boys swim, they were veritable Olympic champions capable of covering great distances in a short amount of time. And well, they certainly did their job which is why I found myself no longer mulling over whether it would sound good to be called dad but learning to respond to it.  I remember the pride I felt and how crazy yet relaxed I was. I was reading this Tom Clancy novel about cold war activities and wondering whatever he would write about. The wall had fallen and the Soviet Union had collapsed. With the end of the Cold War we had one superpower in the world and a few crazy men, but not such a big deal.

That Saddam Hussein guy invaded Kuwait and then got his butt kicked so my kids probably wouldn’t have to worry about a lot of things. Really, the world would still have trouble but major wars were probably done. And then this happened and by this I mean today. I woke up and discovered that the baby boy is far older, dude aged over night. Not to mention that he has a kid sister who walks, talks, skips and sings. As a matter of fact before she left for school today she came over, kissed me goodbye and said, “goodbye daddy.”

So in the midst of all this I learned that Madonna is over 50, Michael Jackson is dead and people call U2 and Springsteen classic rock. Pretty freaking crazy.

Now don’t go getting all upset and bent out of shape because I am working on it.

Yes, I have assigned two quadrants of the great brain to ponder this conundrum and to determine just how this got to be.



Now follow along closely here and you’ll see that if we make a few modifications:



We can see that there is a progression and that this has led to a few changes in the Spaner-HoltzBaren Constant. So if you continue along the Ripper line, carry the line subtract two and add your Pi R Squared to it you’ll find that time had indeed passed but not by normal means because there is no way that I am old enough to think that it would be cool to be 35 again or that it is more than 20 years since the Dodgers won the World Series. The only thing that makes sense to me is that the Lakers are still dominant, but I can’t figure out how Kobe went from being a young player to a grizzled veteran.

Hell, I am a not a Bulls fan but even I can’t believe that is 13 years since Jordan won a championship. I could go on but I think that it is obvious even to you that something is wrong with the Time Space Continuum and unless we can figure it out we better start exercising more and putting more cash into our retirement because that time is coming along much faster than I ever thought it could.

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  1. Cathy April 6, 2011 at 10:24 am

    I get a little freaked out when I think that I’ve been out of college 20 years, that I’ve been driving for over 25 years and my babysitter never heard of Fast Times and Ridgemont High.

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