Six years ago I asked am I the father I ought to be? The man who asked that question is gone now. It would be a bit melodramatic to say that he died, but he is gone. I see remnants and fragments floating around the places he once walked. I see pieces of that guy and the reflection in the mirror bears some resemblance but he is still gone.
I don’t know if any of that is important or whether it merits any thought which I suppose is part of why I blog about it. Here in my cyber refuge I use these words to clarify my thoughts and my clear my head of the cobwebs that collect inside it. So let’s move on my friends and address the topic of this post.
Am I the father I want to be? It is something that I have been thinking about quite a bit recently. And the answer is no….I am not.
I am not a bad father by any stretch of the imagination. My children do not lack for love or attention. They have plenty of the things that they need but it is not enough for me. It is not enough because I am well aware of the dissent and discord in my life. My lack of satisfaction and my irritation make me short tempered and impatient. The current condition of things requires that I work crazy hours and in crazy conditions and that drains me.
That face I see in the mirror isn’t one that I recognize. The thoughts that funnel through my head are disconcerting. I hear things that I thought that I would never say and I find myselfÂ feeling drained and driven to exhaustion…constantly.
But the beauty of the children is that they provide you with strength and courage to continue and go beyond. They help inspire me to keep fighting even when it feels hopeless and so I do. I fight.
I fight because that is what and who I am…a fighter. I fight because they deserve it.
But the rules of the blog dictate honesty and I acknowledge thatÂ I am unhappy.Â Most of the time it is frustration that I can’t make time move faster and I can’t make changes move more quickly than they are.
Life is not all about the shadows. There are many splashes of color but these splotches don’t appear as frequently as I would like them to so I continue to push to make the changes that will bring them with greater frequency.
I suspect that I will always answer the question of am I the father that I want to be with something like a “no, not yet.” It is good to have high standards and to push for more. But sometimes in the quiet of the night while I watch them sleep I think that it would be nice to be that guy sooner than later. They grow so very quickly and soon they won’t be here with me any more.
In the blink of an eye they will be out on their own and making their own way so I need to push harder to be more not because they ask but because I do.