The Phone Sex Surprise

2008.11.05 - My life story told by the cellphones I've owned

This is for those of you who weren’t able to disconnect from tech during the holiday weekend as well as those who aren’t citizens and consequently not celebrating the holiday. It is a recycled post from 2006.

Sometimes a misdialed telephone can lead to some interesting situations. It was Sunday afternoon. I was heading down the 210 towards Pasadena when my reverie was interrupted by the distinctive ring of cellphone. For those who are curious it was Ray Charles singing ‘What’d I say.”

I answered the phone and was surprised to hear a man say:

Man: “Maria, when I get to your house I am going to tear off your clothes and ravish your body.”
Me: “Uh, are you sure about that. I don’t think that I am who you want to speak with.”

This is why it is important to listen to what is being said to you.

Man: “I am going to do things to you that will make your body tingle.”
Me: “I’d prefer that you didn’t.”

You would think that he would have noticed that my voice is not the slightest bit feminine, but I suppose that he was lost in his fantasy. So, I figured what the hell and went with it.

Man: “Maria, your body tastes so sweet and your legs are so very fine.”
Me: “They are better when they are shaved, but thanks for noticing.”

Suddenly, the man on the other end realizes that there is something wrong.

Man: “Who the hell are you and where is Maria?”
Me: “I don’t appreciate your tone of voice.”

As you can imagine when he realized who he was speaking with he was less than thrilled. I was tempted to ask him where did our love go, but I make a lousy Diana Ross. In no time at all he was threatening me.

Man: “Listen you stupid dickhead. Put her on the phone immediately!”
Me: “Not until you apologize for using profanity.”

Ok, it probably was unfair of me to say that, but he was the phone who refused to listen to my initial protestations. Ladies, how do you ever put up with us.

Man: “Fuck you. You stupid jerkoff, I want to speak with her now.”
Me: “Sorry, her mouth is full.”

This must have been the wrong thing to say because all of a sudden there was a loud bang and a crash. And man, talk about swearing. The dude was spitting blood.

Man: “When I get there I am going to fucking kill you.”
Me: “No. You are going to take a deep breath and consider your actions. Then you are going to buy the biggest bunch of roses you can afford and thank G-d that you were smart enough not to do something really stupid.”

I am not quite sure what he said because it was basically unintelligible. By this point in time I was fighting hard not to laugh hysterically. It didn’t matter because the line went dead and that was it.

For a brief moment I wondered if he would hit redial and whether I had caused a problem. On the other hand, I tried to let him know that he had dialed the wrong telephone number.

This really was yet another example of the old adage of “look before you leap.”

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20 Comments

  1. Larry March 31, 2016 at 5:54 pm

    Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Lance April 20, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    screening calls is dumb. If i could get this entertained reading your blog then what would happene iy I picked up my phone.

    awesome

  3. kimmie October 26, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Very funny.

    So — what are you wearing?

  4. TheJackB July 9, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    @LetMeStart Telemarketers are so much fun to play with. When they call I just let my imagination run wild. I never know where the conversation will go.

  5. TheJackB July 9, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    @fluteitup Hey Flute. The world is filled with all sorts of goofy stuff. The hard part sometimes is remembering it so that we can write it about it. Thanks for coming by, I hope to see you here again.

  6. LetMeStart July 9, 2011 at 10:55 am

    With this title, obvz I’m coming here to read all about it.

    That was frickin’ awesome. I totally need to start answering the phone when I don’t recognize the tel#.

  7. fluteitup July 9, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Oh man – this was amazing!! Awesome post, and AMAZING circumstance. Almost makes me wonder ‘Why can’t this happen to me so I can have a super awesome blog post?’ Found you via TRDC

  8. TheJackB July 5, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    @Leon You have my word that I will pass your message along to her.

  9. connectyou July 5, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    @TheJackB I agree that when he didn’t stop, you were right to respond as you did.

    A simple little thing called listening… 😉

  10. Leon July 5, 2011 at 9:44 am

    G’Day Jack,

    You promised not to tell. I’m mortified. I like you ” just the way you are.”—to continue the musical theme.”keep that breathless smile, Don’t you rearrange it…..”

    Some blokes just have no sense of humour. Please get Maria to call me when she’s free!

    And avoid holiday weekends.

    Regards

    Leon

  11. TheJackB July 5, 2011 at 9:12 am

    @connectyou Hi Keri. You are right. If he had stopped for just a second he would have saved himself some grief, but when he didn’t stop….

  12. TheJackB July 5, 2011 at 9:11 am

    @Soulati | PR Who me? 😉

  13. Soulati July 5, 2011 at 7:43 am

    You kill me. That. Is. All.

  14. connectyou July 5, 2011 at 3:15 am

    Jack,

    Very good example of why we should listen indeed!

    I’d like to add that it is important to listen to *all* that people have to say – listen to the whole story. That can save misunderstanding and frustration as well.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    ~Keri

  15. TheJackB July 4, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    @bdorman264 I have wondered from time to time what the deal was between those two but I suppose that I will never know. Glad that you enjoyed this. I am famous for this kind of “nonsense.” I suppose that I ought to dig some more up.

  16. bdorman264 July 4, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    This was great; and the shaved legs comment is something I would have used. I’m guessing Maria didn’t have the best relationship with this guy but I’m also guessing a lot of passion was involved.

    Thanks for digging this out and much enjoyed.

    Hope your 4th is going well; it is currently raining here but should be done by dark.

  17. TheJackB July 4, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    @AdrienneSmith It is an old favorite of mine that I like to dust off and share every so often. Glad that you enjoyed and even happier that took time to visit.

    Hope your day and the celebrations are both enjoyable and memorable.

  18. AdrienneSmith July 4, 2011 at 11:19 am

    This one is an older one? It’s darn funny Jack and I laughed so hard. Man you’ve got some great comebacks. If I could only be that good.

    Thanks for sharing his one again my friend. My celebrations don’t start until later so yes, I’m here online catching up on some things. Glad I stopped by today and got a chance to read this one again. Too funny!

    Have a great day!

    Adrienne

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