“I donâ€™t carry many regrets with me but those few that hang around are massive beasts that swim in the darkest depths occasionally surfacing with the goal of making me question and doubt myself.” You Put The Bullet In Your Dreams
One of my favorite authors is a man named Stephen R. Donaldson who wrote a bunch of books about The Land and Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever, I hear there is a new one coming out this October, but that is not why I am writing about him now.
Rather it is because something happened earlier today that made me think about something that happens in those books. Some of my favorite characters in his books are giants and I am enamored of them for many reasons, but the one that comes to mind now is something called The Caamora.
It is a sort of purification ceremony in which the giants stick their hands into a fire. The flames don’t burn them but they feel the pain from them, gut it outÂ and in the process let go of whatever burdens they are carrying.
It Is Not Something I Do Well
I have been searching for my own Caamora because I rarely cry and I have been known to carry around some things long past their date of expiration.
Sometimes when I think about words escape me which might be why I have been staring at the screen. Maybe it is tied into why when people ask me what supehero I would be I often pick Wolverine and if you really want to geek it up in the DC world it would probably be The Dark Knight.
That is ‘cuz sometimes I feel like I wander around the world as two different people.
When my son and I talk I often stress the need to let things go and to just forget about some stuff because it doesn’t merit more attention. In large part it is because I see that he has taken this trait of holding onto things from me and I would rather he let it go. It is not one of my better ones.
The Reflection In The Mirror
Sometimes I look at the reflection in the mirror and I see nothing but pride because there is much to be proud of.Â Five years of very tough times have been managed relatively well and the prospect for the future is better than ever.
But sometimes I see other things. Sometimes I see the toll it has taken and I wonder if I have lost years of life. Sometimes I look at it and wonder what sort of price I paid and what must still be paid in the days to come.
Someone has to be responsible for taking care of the messes that have been made. If there are broken pieces of pottery and shards of glass someone has to take ownership and I can’t ignore it.
Reminds me a bit of Dicaprio’s character in Inception. Did I encourage someone to wait for a train. Did I set something in motion that I need to atone for. Did I make the butterfly flap its wings and set off storms elsewhere.
Is it melodramatic? Maybe, but I don’t care. My blog, my rules.
If I have learned anything in life it is that some times I will not find answers or meaning for all that happens. Logic will not always prevail and sometimes I will have to follow my heart and hope that it hasn’t betrayed my head.
All we can do is try to live our lives andÂ accept that sometimes that yellow brick road will lead us into funky places with scary flying monkeys and other crap we would rather not deal with, but life is one of those things that no one gets out alive from.
SoÂ I suppose my old friend and school nemesis Mr. Emerson’s advice is as good as any other to follow.
â€œFinish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.â€
â€• Ralph Waldo Emerson