The Many Layers of Hell

Wildfire at Joshua Tree NPS Photo

I can’t remember who said that there are many levels of Hell, but I know that there are many and that I have been to at least a couple. The Department of Motor Vehicles, The Mall during the holidays and most recently Costco and Trader Joe’s market on a Sunday afternoon.

It is common knowledge among the intellectual elite that venturing to a Trader Joe’s, home of “Two Buck Chuck” vintage wines and fine cheeses will involve solving a puzzle that is a prerequisite for entrance into Mensa. It is called parking. Some sick man/woman in their corporate office gleefully searches for store locations that cannot support the traffic that the store will bring, or so it seems.

I conducted an unscientific survey in which I drove to four stores and then polled the people there and the three dogs that were tied up in front of the stores about this. All of them agree that parking at any Trader Joe’s is an exercise in treachery and guile best left to politicians or those of low moral fiber.

But food is the way to my heart, next to the miles of veins and arteries interred inside my body and I decided that my family required sustenance. As the hunter-gatherer in the household I was required by nature to dare to traverse the challenges that this entailed.

So I ask the dear reader, was I just fool hardy on this errand or is it poor customer service to ask your customers to engage in demolition derby so that they can frequent your store in hope’s of buying food. All I know is that the experience in the parking lot was merely a warm-up for what was waiting inside. As I approached the store I grabbed a shopping cart and bravely entered, armed for bear and ready for hand-to-hand combat.

Needless to say I was not surprised to find aisles packed with hungry shoppers all of whom had the same shopping list as I. Who would have thought that we all needed cheese, soy milk, crackers, cereal, chocolate, wine, juice and produce, more specifically blueberries. The same evil executive who designed the parking lot was surely chuckling as we banged and bounced off of each other’s carts and bodies. In my younger days I would have enjoyed the adventure, but now it just rubbed me raw.

After what felt like days I managed to check out and take my purchases home for deposit into the refrigerator and cupboards. But something in my skull must have been jarred during this experience, because I knew that my shopping was not done. Now I had to run the gauntlet and go to Costco.

You Must Run The Gauntlet

Costco, another parking nightmare not unlike Trader Joe’s, but on a much larger scale. Costco, where I knew that the primitives would lose their minds and trample me and small children in the fight to get the free sample of the seafood dip or the greasy slice of pizza. Costco where you go broke saving money by purchasing two tons of toilet paper at a time.

The good news is that you’ll never worry about wiping, but you may worry about wiping out your checkbook. That is assuming of course that you can get a parking space without being overcome by road rage. And assuming that you manage to win the fight to maintain composure there is still the very real chance that you may succumb to some other malady, some other shopping rage. There is only so much one person can take. You can’t be bumped and pushed a hundred times or prevented from reading the description of that new fruit drink they are offering. Heaven forbid, you might miss out on taking advantage of the deep discount they offer for a trough of butter.

Why oh why do the folks in Kirkland not understand that we want, no must have parking attendants in the lot, turn signals on the carts and signal lights on the aisles. How much more bruising can a person’s lower back take before Kirkland understands that shopping carts need padding.

Because the tragedy of this is that while you can shop at both of these stores online you cannot squeeze the pears, nor smell the sausage or appreciate the scent of a good melon. There are still some challenges that technology has yet to overcome. Oh the humanity of it all.

(Visited 155 times, 1 visits today)

6 Comments

  1. IzzyMom April 8, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    We don’t have a Trader Joe’s so I’ll have to take your word on that but we do have a Sam’s Club and it’s DEFINITELY a circle of hell. (Also, Akismet still thinks you’re a comment spammer 🙂

  2. Sarah April 8, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Dante. It was Dante who discussed the seven layers of hell in his book, Inferno. If he were alive today, I’m certain he would agree that Sunday afternoon parking in front of Trader Joe’s falls into the second layer, at least.
    Gosh, I miss that store. Eat some pot-stickers for me, please!

    • Jack April 8, 2011 at 10:34 pm

      Yes, my dear friend Dante who really should have hung out with Milton. I wish that only Sundays were bad. Out here every day is challenging. If I didn’t love that store…

  3. Abby April 8, 2011 at 4:27 am

    You don’t know how lucky you are. I am a huge grocery shopper and food lover, but alas, we have no Trader Joes or Whole Foods within 300 miles of my house. I have been to both in the past, and know that I would probably have to set up a temporary residence next to TJs if one came close. Then again, with the money I would probably spend, that tent would end up being my permanent residence.

    Perhaps my limited exposure to these places is a good thing. Then again, I had the cashier at my grocery store ask me what my green beans were last night so she could ring them up…oy!

    • Jack April 8, 2011 at 10:33 pm

      No TJs or Whole Foods- damn you must live in some godforsaken town. 😉 I like Trader Joes more than Whole Foods, but that is financial in nature. It is just a little bit cheaper. Although there is a monster Whole Foods not too far away that I have fallen in love with.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

You may also like