Is It Intuition Or Desire?

There are moments in your life that you never forget. Some are good and some are bad. Some are neither.

Twenty-nine years ago I was a fourteen year-old boy who was racing at breakneck speed down the halls of my synagogue. I was in pursuit of a friend who had taken my glasses.

I don’t remember how it started or what made him to decide to take my glasses and run but I do remember the frustration I felt as I chased him. He was just barely faster than I was. Time after time I would almost catch him and then he would slip out of my grasp and keep going.

He didn’t mean to upset me but he did. He didn’t know that his laughter just made it worse and that the longer we ran the angrier it made me. If he had known these things I am sure he would have stopped. We were and still are good friends.

Eventually he stopped running but I didn’t.

When I saw he was stationary I launched myself into the air and laid a hit upon him that would have made any NFL coach proud. I didn’t intend to do anything to him other than make sure that he didn’t take off running again.

Instead of wrestling my glasses out of his hand I felt hands pull me off of him and arms wrapped around me.

That was a mistake.

I was 150 pounds of anger.

I was 150 pounds of frustration.

I was 150 pounds of fear. I didn’t know who had picked me up and was restraining me, but I knew that there were two of them.

We were close enough to a wall for me to imitate a move I had seen in the movies. I picked up my legs and pushed off the wall. Since we were in a small hallway there wasn’t much distance between the two walls.

It turned out that a 17 year-old boy had wrapped me up in a bear hug. He was a bit taller than I was, but really didn’t weigh much more. He wasn’t expecting me to push off of the wall and consequently when I pushed off we flew backwards into the wall behind us.

We hit hard and both went down. I scrambled to my feet and turned around ready to pummel whomever had been holding me, but he wasn’t so quick to get up.

Instinct and Intuition

I am not really sure what made me think of that moment but I have learned to listen to these thoughts. I have learned to try and sit in the quiet of my mind so that I can try to identify what I am thinking/feeling.

Things are happening now. Good things. Big things. Changes.

I feel a bit like I am in one of those crazy Kung-Fu movies the boys and I used to watch as kids. I am Bruce Lee and there is a circle of men around me. They keep attacking and I keep finding ways to beat them all.

Whirling, turning, jumping, bending and dancing all around I avoid the blows and hand out my own. They can’t stop me. They can’t contain me. All they can do is slow me down.

English: yosemite national park mirror lake 20...

English: yosemite national park mirror lake 2010 winter (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I take a deep breath and try to figure out why this is the image I see and not something more tranquil. So I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I am going deep this time.

I am lost somewhere inside my head. A parade of images is passing before my eyes. I see people and I see places. I am back in Jerusalem. I know it because of the smells.

My middle sister and I are sitting at a cafe and I am telling her that I don’t plan on coming home. I want to know if she is going to stay in New York. The scene changes and I am hiking a trail in Yosemite with a friend.

Another flash goes off and I am holding my infant daughter like a football. Her big brother is pointing at her and asking if she is going to live with us.

What I Think Will Happen Versus What I Feel

I have this feeling about the future. It is a very strong sense of knowing that certain things are going to happen. There are multiple pieces to it.

Some of these pieces make perfect sense to me and I am certain that they will happen. Some of the details may be adjusted somewhat, but I am confident this is going to be.

But there are other things that I feel quite strongly and they are…confusing.

I want to say that it is intuition, but I wonder if perhaps it is just desire.

Time will tell. I am doing my best not to worry about it. I am just letting some of it unfold and watching the fruits of my labor come to be.

Some time ago I thought I was bearing witness to something unraveling and now I see it differently. It wasn’t unraveling, it was unwrapping.

It is time to go deep again. Time to go further than before and to push harder. Into the stillness and into the deep to find the answers that must reside within.

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  1. Guerrilla Mom July 5, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I totally get this post, and I really like it.
    I think if I followed my intuition all the time, things would be great and also awful -  so sometimes that makes me believe that it really makes no difference.  But it is 95 degrees today, and I am exhausted, so I could just be feeling defeated.

  2. Bridgette July 4, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Reflective and beautiful. It always makes me feel so optimistic  to read posts like this because it reminds me that we think and if we think then there’s hope. Sometimes I forget that we think.

    • TheJackB July 4, 2012 at 10:25 pm

      Hi Bridgette,
      There is always hope. When I read books and literature it reminds me that we are deep thinkers, maybe not all of us, but many. That is important.

  3. mannahattamamma July 4, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Tracing out the thoughts that start to resonate in our minds – where did it come from, why now, what is it trying to tell us – it’s a bit like chasing fish in a rushing stream, but it’s also a wonderful moment to try and find a focus, look deep.

    • TheJackB July 4, 2012 at 10:24 pm

       @mannahattamamma I like that, the idea of chasing fish in a running stream. You can see them, but the water makes it a bit blurry and hard to grab onto them.
      I like the chase and the opportunity to look backwards and forwards.

  4. TriGirl July 3, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    I think we tend to bury or ignore our intuition a lot.  I think it shouldn’t be ignored.  But you’re right; there’s something to be said for going along for the ride.

    • TheJackB July 3, 2012 at 10:56 pm

       triingathlete  I think the reason some of us ignore it is because it is not tangible and when you can’t physically touch something it is easier to pretend it is not real.

  5. heidi July 3, 2012 at 11:22 am

    To listen and know when to dig further, go deep is an awesome thing. Go with your gut.While it’s a risk and can be hard, I believe it’s worth it.

  6. Craig McBreen July 1, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    It’s great having that sense of knowing when it’s more like a controlled flow vs. chaos and confusion. You know the answers and you simply know what to do. it might sound silly to some, but when you get in that state it’s pretty amazing.
    On another note: The other day I was listening to this guy interviewed talking about a trip the the Amazon. It involved Ayahuasca and self-realization. 😉  This post just reminded me of it because he was talking about desires deep within (get your mind out of the gutter, Sir :)) … it was really about that stuff deep down we want / need to do with our lives, and if we simply followed our intuition we could avoid a mind-bending trip with some Shaman in South America … not that there’s anything wrong with that … ;) 

    • TheJackB July 1, 2012 at 11:35 pm

       @Craig McBreen Hi Craig,
      I might have to take that trip to South America just to see what happens. It is intriguing to me and I sometimes think that in order for me to really push past some of the junk I am going to have to push the envelope a bit.
      By pushing I mean pull myself out of my normal environment so that I am more inclined to let go and let be.
      I like your definition of controlled flow versus chaos/confusion.

      • Craig McBreen July 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

         @TheJackB  Some say it’s an amazing experience, some describe it as horrible, but I’ve always been curious about it. Tony Bourdain actually did this on one of his shows and he was in the “hated it” category 😉
        Whatever it is, you’re right … sometimes you just have to get out of your everyday environment.

  7. Julie July 1, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Usually if a thought pops into your head, full and complete in itself, that is intuition.  It’s brief, brilliant, and gone…or maybe “certain”, feels right and good.  If it has to do with another person, it could just be because that person is thinking of you.  For instance, if a thought pops into my head out of nowhere, when I am doing or thinking something else, and it is,”Mr. X is coming back into my life shortly,” that would be intuition.  But if it sounded more like,”Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if Mr. X came back into my life.  Wouldnt that be great.  But then I’d have to get a divorce, and what about about the kids?  But I just have a feeling that Mr. X is coming back into my life,” – then that would NOT be intuition.  Silly example, but you get the idea…

    • TheJackB July 1, 2012 at 11:33 pm

       @Julie | A Clear Sign 
      Hi Julie,
      That is a reasonable explanation. I think that the most important thing for me is to stop and ask myself if what I am feeling mirrors the description you offered. 
      Sometimes it does and sometimes it is not quite there.

  8. Hajra July 1, 2012 at 10:22 am

    I like the way you write as you feel. I couldn’t have said better than how @Jason Fonceca put it….. 

  9. Jason Fonceca July 1, 2012 at 3:39 am

    Pretty powerful story, Jack.  I love Bruce Lee, a funny thing to me, is although you picture fighting, bruce-style in your head, but I’m pretty sure Bruce’s mind was clear, peaceful, and still 🙂
    To me intuition is a function of desire.
    Like if deep down, we desire something, our intuition will guide us to it, and the massively successful among us are those who practiced and skilled at following their intuition. 🙂
    Warren Buffet invests based heavily on intuition. Not every investor does this, but from what I understand, Mr. Buffet does.

    • CrossBetsy July 1, 2012 at 4:22 am

       @Jason Fonceca What you said….I was trying to put it into words. But you did it for me!

      • Jason Fonceca July 1, 2012 at 4:51 am

         @CrossBetsy Thanks so much CrossBetsy… you’re wonderful for noticing!  (  it’s kinda what I do 😉 )
        Words and I are *very* good friends, but not how most people think  😀

    • TheJackB July 1, 2012 at 11:31 pm

       @Jason Fonceca 
      Hi Jason,
      Bruce was calm or so I always picture him to be. You have to be calm or you can’t successfully fight ten guys at once, not that I know from experience but…
      I tend to do a lot based upon my gut and most of the time when I am in sync with it good things happen.

  10. bdorman264 July 1, 2012 at 3:26 am

    Everybody was kung fu fighting…………fast as lightning………..
    It always seemed the ‘enemy’ was about 10:1 and just kept coming at him; always had to be vigilant and ready. Is that what you are feeling? 

    • TheJackB July 1, 2012 at 11:29 pm

       @bdorman264 Yeah, I have about a dozen different things happening at once, but most of them are good.
      Just life stuff all coming down at once, nothing so terrible really, just sucking a lot of time. It is that whole when it rains, it pours thing.

  11. TheJackB July 1, 2012 at 12:14 am

    @oshratn Thank you. I just write what I see/feel. Sometimes it works…

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