The Definitive Guide To Being a Dad Blogger- 2014 Edition

Scotch Night

Technically this ran in December 2011 but it didn’t have the fancy-shmancy picture in it which means no one pinned it. I probably didn’t promote it on Google Plus nor did I stumble it which means that I didn’t do many of the things that social media experts say you should do to be successful.

Fortunately we live during a time when you can revisit old posts and pretend they are new. Hell, you don’t even have to be a real blogger to write a book about blogging and to pretend you are an expert in or at it.

Of course I don’t play in the same pond as lots of the big fancy-shmancy bloggers who write for big corporations and hang out at all the blog conferences together so I am just the old goat that sits on the periphery taking the occasional pot shots at them.

Some of the comments are tongue-in-cheek and shouldn’t be viewed as serious but others are things I really do believe in. We’ll save that for a different post. In the interim if you haven’t read the words below I encourage you to do so.

They say that if you ask you shall receive and I have certainly seen that happen to me. An unnamed publisher is paying me a very handsome sum to write The Definitive Guide To Being A Dad Blogger.  If you ask me what I am happiest about I would tell you that it is a handsome sum of money and not something ugly and meaningless.

Or maybe the thing that makes me happiest is that I get to write the Definitive guide and not some cheap unauthorized knock off.  Hell yeah, Jack doesn’t roll with imitation Kate Spade bags or fake Rolex watches. I am so damn cool and suave that the Three card Monty scam artists won’t let me play because I always take their money. Not only that, but the valets pay me to park my car.

How do you like them apples.

Damn if I haven’t gone off on a tear again. I am taking the blogosphere by storm punching out high quality posts that are stamped Grade A. If these were steaks you would call them Kobe and pay exorbitant sums to eat my meat. But I am all helping the common man and woman which is why I provide these words free of charge.

How exciting. How novel. How different.

Some of you are probably wondering how I was discovered and what kind of mojo must reside in my pants pocket. Well I have to tell you that you can’t buy the sort of mojo I have and it is not because I swing to the right, left or center. It is because I am a proud American who has pulled himself up by his bootstraps and created an empire out of a mound of cyber dirt.

My kids walk tall at school and tell all their friends that I am a blogger and then they just smile. Fortunately their old enough to pronounce the word because there was a time when they said that I was a booger and that creates an entirely different sort of image than blogger.

I have so much street cred at that school that the mean mom mafia hides from me. No teacher, parent or student dare cross me because I am armed with a laptop, internet connection and fingers of fury. From my post at the coffee shop I can heap copious amounts of scorn down upon their deserving hides.

Sadly the fine folks at Maybach haven’t figured out how important I am. They don’t take my calls or return my letters and consequently you folks won’t get to read the review of my week driving a Maybach. But I see that as a good opportunity for the other automotive companies to step in.

Drop me a line and we can talk about how this mighty keyword stuffing, SEO hating, semi anonymous dad blogger can take your car for a spin and then write an amazing review that will make people want to buy your vehicle for their own magical mystery tour.  Come correct and do the right thing so that I can do the write thing. Together we can create a Revolution that won’t go Helter Skelter.

Stay tuned to this bat channel my friends and watch as I work my magic. Witness and wonder the majesty of my blogging might which I of course take ever so seriously.

Linkbait, it is whats for dinner.

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  1. The Rock Father January 3, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    The folks at Maybach will never return your calls… because they’re all unemployed. The company ceased production of their fine, gangster automobiles back in December of 2012. It was weird, because they still had a single car and employee at the Chicago Auto Show in either ’11 or ’12, even though they’d already announced that the end of the road was coming.

    Shoot for Rolls Royce or Bentley.

    • Jack January 4, 2014 at 9:43 am

      Depends on whether Daimler revives the name or not, either way a Maybach is still out of my price range. Was harder to imagine in 2011 but not much better today either. 🙂

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