Pride

“I like criticism, but it must be my way.“- Mark Twain’s Autobiography

It is heading towards Midnight with a capital M and I really should try to get some sleep but I am wired. Perhaps it is because I know that in a few short hours it will officially be one week since grandpa died. He has moved that much farther away from my present and further into my past.

Grandpa didn’t know that I am moving or about any of the current challenges that are in front of me. That was intentional on my part. Some of it was due to pride but most was due to my not wanting him to worry about things that he couldn’t help me with. He was a generous man and made a point to help people. One of the things that I appreciated about him was that he preferred not to make a big deal out of it. He wasn’t one to look for public recognition of the things that he did to help others which is sort of funny because he liked being the center of attention.

But to quote him when you are at the end stage of the game there are some things that you don’t do so I made a point not to talk to him about these things. I suppose that you can attribute that reluctance on my part to pride- both mine and his. He wasn’t in a position to help me and it would have wounded his pride to discover this. At the same time I was reluctant to ask for any help from anyone so there seemed to be no point in talking to him about any of it.

“No man ever does a duty for duty’s sake but only for the sake of the satisfaction he personally gets out of doing the duty, or for the sake of avoiding the personal discomfort he would have to endure if he shirked that duty; also I indicated that there is no such thing as free will and no such thing as self sacrifice.“- Mark Twain in Eruption

Pride is a funny sort of thing that makes people act unreasonably and illogically. I have been thinking about it quite a bit lately. Some of it is because I am trying to figure out how I got to be where I am so that I can avoid visiting this place again. I want to figure out if pride is part of the reason that I find myself fighting these battles. But I ask myself what happens if I do decide that pride bears some responsibility because pride is also responsible for helping to pull us out of this mess.

Good old pride, the double edged sword- how I love thee.

If I were a more superstitious man I might say that there is a reason why Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd is playing now but I am not that guy. I am just a semi- superstitious man who wishes that he could play the guitar and sing. My daughter would like that. She would love to sit next to me and sing along to whatever I happen to be playing. It doesn’t really have to be guitar, the piano would work just as well. The thing is, that I can’t play piano either- nor can I sing very well.

Hmm…is it just me or did my pride just show its face here again. Not sure about that, but what I can tell you is that I wish both of my grandfathers were here now. They were very different men in many ways but they loved me as I loved them. And moments like now are when I miss them. Moments like now remind me that we developed a friendship that  complemented the grandfather/grandson thing.  But some wishes never are filled and this is one of them. So instead of wishing for what I can’t have I am working on a number of things that I can.

Most of those are things that are good for others but a few are for me and me alone.

It is time for bed but the thought I focus on now is that people don’t remember what you do but how you made them feel. My goal this weekend is to make people feel good.