Most of the time I picture myself as being somewhere between 19-25. In my mind’s eye I see someone who doesn’t exist anymore, I see the college student morphing into a man and then I realize that I am decades past it all.
I look in the mirror, shake my head and tell the reflection that everything but the hairline is his fault. The body that doesn’t look as it should and the face that no longer looks like a little boy are all things I have earned.
Most of the time I don’t care all that much about it and that explains why things are as they are. I haven’t drawn the line in the sand and said I am stopping the changes that I can control and I am taking ownership of it all.
The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same
Almost 18 months ago a post called Write Dangerously appeared here. The video above was in it and though I can’t remember for certain I think I included it because it made sense to me.
It makes sense to me again, we are in the time of the Mad World and the words that accompanied the video in the post resonate with me too.
Much has changed. Much has improved. Much has left me smiling and optimistic in ways I haven’t been in quite some time. It is good, I celebrate it all yet I can’t help but feel unsettled about some things.
Members of the family are having some health issues and it is serious enough to give me pause. It is enough to make me take note and push myself just a little bit harder at the gym.
I stagger away and feel like I have done something positive, something that will help my children rest easier in the years to come. And then I look in the mirror and think about how I haven’t done enough to fix my diet.
That is where the myth of what I look like inside my head contends with the suit I bought when I was 25. I still own it, but I can’t come close to getting it to fit so even though I see who I was physically I am not.
The Story Isn’t Quite Done
Earlier this evening I had a long conversation with my children about this past year. We talked about all that has happened and what they expect to see happen in the near future.
I didn’t tell them what I know. Didn’t tell them about the good or the bad because even though the good outweighs the bad the story isn’t done. They think it is. They think they know exactly what is going to happen but I know from experience that even when you have been around for a while and think you know what is going to happen you really don’t.
That is because just when you think you have figured it all out life has a way of throwing some things at you. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad things either.
It just means that life can fool you. Life can give opportunities to you just as it can take them from you and I know that right now I am in the place where the story of the moment isn’t quite done.
And if it is not done then I don’t want to talk to the kids about the end of this chapter or the beginning of the next one because I want to see what happens. I want to have a moment to figure some of that out because even though children are often more resilient than adults they still need structure and that is our job as parents.
Slip Sliding Away
So I didn’t share what I know for certain because I want to have just a little bit more to say. Didn’t tell them good or bad because even though it makes me a bit nuts there is something kind of exciting about slid sliding away.
There is something exciting in new opportunities and I want to enjoy this moment just a little bit longer before we have to put a stamp on things and I am ok with that.