The Best Cover Letter….Ever

letters

The Best Cover Letter….Ever

Dear Mr. Johnson,

Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.

Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I can’t promise you that I’ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.

In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.

Let’s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.

The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and I’ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case I’ll ask you for more money.

As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.

I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I won’t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.

Unlike other employees I won’t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just don’t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.

Which I suppose is why you really don’t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctor’s note when I am out sick.

Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I won’t fake a doctor’s note, I’ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and I’ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.

Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.

Sincerely,

Jack, the guy who can’t wait to be your Luke.

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Comments

  1. Why now?
    I appreciate your honesty and find the facts you chose to share interesting.

  2. Have a Super Day and a Fantastic Weekend!

  3. @ Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, . . . Hilarious, gave me a good chuckle . . . hehehe . . .

  4. @Sarcasm Goddess Awesome. Me and my awesome popcorn popping skills are on the way. 😉

  5. Sarcasm Goddess says

    I am in the process of hiring an assistant. So far, all of the candidates suck. You seem like the perfect choice. You can start immediately. P.S. You had me at “popcorn.”

  6. Oh man, why didn’t I stop by yesterday? Hilarity, and a few questions and I of course expect some honest answers: Can you handle yourself if called upon for a stapler duel at 30 paces? Will you ever call in hungover and if so, I’ll be invited to the party yes? Can you reheat fish w/ out making a stink, Mr. Showoff? Tricked you jedi, there is no do on that one, impossible. FWIW.

    • @davinabrewer:disqus I am deadly with a stapler in either hand and have been known to two fist them. 😉 As for reheating fish well the answer is that I can do that without the stink too. There are no limits on us, only those we create.

  7. VictoriaKP says

    No need to jump to conclusions! Not ALL ice cream truck drivers are pedophiles… some are just drug dealers 😉

  8. Dude. When I hear “drive an ice cream truck” I automatically think “pedophile”. I mean, seriously. Who else drives an ice cream truck. Am I right???

    • Hey now, some of us aren’t sick and yet are still interested in driving the truck. There is a endless supply of bomb pops, 50-50 bars, creamsicles and music. Of course my truck wouldn’t play kids tunes. I’d load it up with some much cooler tunes.

  9. Thank you. I have used that letter a few times

  10. Haha what a great and funny post!

  11. Honesty is always the best policy. 🙂

  12. Honesty is always the best policy. 🙂

  13. Actually I would argue that you are stuck with me. 😉

  14. Actually I would argue that you are stuck with me. 😉

  15. If you are required to have personality and/or write for this job, I think you’re golden…

    …otherwise, I think you’re stuck with us. 🙂

    A great read first thing in the morning.

  16. This is so very perfect!

  17. This is so very perfect!

  18. This is so very perfect!

  19. First time here. If this is typical reading I’ll be back Jack… again and again. Thanks for the laugh. The image of hiding under a cubicle armed with rubber bands and paperclips is priceless. Loved your post!

    ~Theresa

    • Hi Theresa,

      Welcome to the blog.It is my little cybershack, an outpost of nonsense, no sense and incense but never incest. Hell I shouldn’t include that in the comments because it will create all sorts of SEO crazines, but I am crazy like that. Since i don’t have any rhythm I don’t march to the beat of a different drummer, I just step a little bit.

      Don’t ask me what that means because I don’t know. Look forward to seeing you again.

  20. First time here. If this is typical reading I’ll be back Jack… again and again. Thanks for the laugh. The image of hiding under a cubicle armed with rubber bands and paperclips is priceless. Loved your post!

    ~Theresa

  21. First time here. If this is typical reading I’ll be back Jack… again and again. Thanks for the laugh. The image of hiding under a cubicle armed with rubber bands and paperclips is priceless. Loved your post!

    ~Theresa

    • Hi Theresa,

      Welcome to the blog.It is my little cybershack, an outpost of nonsense, no sense and incense but never incest. Hell I shouldn’t include that in the comments because it will create all sorts of SEO crazines, but I am crazy like that. Since i don’t have any rhythm I don’t march to the beat of a different drummer, I just step a little bit.

      Don’t ask me what that means because I don’t know. Look forward to seeing you again.

    • Hi Theresa,

      Welcome to the blog.It is my little cybershack, an outpost of nonsense, no sense and incense but never incest. Hell I shouldn’t include that in the comments because it will create all sorts of SEO crazines, but I am crazy like that. Since i don’t have any rhythm I don’t march to the beat of a different drummer, I just step a little bit.

      Don’t ask me what that means because I don’t know. Look forward to seeing you again.

  22. Luke. I am your father.

    Well, not really, but if I was I’d be proud of you.

    Hilarious post, man!

    • Aw heck just as I was about to ask for the keys to the car and a couple of bucks you have to lay that “I am not your father” bit on me. Well, maybe next time. Hope to see you soon.

  23. Luke. I am your father.

    Well, not really, but if I was I’d be proud of you.

    Hilarious post, man!

  24. Luke. I am your father.

    Well, not really, but if I was I’d be proud of you.

    Hilarious post, man!

    • Aw heck just as I was about to ask for the keys to the car and a couple of bucks you have to lay that “I am not your father” bit on me. Well, maybe next time. Hope to see you soon.

    • Aw heck just as I was about to ask for the keys to the car and a couple of bucks you have to lay that “I am not your father” bit on me. Well, maybe next time. Hope to see you soon.

  25. StartYourNovel says

    Anybody would be lucky to have you.

    The skills you mention are undervalued in the workplace. Well, officially, at least.
    If I were an employer and read a cover letter like this one, I would sure like to know more about the person who sent it.

    There are too many people sending out cookie-cutter CVs and cover letters right now. We need a game change. Like Seth Godin said, “linchpins don’t have CVs, they have portfolios.”

    • I am not good at cookie cutter. It is not that I can’t do it because I can. It just doesn’t work for me. And as you mentioned since everyone and their mother is using basic stuff I figure that there is no harm in trying something different.

  26. Anonymous says

    Anybody would be lucky to have you.

    The skills you mention are undervalued in the workplace. Well, officially, at least.
    If I were an employer and read a cover letter like this one, I would sure like to know more about the person who sent it.

    There are too many people sending out cookie-cutter CVs and cover letters right now. We need a game change. Like Seth Godin said, “linchpins don’t have CVs, they have portfolios.”

  27. Anonymous says

    Anybody would be lucky to have you.

    The skills you mention are undervalued in the workplace. Well, officially, at least.
    If I were an employer and read a cover letter like this one, I would sure like to know more about the person who sent it.

    There are too many people sending out cookie-cutter CVs and cover letters right now. We need a game change. Like Seth Godin said, “linchpins don’t have CVs, they have portfolios.”

    • I am not good at cookie cutter. It is not that I can’t do it because I can. It just doesn’t work for me. And as you mentioned since everyone and their mother is using basic stuff I figure that there is no harm in trying something different.

    • I am not good at cookie cutter. It is not that I can’t do it because I can. It just doesn’t work for me. And as you mentioned since everyone and their mother is using basic stuff I figure that there is no harm in trying something different.

  28. Hysterical – thank you for my Tuesday morning laugh.

  29. Hysterical – thank you for my Tuesday morning laugh.

  30. Hysterical – thank you for my Tuesday morning laugh.

  31. I thought you might like this:

    My letter to Steve Ballmer- to which I received a response http://wp.me/pbg0R-z

  32. I thought you might like this:

    My letter to Steve Ballmer- to which I received a response http://wp.me/pbg0R-z

  33. I thought you might like this:

    My letter to Steve Ballmer- to which I received a response http://wp.me/pbg0R-z

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