Dark eyes looked up at me and asked why I don’t ever cry. Part of me was tempted to give her the link to the Tears That Do Not Fall but she wouldn’t have appreciated that.
“Daddy, you look sad, it is ok to cry.”
I smiled at her and told her I wasn’t sad but I looked that way because I was exhausted. Too little sleep, too much work and some of the crap fromÂ The Benefits Of A Middle Age Crisis were weighing me down but I didn’t want to talk to her about most of it.
She can’t help or fix any of the crap that has been floating around and I wouldn’t think to ask her too. Let her be a kid and enjoy childhood.
“Daddy, you never tell me how you are feeling.”
I wrapped her up in a giant bear hug and rubbed my face against hers.
“Daddy, your face is rough but that won’t make me forget you haven’t answered my question.
“Sometimes fathers cry too. When my grandparents died I cried.”
“Daddy, you can cry in front of me, you don’t have to hide.”
I smiled because it was genuine concern and because I couldn’t be prouder of her but that doesn’t change who I am. I am not the guy who is going to sob in front of people nor am I likely to show the sad side of me but I didn’t want her to worry or to feel badly.
“Honey, I don’t try to hide that from you. I am not someone who cries often. When I am upset I tend to get quieter and to write more. It is not any better or any worse than how you do things or your brother.”
She looked at and I could see the wheels turning in her head and wondered what sort of question would come next from her. And then she hugged me and said she loved me.
I looked down at those dark eyes and wondered again what sort of plan she was working on. Sometimes the kids forget how very well we know them.
The Joy Of Broad Shoulders
You might wonder if the joy of broad shoulders is tempered by the joy of big hands but I don’t know if I could answer it. Â After all I have been through I tend to ask fewer questions about why some things happen because so many times it doesn’t really matter.
They aren’t the type of things that happen multiple times so you don’t gain anything from trying to figure out how to avoid them. So I tend to focus on what sort of response is needed, if any.
One of theÂ outcomesÂ of having been through some more challenging moments is that I focus on identifying what I need and what I want. What I need always takes precedence over what I want but that doesn’t mean I won’t go for what I want too.
I am proud of my tenacity and perseverance. When I want something and I commit to it I make it happen.
Doesn’t mean I haven’t ever fallen or failed because that has happened many times but the difference between me and the other guy is that I will dance in the damn fire until I find another way.
People say a lot of things. They say go away when they mean come here and sometimes they say come here so that they can say go away.
One Year Ago
Haven’t decided if I am going to write a post about this yet but figured I should jot down some notes. One year ago today I sat in my hotel room in Fort Worth, Texas and watched the Super Bowl.
It was the culmination of a three day drive and an enormous amount of work.
I won’t ever forget the mixture of fear, elation, joy and anticipation that came with it. I knew it was going to be part of a life changing experience and it was.
There is more to say and more to share but for the moment those things will have to wait. Got a few things to take care of before the game.