Can You Write a Funny Post

best friend

Dear grammar snobs,

I intentionally left off the punctuation at the end of the headline. Some might say that I did it just to aggravate you but that isn’t true. I only like aggravating people who are hard to aggravate.

Ok, maybe that is not true. Maybe I do like aggravating anyone and everyone. My mother says that I shouldn’t do it because people don’t find it charming, but I am 43 years-old which means I don’t have to be charming.

If I was rich I would be eccentric, but I am not. Well, I am rich in many things but not cash wise. These days old Jack is a poor man but that isn’t going to last because I intend to recoup my lost millions. Madoff be damned, I am going to be back on top one day but not because I am materialistic, or should I say overly.

Because the fact is that I like and want certain things that money can provide. For example I very much want a private jet. That is because I like to travel but don’t like flying very much. My shoulder hangs off the side of the seat and I have a dysfunctional digestive system that sometimes requires quick access to the lavatory.

But I don’t always have the access I want because I am too busy doing the bathroom dance in the aisle behind the beverage cart. And inevitably when I get inside I discover where Saddam hid his biological weapons. Man oh man, some of you do things insider there that make me wonder how you can still be standing. Really, when you carry that sort of poison inside your body I have to ask myself how it is that you aren’t dead.

Alternatively I want to know why our armed forces haven’t drafted your ass because you could end the wars. Hell, with that kind of power you could bring about world peace.  Believe me, the warlords in Somalia will surrender before being assaulted your by your ass.

Yes grammar people, I hear your cries. You want to know why I didn’t point out that I was referring to a person’s ass and not a person in their entirety. Maybe it is because I wanted to circle back to our headline and write the following:

  1. Can You Write a Funny Post.
  2. Can You Write a Funny Post?
  3. Can You Write a Funny Post!

If you asked nicely I could write three separate posts based upon those three punctuation marks. At least I could if my juvenile sense of humor wasn’t stuck in the land of scatological humor.

Let me tell you, I have a few stories that will probably make you laugh. I say probably because some of you will be upset by my talking about them in detail, but some of you won’t. Some of you will smile broadly when I talk about these moments.

You’ll nod your head when I say that if you are the sole person in a stall and people walk cover their mouths and cough when they come in you have two choices. You can be embarrassed or proud. You can enjoy your moment and treat them to something that sounds a bit like the horn section of a junior high marching band. It is loud and a bit off key but there is no denying its presence.

Classy Humor

Some years ago someone wrote in and asked me if I could still be funny if I used classy humor.  In my initial response I thanked them for their feedback and said that I appreciate their recognition that I am a funny dad blogger. Don’t know if I am the funniest dad blogger. Can’t say that I am the best dad blogger but I can tell you that I haven’t a clue whether Google Panda or Penguin will penalize me for keyword stuffing.

What is up with the animal names starting with ‘P’ anyway. Why not use platypus. That poor animal got screwed by God or evolution. It is like the big man said “sorry dude, we are out of parts so you get all the left overs.”

So much for being omnipotent, but I digress.

Anyway, the reader who told me that I was funny but wanted to know about classy humor was better than the one who hurt my fragile male ego by saying I am not funny or clever.

But they didn’t communicate effectively because I don’t know what the hell classy humor is. Am I supposed to be snotty and work in jokes about Shelley, Donne, Camus and Nietzche. Or does that refer to my time in school in which I was the scourge of some classrooms where teachers loved and hated me for making people laugh.

And now we are back at the beginning of this post where I am still trying to decide which punctuation mark will receive the honor of being attached to our headline of Can You Write A Funny Post

P.S. Grammar folks, I didn’t punctuate that last line because it is supposed to be funny in a classy sort of way, with classy meaning educational.  😉

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  1. Stan Faryna September 24, 2012 at 4:18 am

    [Insert comment that cracks you up here]

  2. bdorman264 May 23, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    Is that two spaces behind the period? 

  3. FrumeSarah May 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    You. Are. Annoying.
    But it really is somewhat charming, Jack 😉

  4. JD84 May 23, 2012 at 10:13 am

    If I were omnipotent I would also create a joke! Sorry platypus nothing personal… (Correct amount of punctuations used at end of sentence) But hey, who’s counting!

    • TheJackB May 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm

       @JD84 If I were omnipotent I’d do a lot of things, many of which I can’t share in a family blog. But first I would start by banning grammar for no reason other than because I can.

  5. Michael May 23, 2012 at 5:17 am

    I can tolerate the lack of punctuation but what I completely abhor is spelling mistakes. Just thinking of it makes me ill, if not borderline nauseous. *deep breath* Yes I’ll be ok…..I think. Just do me a favor and hand me a few dictionary pills. Don’t bother calling to check in cause I’ll be hovering over the toilet in some capacity, extracting the misspelled word from my system. (How’s that for a visual first thing on a Wednesday morning?…:)  )
    Was that funny in a classy way or not so much? Ah yes, the immaturity of toilet humor.
    Tune in next time when we interview Highland Games Commissioner Ivor McTrowsalot and his idea about adding another event to the games called “In your feces”. Contestants are asked to crap in a bucket and hurl it at volunteers dressed as Englishmen.  
    Happy Hump Day!

    • TheJackB May 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      @Michael Spelling errors do it for me too. I can’t stand reading colour, flavour and things of that rot. Dammit, it is color and flavor. Harrumph.
      Ok, now for a serious response. The occasional mistake is fine but I am consistently surprised by the number of mistakes I find in places that shouldn’t have any. It really makes me wonder.

  6. CrossBetsy May 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    There’s one person whose mental, emotional and physical health is effected (affected?) when she comes across bad grammar and punctuation…my mom. I don;t dare speak around her. She gets a look. It’s funny.

  7. Jennifer Worrell May 22, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I thank your pritty classie funny. Sorry. I just had to do that. I enjoyed your post, and I’m having fun hanging around your blog…I promise I’ll punctuate my next comments with more edu-ma-ca-tion. 

  8. elleroy5 May 22, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I suffer from Grammar OCD and your title is making me kinda itchy.  I’m mentally writing a question mark at the end of it.  Aaaccckkkkk…..I….can’t….stand…it…!!!! 

    • TheJackB May 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm

       @elleroy5 No grammar shall be served on this post today and perhaps within this comment because sometimes you need to remove the boundaries and fun footloose and fancy free of all restraints

      • elleroy5 May 22, 2012 at 4:53 pm

         @TheJackB I get that and I respect that (no exclamation point)
        T’would be funny if we could all go a day without verbal punctuation if you know what I mean and see what kind of big trouble it would get us into and besides its fun to write run on sentences and hell yeah to removing boundaries and running all footloose like Kevin Bacon and fancy free with not restraints and and and

        • TheJackB May 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

           @elleroy5 I don’t see why we can’t go all day long without care or concern for any sort of grammatical indicator of pause or persuasion to end breathe or stop

  9. Erin F. May 22, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    It’s been a rough day, but your post brought a smile to my face. 🙂

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