I remember standing in front of the Kotel, eyes closed mind open trying to absorb everything that was happening around me. I remember hearingÂ ×× ×™ ×ž××ž×™×Ÿ being repeated over and over.
I remember being 16 and hearing that if I believed with perfect faith things would happen, good things, amazing things and that one day there would be a reward I couldn’t possibly conceive of because our minds weren’t capable of it. I remember being told not to worry about finding a girlfriend because there was a woman for me and when the time was right we would find each other.
All I had to do was sayÂ ×× ×™ ×ž××ž×™×Ÿ, I believe.
When Did I Stop Believing?
Did I ever have perfect faith? Did I ever buy completely and wholeheartedly into it all?
I don’t really know. There were definitely times that I didn’t but there were times that I tried. Not just in the hard times, but during moments where I thought, “well maybe.”
But maybe never ever made it to perfect. I never could let go completely and trust without a doubt the way some friends and family did.
Been thinking about it all more and more lately because of conversations with the kids. Been thinking about what my obligation is to teach them about faith.
A Different Place
I am in a different place now. My focus on life is different than it once was. There is a shift in perception and thought. Some of it is because I am letting go of Los Angeles.
My love for the city will never change. It will always be home but unless something exceptional happens my time here is limited. Texas is calling me.
I think about it every day and I am shocked by it. Never thought I would miss it like this. I need to go back.
Are You Ready To Move Beyond What If?
The boys and I have been talking our plans for the future. Been talking about our lives and sharing thoughts, ideas and dreams. Just yesterday we spent these moments talking about plans for the future and how some things would have to be put off for a while.
There is always a reason to do these things later. That reason or reasons is often valid but the longer I live the more I see and the more I see the more I realize time is short.
Parents die, contemporaries die and people much younger than I did. Things happen and you can’t plan everything because life fools you and I realize the time has come to do these things now.
â€œWe’ll never be as young as we are tonight.â€
â€• Chuck Palahniuk, Rant
If I have learned anything during the last five years it is that life is filled with twist and curves. If I have learned anything during the last 13 months it is that what you think is impossible often isn’t and that the improbable can happen.
But it is contingent upon your willingness to move beyond “what if.”
I could say there are moments where “what if” saved my life but I could also say there have been times where “what if” was responsible for crushing my heart.
×× ×™ ×ž××ž×™×Ÿ, I believe my obligation to my children is to continue to work on filling my heart and soul with delight. Don’t interpret that as my asking for a license to be a hedonist. It is far from it.
It is permission to not have to earn a million dollars a year to give them the kind of life they deserve. It is permission to focus on writing, doing the kind of things that make heart and soul sing.
The time has come.
And I believe the net result will be a happier and more fulfilled Jack with a net result of becoming an even better father.
No more living and worrying about what if, those days are over.