The Right Tool For The Job

(I was the featured writer over at Studio Thirty on Friday. Some people complained about it being hard to access. So, here it is for your consumption.)

It is considered bad form by most people to try to kill a man with a butter knife. Poison doesn’t work because it is thought to be a woman’s tool and the last thing that I want is for people not to see me as the epitome of masculine.

Most of the time I don’t worry about that masculinity thing- ‘cuz that’s not how I roll. Got a voice that rumbles when I speak, a handshake that would make a gorilla cry uncle and a couple of rug rats that prove that my boys are expert swimmers.

Some might wonder why I mention the whole death by butter knife thing anyway. What makes a man who is so sure of his testosterone levels talk about such nonsense. What drives him to ignore the teachings of his own father to use the right tool for the job. What could push him to the brink and more importantly where is he now. Because the last thing that anyone wants to be is close to the guy who is about to go postal.

Well the good news for you all is that most of this is tongue in cheek. I wouldn’t try to kill a man or a woman with a butter knife nor a shrimp fork. Really us manly men prefer to use our bare hands.  It goes back to ancient times in which we responded to instinct and primal urges that drove us out of the caves we lived in because we couldn’t take the screeching any more.

“Nog, take out bones!” or “Nog, you left the cover open on hole in ground.” So we’d grab our clubs and spears to head out to kill game to provide for our families. It was man against beast. As we stalked our prey the young ones would try to taunt us with sharp remarks about hair loss and belly extensions that prevented us from properly seeing our smaller spears.

It should be noted that in those days man was smarter than now. He didn’t paint a picture of the smaller spear on the cave wall for his non mate to stare at for he knew that she was not excited by such things. A little known historical fact is that until the dark ages no man used the name of the smaller spear as their family name.

One might call me a dick for forgetting to send this useful and timely information to Wild Man Weiner of New York. Perhaps I might add that Weiner would be well served to try and make sure that no one ever refers to him as wacky as due to recent events that might be misconstrued. It would really be a shame if they called him Whacky Weiner the jerk off.

Ok, don’t ask me how I have gone from cavemen to congressmen because if you did I’d have to poke you with a butter knife. Damn, there I go with the violence again. Well, I can explain that…really I can.

I am in a bad place right now and it is not Cleveland. Life is a bit unsettled and awkward- so I am a bit grumpier than normal. Apparently people have noticed because they have written and asked me why I don’t write funny posts any more.  He signed it spit or swallow.

I promptly replied with a note thanking him for the non-sequitur and than wondered if he was hitting on me. Maybe he read one of the posts where I talked about being a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. Hell, if he is related to some of the women on the Real Housewives it is possible that he is indeed dumber than a rock.

And yes I confess that upon occasion I have watched the Real Wives of Orange County and New Jersey. I even tried watching Jersey Shore once. After my brains stopped leaking from my head I dove into some very serious therapy and spent a night reading Nietzsche followed by a heavy dose of quantum mechanics compared to Euclidean geometry.

Speaking of the Jersey Shore when I heard that Snooki was a published author I promptly tried to kill myself with a butter knife. Ok, that is not really funny and it is a serious exaggeration. But it is no exaggeration to say that I was irritated by it.

It took ten minutes to write the 730 some words that I have produced here. Surely with some effort I could pound out a New York Times best seller. That would be something. It is on my bucket list- to publish a book that is.

And now the time has come to wrap this up, but before I do let me share a few things with you. I am Jack the daddy blogger who blogs about more than children. I haven’t ever made one the Top Daddy Blogger lists but I did hit number four on Backpacking Dad’s Sexiest Dad Blogger list.

Hmmm..Maybe that is the reason Mr. Non Sequitur hit on me. Got to run now, I am Waiting for Godot and would hate to miss him.

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