Take a look at the next few lines and ask yourself if any of these things really happened or if I am just writing because I love to write.
If you were tooling around the mall today you might have heard me shout, “I WILL FIND HIM!”
You might have even seen several people call me general and salute me. And then you might have seen a few people ask me what was going on and heard me tell them they were being filmed for the Texas version of Candid Camera.
I might have even said that Governor Perry was going to make an appearance for the flash mob.
It is also possible that some people weren’t very nice to me and that I responded by asking the middle girl when she was due and followed up by asking the boyfriend if he was going to sue his plastic surgeon for malpractice.
Boredom Leads To The Dark Side
Yoda is/was wrong, anger doesn’t lead to the Dark Side, boredom does.
Yeah, I admit to sometimes acting like 240 pounds of five-year-old but hell it makes life far more fun and enjoyable. It is hard to be serious all the time and even a friendly curmudgeon like me sometimes has to let it all hang loose.
There was a time back in the day when this blog was filled with posts about religion and politics. I used to spend all sorts of time arguing with trolls back then and sometimes when they would get crazy I would unleash my own particular form of crazy upon them.
It was juvenile, silly and at times ridiculously offensive. Hell it was so bad that I had to close my eyes and type blindfolded but sometimes when you deal with angry clevelanders, incensed evangelicals and enraged Buddhists you have to trust in the force and give it to them.
People just love that.
Reminds me about writing about circumcision and the crazed folks who called me a barbarian and swore that I was angry animal who didn’t know what great sex felt like and could never have compassion.
Well I offered to prove to a few of them that I knew what great sex was like and that because I was compassionate I wouldn’t wear a hazmat suit while violating them in ways would make an armadillo blush.
The Sublime and The Ridiculous
Confession, I haven’t a fucking clue what would make an armadillo blush or if that makes sense but it worked for me so I went for it because sometimes that is what a writer has to do.
You see I am a fan of stretching the limits and trying to find the place between the ridiculous and the sublime. I write and blog at the pace of me and am constantly focused on learning how to tell a story that is so compelling you can’t stop reading.
I hate hearing/reading about word limits and attention spans. It makes me insane and I want to slap people silly when they say that people won’t read.
Maybe that is why I go on these rants and tirades in which I suggest that the only reason you won’t read great content is because someone shot in your eye or shot your eye out with that BB gun from a Christmas Story.
Fuck those stupid limits and the idea that we should cater to them.
If you want to have great sex you have to let go of your insecurities and stop worrying about what might be jiggling in ways it shouldn’t and wondering if you like you are constipated or about to have the orgasm of your life.
When you write you have to find the razor’s edge and let go. You have to find the place where it hurts and rip off the scab and let it bleed and then share your pain.
Great writing touches the edges of sanity and insanity.
Great sex happens when you don’t know where you end and they begin.
Why I Haven’t Finished My Books
The reason I haven’t finished my book is a combination of things:
fear, waiting for the click and fuck if I know.
Fear is simple, I haven’t finished because I let my fear of the consequences prevent me. That is bullshit and nonsense because I am usually the guy who pushes through.
Waiting for the click isn’t really an excuse any more because the click happened so I can write about what came afterwards.
Fuck if I know is just a catchall for whatever excuse is convenient. Bottom line is that the time for excuses is past and now I am actively working on finishing them, chapter by chapter.
And now if you will excuse me I have to go, A general’s work is never done.