How To Write Funny Posts That No One Will Read

SEX SELLS (Girls just wanna have fun)

Sometimes I want to “Google” some of my old teachers so that I can tell them that they were right or wrong about me. It would be great fun to look up the woman who said that my writing was terrible and that I should focus on finding something that I was good at.

I’d take her to the library or a bookstore and show her the books I wrote about the boy wizard who outwitted, outlasted and outplayed his arch rival. And then I’d show her that mommy porn book about the shades of grey and say that was mine too. Hell, I would probably take credit for quite a few books because had those other guys not been lucky I would have written those stories first.

And don’t get me started on The Hunger Games because Collins knows that I was all over the kids killing other kids, apocalyptic future novel long before her. Really, it is true and it is just as true that I would have invented the lightbulb, the Internet (sorry Al Gore) and cars had those other guys not had the advantage of being older than me.

Really, you can’t blame me for being angry or frustrated. I am barely getting by right now. Been chasing a couple of bucks that people owe me for far too long. Too much to write off and too little to keep me from starving. But it is enough to do something with it and I have a lot of somethings.

The funny thing is that one of my old teacher said that I am a lot of somethings and not all of them were nice. He didn’t like me for lots of reasons and not just because I am funnier than he is. He is definitely not Canadian because when he got pissed off he told me so and in terms that weren’t very nice.

Ok, so maybe I was good at pressing his buttons. And maybe I am guilty of talking a bit more than I should have, but this was high school and I had to do that. Ok, maybe I didn’t have to do that but when you are a teenage boy on hormonal overdrive you do all that you can to convince the girls you like to get naked with you. At least we did back then, now I understand it is different.

Daddy’s Girl

Now I am told that high school boys get lucky all the time and that the girls are happy to make the boys happy. As the father of a daughter this fills me with a sense of dread and some doom. Not complete doom or full out dread, but enough to be concerned.

Concerned because I want to keep Daddy’s Girl safe, secure and sound. I can’t protect her from everything nor is it practical to wrap her from head to toe in bubble wrap, but I sure can think about it.

Maybe that is my problem, too much thinking. Like I think it would be great fun to create some sort of bubble wrap jousting tournament. We’d all be wrapped in bubble wrap and our job would be to pop that other guy’s bubbles. Sure it might be a complete waste of precious resources and I might piss off some environmentalists but those buys are perpetually upset.

Just ask them about drilling for oil in certain places and they go nuts. I think they should go back to school and find some of those happy to please the boys girls. Nah, I changed my mind about that. They’re so uptight they wouldn’t be able to enjoy it.

Now about my daughter and the boys that come asking for her hand. I still maintain a rule that they must fight me to the death or they cannot date her. The good news with this method is that I am pretty certain I’ll win those battles and if I don’t, well it won’t matter because I won’t be around to be nervous.

Funny Man

Somewhere out there in the ether is what we call an Internet troll or as they are known in Latin, “the commenterus assholus.” He or she likes to tell me that they hate my writing and that they don’t think I am funny. Like I said before they aren’t Canadian because they are far too mean.

I am guessing that they are from the Midwest and are tired of my bashing fly over land. It is not my fault they are landlocked and don’t know anything other than snow, tornadoes and burning rivers, but I digress.

This person and or persons hates my writing and says that my sense of humor doesn’t translate well to this particular medium. Well I suspect that the medium they used is shoved so far up there they can’t remove it and that is why they are so damn grouchy. Or maybe not.

All I know is that sometimes I type really slowly so that they can keep up. Next week I am going to use pictures and we’ll see if that helps. I have lots of funny pictures.

In the interim I have to go now because I am not funny and no one reads my posts, except for them. It is kind of nice to know that I live in their head rent free. That is my favorite kind of rent.

Important posts coming really soon.

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  1. Pish Posh April 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Ooh where do you bash flyover states? I have been living here for 12 years and feel unable to speak out about how much I BLOODY WELL HATE the midwest because there are nice people here and there are others who are SO sensitive about their beloved heartland. I need catharsis. I need purging. I need to move back West asap.

    • Jack April 29, 2012 at 11:44 pm

      If you go through the archives you’ll see more than a few moments where I smack the midwest. People used to get quite irate about it.

      Of course I did the same to New York for a while so some people used to say that I was far too much of an LA homer…

  2. Andrea April 27, 2012 at 4:35 am

    I hate teachers who say you aren’t good at something. My college drawing professor said I couldn’t draw and perhaps I should find another major other than architecture.

    Pretty much devastated me. It didn’t matter if she was right….

    You’re funny and a good writer. You put out more posts than I can keep up with!

    • Jack April 27, 2012 at 12:23 pm

      I am with you. It is irresponsible in many cases for teachers to do that. You don’t always know/see what a person can become. I hate the negativity. I am not saying that they should lie either, but sometimes you have to give people a chance.

  3. Jack April 26, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    Hi Louise,

    How are you, eh? 😉 10,000 hours is a good goal. Practice yields real benefits.

  4. Jens P. Berget April 26, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    Brilliant writing.

    I’m waiting for the movie about your daughter’s first date 🙂

  5. JD April 26, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I enjoyed reading that, I’m no “expert” on writing and was somewhat avarage in school on that subject. However now I’ve been writing for over a year (blogging) and think that I must be way better now. One rule is that if you’re going to become really good at something you need to put in 10000 hours of work. I find that this apply for most things… Maybe not bubblewrap

    • Jack April 26, 2012 at 11:45 pm

      Hi JD,

      10,000 hours is a good goal and I can promise you that it works. Might not make you into Mark Twain, but you’ll be a damn sight smarter and more effective than you where.

  6. JanB April 26, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Humor is like… erm… good wine? It gets sour when it’s to old. From experience I can tell you that thinking too much *can* be hazardous to ones health.
    Some people like the typical British humor and some don’t. It’s a matter o taste. You ‘happen’ to like it or you don’t. Humor is a taste you have to learn to appreciate. 😉

    • Jack April 26, 2012 at 11:44 pm

      Hi Jan,

      I like to remind those that dislike my sense of humor that they can go get a high colonic for virtually nothing So far no one has taken me up on that, or at least they haven’t told me. The bastards.

  7. April 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Do you seriously get hate mail? That would be so weird but then maybe it just means you are more famous than you know.

  8. Morris April 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Jack, Have you read the book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters?” Do everything that you need to be a good father and your daughter will do the right things and make you proud.
    Write on!

  9. Lori Gosselin April 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Jack, your sense of humor translates very well to this medium.I think you should locate and wrap that person or persons in bubble wrap and pop all their bubbles.
    “Important posts coming really soon.”

    • Jack April 26, 2012 at 11:39 pm

      Hi Lori,

      I offered to do something similar. I think I suggested that I stick a beehive inside their pants so that the bees could pop those bubbles.

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