Daddy, Please Don’t Kill My Boyfriend

The dark haired beauty is 7.5 going on 30. That little girl of mine has spent her entire life trying to figure new and improved ways for manipulating me. What she hasn’t figured out is that I am well aware of it.

I know exactly what she is doing and why. The fact that I am crazy about her doesn’t change anything. I may be in love with that girl but I won’t be taken in by the dark eyes, freckles and cheeks. That toothless smile is cute but it still isn’t enough to make me forget that she came home today and told me that she has a boyfriend.

She floated into the house and glided across the room to where I was waiting and said, “Don’t kill him Daddy!” Years from now I may pull out this post and show it to her. It might be fun to tease her about how crude her technique was when she was little.

“Daddy, don’t kill Jimmy.”

“Why would I kill Jimmy?”

The look that passed across her face was really cute. Her intent had been to bust my chops but when I didn’t react she realized that I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. Fortunately she’ll read this one day and realize that dear old dad knew what was going on and intentionally kept a blank expression. It is only fair. Dad has to have a few tricks of his own.

“Daddy, Jimmy asked me to be his girlfriend.”

“And what did you say?”

I think that she tried to reply but the huge smile on her face and uncontrollable giggling made it difficult to understand.

“Ok, Jimmy can be your boyfriend but only if he can complete all of the tasks that I have for him.”

“What kind of tasks daddy?”

English: Hercules cleaning the Augean stables....

Image via Wikipedia

Call me cruel, but I rattled off some of the little deeds that Hercules was required to complete. I should add that even though my daughter is brilliant she didn’t have a clue what a Hydra was or how Jimmy would clean the Augean Stables.

So I told her that instead Jimmy could do me a favor and collect the twenty bucks that my friend Godot owes me.

Sigh, I am truly not ready for her to really start dating and glad that I have some time. Ultimately the same rule as always applies here, if you cannot defeat me in single combat then you cannot date my daughter.

Still something tells me that I better enjoy my sleep now because life will get more complicated.

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  1. Jeff January 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Hilarious! I’m not sure I can pull off the physical competition angle. Maybe the future prospective beau will have to bake a meaner chocolate chip cookie or fold laundry faster than me. That way, my little girls will be safe from boys for ever [insert maniacal laughter here].

  2. Bruce Sallan January 11, 2012 at 6:59 am

    You’ve only just begun! lol…glad I have boys only!

  3. Jens P. Berget January 11, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Hey Jack,

    I have given this much thought. My daughter is 8, and I already understand how complicated things are going to get fairly soon.

    What’s interesting is that I never think about what my son’s first girlfriend will be like, and what my reaction to that will be. I guess it’s a father daughter thing 🙂

    • Jack January 11, 2012 at 9:02 am

      Hi Jens,

      We are on the same page. Your daughter is just a bit older than mine.

      I don’t play favorites or love them any more or any less- but daughters are different. They just are. Wonderful, but different.

  4. Dina January 10, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Nothing scares my husband more than talk of the future boyfriends of our daughter. My dad especially likes to tease him about it as payback for those late nights out when we were dating, and I was 26 when my husband and I dated.

    My dad cried when he saw me in my wedding dress and just as we were going to begin our walk down the aisle he sighed and said “If only I could make this walk last for hours.” I still get teary eyed thinking about it.

  5. Michelle G January 10, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    LOVE this!
    Our (ONLY)daughter(WHO HAS 5 BROTHERS) is still to this day very hesitant to bring a boy home – and she’s 20 🙂
    Some things are just worth protecting – even if it requires single combat!
    Hop Skipped and jumped over from “Just Write”
    Love the spice!

    • Jack January 10, 2012 at 3:03 pm

      Hi Michelle,

      Welcome to the blog. Daughters are definitely worth protecting which is why mine has an older brother who is training to become a ninja. 😉

      Just Write is a lot of fun. So glad to be a part of it and happy you found me.

  6. Marjorie Clayman January 10, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Oh, you are EVIL!

    I can’t wait to see how stories like this unfold in 10-15 years. You and Danny Brown and Geoff Livingston and so many others are talking about your kids as part of your online presence. Will there be a counter-revolution? A social media-fueled counter-revolution?

    Oh, it’s gonna be fun 🙂

  7. Mike Shields January 10, 2012 at 7:59 am

    I can quite possibly defeat you in single combat, however, I have no intention of dating your daughter.

  8. Sandi Amorim January 9, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    This post made me think of my dad’s face one time when my boyfriend arrived at our house to pick me up. I was 17 but from the look on dad’s face I might have been 7!

    • Jack January 9, 2012 at 5:50 pm

      Hi Sandi,

      Your story reminded me of seeing my dad cry at my little sister’s wedding.

      He told me later on that staring at her in her wedding dress was juxtaposed with all these memories of when she was a little girl.

      I imagine I’ll be the same.

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