“If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me.
But heroes often fail,
And you won’t read that book again
Because the ending’s just too hard to take!”
If You Could Read My Mind- Gordon Lightfoot
I am in a funny and unfamiliar place now that I am not quite sure how to describe. It feels a bit like I have stepped into one of those carnivalÂ fun housesÂ and I am staring at myself through a variety of crazy mirrors.
The floor keeps tilting and the lights keep flashing. Â Every time I take a few steps forward I find someone or something has placed some sort of hurdle in my way. Â Don’t know whether to laugh or cry so I choose laughter.
Each time I try to move it is a step forwards, always forwards. Sure, I may have to turn right or left but my eyes are always on the trail ahead. Doesn’t matter if I have to zig or zag because forward is where I am focused upon.
Some of these situations require finesse but that is not my forte. I don’t want to to tip toe through the forest. My inclination is to bull my way through and let the chips fall where they may. But time has taught me to temper that so I try. I slow down and take a hard look.
Damn fun house didn’t have any lights so I have gone and stumbled into some swamp. Now I am working twice as hard as before to navigate the mud and the muck. It is waist deep and I am exhausted, but I am still moving forwards.
Finally I am so tired I can’t take another step. I collapse against a tree and as I fall asleep I hear a man’s voice whispering in the woods….
The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants
Someone once told me that the heart wants what the heart wants. I donâ€™t know if that is a line from a book or a movie, it could be. Then again it might be one of those pithy statements that people come up with. Iâ€™d ask the person who told me but I can quite remember who said it. Hell, it might have even been
The heart wants what the heart wants. You know what that means? It is a statement made by people who canâ€™t explain why they are in love with person xyz. It is what you say when there is no logical explanation for your actions. It is a catchphrase, a tagline, a slogan and a motto.
The heart wants what the heart wants. It reminds me of Shakespeare, â€œLife is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.â€ Somewhere my high school English teacher Mrs. McDonnell is smiling. Little Jimmy actually remembered a line from Macbeth. See maâ€™am, I told you that I could hear just as well in sunglasses as without..
The heart wants what the heart wants. It is the kind of thing you hear people say when they are trying to explain why they are hung up on someone from their past. Or maybe it is what you say when you stop denying the love that is in front of you.
If love were rational, if it were based upon logic life would be easier. When I think about some of the things I have done because of love I want to scream. When I consider the self-inflicted misery I have endured I want to cry because it seems so very foolish. How could I waste so much energy on such a silly thing as a woman, a single woman. The world is filled with millions of women. It should be easy to replace her. It should be as simple as changing shoes, but it is not. It is not, it is not.
The heart wants what the heart wants. It does and mine has chosen someone that is far more special to me than all of the others. My lips remember hers. I can still feel her touch. The pillowcase has never been washed because I have this fantasy that I can still pull it close and smell her.
Sometimes I think that reincarnation must be real and that in a past life I must have stolen fire from the gods or committed some other heinous crime. Because there is no logical reason why I would be punished in this manner. I found the woman that completes me. I found the person that makes me whole and I let her go.
She would have stayed. She would have held my hand. She would have helped save my soul but I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t make myself do it. Even though I knew it to be a simple thing. A brief plea for help and she wouldn’t have left me. I wouldn’t have been left to live in shadow and night. I could have been whole. Her love was enough to let me believe that I could have been something more.
But like I said, in that past life I did something. I earned the wrath of those who sit in judgment. Or maybe it is nothing like that. Maybe there is no reason why. Maybe this is all there is and happiness is based upon some sort of random something or other.
The heart wants what it wants and mine has betrayed me. In a different life it lay in a green garden beneath bright blue skies and now it is filled with weeds and fields of shattered stone and black night skies.
Once I might have hoped for salvation. Once I believed that I deserved better than this but now I understand that not to be so. Hades has issued his decree. I stand next to Sisyphus. Tantalus is my brother. Happiness is something that I can see but can’t reach.
The heart wants what the heart wants.