I Want To Murder The Elf On The Shelf


I don’t know about you but I think the Elf on The Shelf dude is creepy.  When I posted that he reminds me of Chucky in disguise I was not kidding.

Hell, when I see him it makes me think of all of the benefits of a premeditated first strike. Take him out during daylight hours while he hibernates because when the house is dark all hell just might break loose.

Good thing I am Jewish because that little psychopath is never going to sit on the mantle in my home. No way, no how.

I’d rather run and play in traffic than to take my chances with him. I know, not the kind and gentle Jack you are used to seeing but let’s not forget that I beat up Santa Claus and cooked The Easter Bunny.

Serious Writing For a Serious Crowd

I played around with some more serious topics. Thought about writing again about how The Wiggles Don’t Play here any more. Thought about sharing some stories about how my kids are growing up too quickly and how much life has changed.

You don’t hear about Captain Feathersword any more. My son doesn’t go wild for Thomas The Tank Engine and instead of talking about the Hokey-Pokey my daughter talks about twerking, thank you Miley.

But I didn’t want to focus on that any more than why I don’t like using “Best” as my signature on emails or review the Lessons for Being Human.

I just want to keep writing for the joy of writing and because I think this post was junk. I almost deleted it.

Thought about it but kept it because sometimes I use bad posts to measure my good posts against or at least that is the theory. It is part of what you try to do when you engage in serious writing for a serious crowd.

He Hates What I Love

We are going away for the weekend and my son has done nothing but complain about how awful it is going to be. He doesn’t understand that part of why his whining frustrates me is I love our destination. It is one of my favorite places in the world and it holds great meaning to me.

I want him to love it too. Got no problem admitting that.

He has been there before but it is about five years or so. He doesn’t really remember it and those of his friends who have been more recently have badmouthed it so his opinion is skewed.

Truth is that he doesn’t have to love it. I don’t need or want him to be a clone of me but I would really like for him to have a better attitude about this.

My concern is that he is going to paint himself into a corner where he has to dislike it so I made a point to stop talking to him about it, especially when he told me it is wrong for me to abuse my power by forcing him to go.

That made me see red so I told him I would stop abusing my power to pay for other fun things like Chanukah gifts and a Bar Mitzvah. He gave me a half assed apology and I nodded.

I was 13 once too.

Most of the time he is fantastic, but when he chooses to be a pain-in-the-ass he does an outstanding job. The boy who loved watching The Wiggles used to melt down sometimes and I would dream about the day when he understood logic.

Now he does a decent job of trying to use logic and reason to argue his way out of things and might I add that he is like his father– too damn tenacious with some of this.

Time To Run

And now I have to go. I just heard the floorboard creak softly and I need to check it out. That crazy elf isn’t going to sneak up on me and catch me unaware.

I’ll go Judah Maccabee on him with my Curious George Menorah.

See you in the AM. Be good to each other.

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  1. TheJackB November 15, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    KristenDaukas Hate it, not a fan at all.

  2. KristenDaukas November 15, 2013 at 4:14 am

    What do you think of Mensch on the Bench then??

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