The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for May 2011

I Survived The Rapture & All I Got Was a T-Shirt

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Saturday night is here and I can’t stop thinking about two poems that I once shared with someone The Passionate Shepherd to His Love by Christopher Marlowe and Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley.  Headphones adorn my head and leave me alone in the island that I have created while Springsteen sings about The Long Walk Home. It is a mysterious and magical mix of hope, love and loss that keep me company.

The clickety clack of the keyboard intermixed with the rhythmic taps of my fingers and the sounds of the dog snoring make for quite the stew of sight and sound. My heart and head continue to battle each other for control and so I sit here sharing the silly and the sublime with you.

The cranky curmudgeon that occupies this body is playing around with thoughts and ideas for posts celebrating the coming blogiversary. Seven years of labor have gone into this blog. Seven years of tumult and turmoil mixed in with a boatload of nonsense. I “celebrate” my blogiversary each year and this year is no different. And like every other year I have been mulling over what blogging has taught me and how to best give back thanks and gratitude for the gifts it has given.

All around me I see posts from new bloggers talking about what it takes to be successful. Rank amateurs and rookies expound upon their much vaunted success and share their hard earned secrets with all who visit. I am sort of snotty and obnoxious towards some of these rookies. Why? Because I am curious to see how many of the big shots manage to last for any length of time. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Those who last are usually those who love what they are doing. I often find those who last to be more interesting. Maybe it is because they don’t strike me as being as wrapped up in some of the superficial things that come with this gig.

Bruce is still singing and I am wondering what it is like to be able to write and sing the way that he does. Wondering what it is like to have the sort of charisma that can set a stadium on fire. It is not something that is solely left to Bruce. Many artists can and have done it. I have been to more than a few shows where the audience has gotten lost in the experience. I love that and I think that it is one of the things that I hope to achieve with my writing. I want the readers to get lost. I want them to see what I see and to wander amongst the words lost in the world that we create.

Notice that I say ‘we.’ That is intentional because what happens here is a partnership. I draw a world and throw in splashes of color but you fill in the gaps and pieces that need help. You help to determine whether the rough edges remain unpolished or whether they receive a touch up.

It is Saturday night and I wander over to check on my children. I slip into their rooms and walk silently to their beds to see that all is well. Sometimes I stop and stare at them and marvel at the little bodies and faces I see. They sleep so very deeply- brows unfurrowed and arms askew. There is such beauty there.

And so I find myself bending over to kiss them goodnight one more time and then I slip back into the darkness and wander off to work on the things that keep me from sleeping with the same reckless abandonment as they do.

Saturday night is almost over and it is clear to me that the world isn’t going to end today, tomorrow or the day after. Ok, I could be wrong but for something like this I am perfectly happy to accept the scientific explanation for the promises that were made and left unfulfilled today. Now it is time for me to return to focusing on the things that pay the bills so I bid you all adieu.

This Post Requires 50 Comments…Ready…Go….

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“Life is a state of perpetual confusion punctuated by moments of clarity.” Uttered by the mythological creature known as TheJackB. Shortly thereafter he solved five of the world’s greatest math problems, discovered a cleaner and cheaper source of energy and composed 16 new songs. Oh, did I mention that this included a dirge to be played at his funeral.

That is a happy thought isn’t it, a dirge to be played at a funeral. It is even better when you consider that said dirge is supposed to be played at my funeral. Well listen up kiddies. I am going to outlive most of you. I am 42 years-old and have great genes not to mention awesome blue jeans. Don’t go telling anyone else this, but the wacky Shmata Queen once said that she liked the way my butt looked in said jeans. Excuse me for a moment while I duck, I would hate to be smacked in the head with that giant black purse she carries.

Fortunately I am quite safe. My head is far too hard to be hurt by such things.

There is one hell of a post brewing inside my mind now. I have a story that I could tell that would break your heart, melt your soul and cause you to weep and wail. But at the moment I just can’t bring myself to tell it. I suppose in part it is because I am given to long bouts of loopy behavior. Yes, I just called myself a wingnut and I am good with that. I see the world differently than many do. I stand on the outside looking in. Although the funny thing about saying that is that I am one of millions who say the same thing. In fact I read 7 posts today by people who said that they stand on the outside looking in.

It makes for a funny image inside my head. I picture all of us standing around a house looking through the window. Which leads me to think that maybe we aren’t the ones who are on the outside. Maybe it is the people inside the fishbowl that we have created. I dunno.

In other news I stirred the pot about the newest list of the top dad bloggers. They came up with 50 but used funny metrics to do so. I was tempted to write about why I think these things are ridiculous but then I realized that I just did. Let’s face it, most of us bloggers are pleased to be on a list that says that we are among the top 50 of anything. It feels good and it often comes with a nifty little badge that you can place on your blog. Damn if I can’t get enough of those badges and the accolades that come from having them.

On a semi-serious note I am continuing to slam those people who use prizes and giveaways to generate their traffic. Yes, look down my nose at those who call themselves bloggers but do not produce real content.  You people are gaming the system which reminds me that there are ways for me to compete such as typing Click here to get Naked Pictures of Brad Pitt, Kim Kardashian and Angelina Jolie. That ought to be good for SEO.

Sometimes I like to let my hair down and lose the serious posts for a while. I spend far too many hours talking about more effective marketing techniques or how a father should talk to his children about life, death, sex, marriage and education. Damn, I mentioned serious and now I am busy thinking about whether the universe really does send you signs and how to identify them. I am busy thinking about the two major regrets of my life and how I can change them. You see, I can’t quite let go of either. I won’t say that they haunt me, but I am not done with them.

Not done for a variety of reasons not the least of which is heart and head aren’t ready to let go which leads me to believe that there is work to be done there. I like taking the road less traveled and seeing where it leads. I like driving wherever the road takes me and having adventures along the way. Sometimes I feel like I am starring in a Marx Brothers movie except instead of playing Groucho I am the straight man and that my friends isn’t what I want to do in a Marx Brothers movie.

I’d like to take Maxwell’s Silver Hammer and crack a few people in the head. Unfortunately doing so wouldn’t solve the challenges I currently face nor would there be a Yellow Submarine to use for my escape. Ultimately I am ok with that because these mysterious challenges I refer to are making me crazy because they are off in the distance. I don’t like waiting. I want to confront them now so that I can force the issue and move ahead. It is not really a smart way of doing things so I refer back to my letter to my children and the advice I gave them.

It is smart and it is wise. I would be foolish to ignore it, but you know me- sometimes I am the fool who would dance in the fire for that one chance. Come to think of it if the Rapture comes I am supposed to burn or so some people tell me. Hah, I beat them to it, Been burning for a while now so what difference does it make.

Ok kiddies, it is 1:30 AM and I should have gone to sleep two hours ago. Start firing up the comments or go join the Facebook Fan Page. There are no prizes to be had for doing so, at least not now. But you never know, there might be in the future, assuming that the world doesn’t end on Saturday. I sort of hope it doesn’t because I got a lot of things that I want to do. If it did end it would be kind of like not playing the Immunity Idol in survivor. What I mean, is that I have a few aces hidden up my sleeve that I am waiting to play. Would be more than a little disappointed to see those waited.

And with that I bid you adieu and ask you to keep your eyes peeled for the absolutely amazing post that is coming.

 

A Letter To My Children-2011

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Dear Children,

It is May 19, 2011. Ten days ago we celebrated my 42nd birthday. It was not my favorite birthday, not by a long shot. Truth is for a host of reasons I consider it to be among the worst birthdays I have had. I thought about listing the reasons here so that in the years that come it will be clear as to why I feel this way but I don’t really think it is necessary.

One of the most important skills that you can develop as you grow is learning how to distinguish what is important and what isn’t. I won’t be the first person nor the last to tell you that one of the great contradictions of life is that moments of wonder and amazement are sometimes bookended by the direct opposite. You have already seen that sometimes the little things can turn your day upside down. The question is how those little things impact you.

You have far more power over your lives than you realize. When you are kid it doesn’t always feel that way. There is always someone telling you what to do and how to do it. Some of those things seem ridiculous but you have to do them anyway. Look, I am not a huge fan of making the bed either. I get it, we are just going to get back in and mess up the sheets so why make it. Well, aside from the aesthetics I would say that you do it because it really isn’t worth fighting over. This ties into my comment above about learning how to distinguish what is important and what isn’t.

It is not always easy. We are fighters by birth and by choice. I understand that fire in the belly because I have it too. When things don’t go the way that we want them to we fight to change it. Sometimes that is a really good quality and sometimes it is the thing that will make you miserable. I have bloodied my knuckles on more one brick wall. You have heard my friends kid around about how I opened a steel can with my hands. It is a true story. I tore that can open with a combination of brute strength and thought.

But what I want for you is to reverse that. Use thought and then brute strength. Take a deep breath, review, evaluate and then proceed. There will be plenty of times when it makes more sense to act and not react to situations. But there are times when the opposite is true. There are moments where you need to be present. Moments I want you to live and revel in. Don’t hold back, give yourself to it and take it in.

Don’t let fear stop you from going after what you want. I have failed many times and will probably fail some more. Failure sucks. It hurts and sometimes I hate it. But failure doesn’t have to be about bitterness. It is a useful education because how you respond to failure impacts everything you do. It is an education that I hope you learn from. Failure is a teacher. In specific situations it provides a lesson on how not to do something but on a broader level it provides you with examples of how you get back up after you have fallen.

Don’t mistake the importance of being able to look at the past and how you figured out how to stand again. It may sound counterintuitive but past moments of doubt and pain sometimes provide the strength to get through the current ones. They remind you that you didn’t lie down and die. And believe me, some people do. Some people never figure out how to deal with getting punched in the mouth- but you will and you have.

Never forget that your father loves you fiercely. We will fight about things. Sometimes my fear for you may manifest itself in ways that seem ridiculous- deal with it. I’ll do my best to be rational and supportive but sometimes I’ll miss the boat. One day you’ll understand that better.

So let’s step back into the present moment again. My goal is to try and write these letters every year. Time will tell if that actually happens or not. But I can almost guarantee that I will write them as I do now, unscripted and based solely upon the thoughts I have while I am writing.

My life has been filled with more turmoil than I would like. It has been going on for a while now and I see that some of the storms that I have been sailing through are still here. I don’t know exactly what that means other than life is going to get interesting and some big changes are coming. All I can tell you is that I am fighting hard to keep that tiller pointed towards the horizon. Daylight will come and the seas will calm because they always do. It is just a question of when. So know that if I seem preoccupied it is because I am. But that is because I am trying to do things for you.

I don’t write that to make you feel guilty or to assuage guilt of my own. Most of the crap that I am dealing with is outside of my control and something that many others are dealing with. It is not personal, but I still have to face it. That is just part of the fun. Ok, I have babbled on long enough. Time to end this with nothing more than I love you.

Truth Or Dare

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Ethereal

Somewhere in the skies above me is a plane carrying my son and 7,987 of his classmates towards the northern end of the state. Somewhere in the skies above me he flies for the first time without parents and family. Somewhere in the skies above me there are people who are probably less than excited to be on a plane full of ten year-old boys and girls but that is the way it goes. Last summer I flew back from New Jersey on a plane full of 14-15 year old girls.  Aside from the shrieking, constant running between seats, whispering and occasional bout of tears I was just fine.

I won’t lie and say that I am not somewhat nervous about his trip but I am more excited than anything else. More excited because I see him on the cusp of something amazing. This is how it begins, this is the start of his really pulling farther away and developing his thoughts and ideas about life without our influence. He still has many years and miles to go, but I see the beginning ever so clearly. I see the beginning and remember some of my own trips. The memories are sometimes hazy but there is enough clarity to remember playing games like Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare.

Sometimes I think that it is best if I forget what happened during those games. Sometimes I think that if I want to retain my hair and my sanity I need to just pretend that stuff didn’t happen, but I can’t and so I won’t. Instead I’ll talk with you about how Truth or Dare makes me think of blogging.

The game was really simple to play.  A group of kids would assemble and then each one of us would take turns choosing Truth or Dare. If you selected a ‘Dare’ you were asked to do something. I remember a variety of dares ranging from eating raw eggs to various physical acts with the girls who played with us. If you chose Truth you were faced with having to answer a tough question. Sometimes it was a relatively innocuous question like, “have you ever picked your nose?” It is juvenile, but just goofy enough to make pre-teens and teens squirm a bit.

And since kids can be cruel and hard upon each other it could be a bit tougher on you. I remember being 17 and having a major crush on Anne Stacey and being asked to admit it in front of her. I hadn’t wanted to play and now I was stuck with no easy way out. That led to all sorts of good times.

But when I think of Truth or Dare with blogging I think about what truths we dare to share with our readers. I think about what heartfelt secrets and or stories we dare to reveal and how often we do. This blog contains pieces of my heart and fragments of my soul. There are secrets here that my closest friends don’t necessarily know yet sometimes I write them down and let others read them. In the days of complete anonymity it was easy to write them down. But as more people learned my name and I stopped playing the Wizard of Oz it got to be a little bit harder.

And then I got to the point where I just didn’t care. It got to the point where I remembered that it had always been an open secret. I might have written under a pen name but I always knew that one day my words might be discovered and they were.

The outcome of that was that I decided that while I would still dare to share my truths I would also pay more attention to boundaries because I didn’t want my family to be involved in some of the conversations that would arise from these words. Let me clarify that by pointing out that when I write about school, birthday parties and opinions on these matters it is possible that my children will take the brunt of my words.

What I mean by that is if I say that “Johnny’s father” is a pompous ass it can have an adverse affect upon my kids. I don’t want them to be ostracized or treated differently. I don’t care what they say about me. I am a big boy and capable of taking care of myself. But the kids deserve a chance to live their lives without having to deal with the shadow these words can cast.

Sometimes life is far more complicated than we wish it to be, but such is the power and influence of the truths we dare to show.