Archives for March 2014
1,098,848 Things I Want To Teach My Children
I have a long list of items to teach my children. They already know how to do some of these things but it doesn’t mean they can’t expand or improve upon their skills.
This list is incomplete.
- Laugh, love and learn always and forever.
- Never forget to hold your friends and family close to you.
- A good hug can change your day. Everyone needs a hug. We all need to touch and be held.
- The majority opinion is not always right nor the most moral/ethical.
- Some things are worth fighting for and some are not. The hard part is discerning which is which.
- You can never read too many books but you must always supplement your reading/education by doing.
- Travel and interact with the world around you.
- Learn to speak more than one language.
- Play a team sport and learn how to be a team player.
- Understand that life is a journey and that half the fun is indeed getting there.
- Life is filled with moments, some good and some bad. Just remember this too shall pass.
- If saying goodbye doesn’t hurt than whatever it was probably wasn’t worth much.
- Take pictures of friends, places and loved ones. They’ll help preserve some great memories.
- Try not to grow up too quickly. Childhood is but a short time.
- Look for magic.
- Remember that you may not always agree with your parents but we are looking out for your best interests.
- Don’t be afraid to fail.
- Some people will rain on your parade and make fun of your dreams. Ignore them.
- There is a difference between a hand up and a hand out. Learn the difference.
- Sometimes it is better to do first and ask for forgiveness later.
- Learn how to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner.
- Learn how to do laundry.
- Change a tire.
- Balance a checkbook.
- Become computer literate. (In concept this should happen just because of your age, but some things shouldn’t be left to chance.
- How to write a letter and tell a story.
- How to disconnect from electronics and just be.
- How to live without having every moment of the day programmed for you.
- How to network/play/communicate without electronics.
- Be resourceful. Adapt, overcome.
- Basic math skills so that you know how to figure out tips, discounts and more. You’d be surprised how many adults don’t know how to do these things well.
- Be accountable. Own your triumphs, victories and mistakes.
- Apologize. (Dear old dad hates having to say sorry, but I have improved with age and life is often better when you can look someone in the eye and say you are sorry for screwing up.
- When to walk away and when to run. The Gambler offered some real advice there.
- Change a tire.
Sum it up  and I want my kids to be productive members of society who can take care of themselves. I want them to know how to go along to get along as well as to know when to say no and stand up for themselves.
And to remember I will always have their backs. That doesn’t mean I won’t give tell them when I think they have made a mistake because sometimes they’ll need to hear it from me.
And though it might sound like a contradiction, there might be a time where I will help them fix their mistake. Doesn’t mean they aren’t going to be held accountable, just that sometimes people need help fixing things so they can stand up and move on again.
What else should be on this list?
Are Your Posts Authentically Sterile?
Sometimes I think the worst thing I ever tried to do as a blogger was monetize my blog.
Why?
Because sometimes it feels like I sanitized the life out of it.
I used to follow the rules of the blog which were to write what I thought and felt even if it was unpopular, uncomfortable and or painful.
I don’t know if I was a better writer then or if my posts were better because they had more of the real me but something was different. This doesn’t mean I am not authentic now or that I don’t pump out the kind of posts I used to but I never used to think twice about whether I would include lyrics to a song like Closer by Nine Inch Nails.
“You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself”
What Is The Difference Between Now & Then
From a writing standpoint there is a much stronger focus on the story and trying to make sure there is an image to go along with it. Now I think about the story on a much deeper level and I am more interested in layers.
But sometimes I read my posts and yours and find myself shaking my head because we have become authentically sterile. The effort to show our read side doesn’t always translate well because we tell stories that are incomplete. We tell you about the customer service at an airline/store/post office and talk about how badly we were treated but sometimes we forget to really tell the other side.
Sometimes we forget to mention the person behind the counter heard us mutter under our breath or that they caught the nasty look we gave them.
That is not a general or blanket indictment of everyone because there are lots of times where we present as complete a picture as we are capable of, but not always.
The Words They Heard
Last week my children shared the joy of other children mistreating them. The discovered  the frenemy and I spent a chunk of the weekend talking to them about why people act as they do. I listened to their stories and ideas and offered some thoughts of my own.
They both came home from school today angry and hurt because of what these other children said or did.
Four hours ago they overheard me on what I thought was a private telephone call. They heard me tell the other caller I wasn’t interested in finding out if my kids had done anything to precipitate these events and then they heard me say that “I want to rip the little fucker’s head off and then slap both of his parents.”
And then I had to explain to them why I said what I did and hope they understood I don’t really want to hurt the frenemies because I don’t. I can’t say that I truly want to slap their parents either, I have no idea if they are good or bad people.
But what these kids don’t know is how much it hurts me to see them go through it and to know I have to watch. I can offer a shoulder and give them advice but I can’t do this part for them.
They have to learn on their own. They have to figure out what to do when someone they trusted turns on them and or lets them down.
I will pick them up when they fall down. I will do all I can to help them through it, but all I can is quite limited.
Authentic Sterility
Authentic sterility made me think twice about being as graphic because things have picked up around here. Run more campaigns than I ever have and made some pretty good contacts that I can use to try and write for bigger publications.
Bigger publications. More exposure. More notoriety and maybe more chances to make a couple of bucks I can use for fun and maybe land that big dream.
But I can’t do it that way. I can’t stifle my voice and be anyone other than who I am.
Doesn’t mean I can’t write a post without cursing, innuendo or anything mainstream finds questionable because that is easy, but I want to be picked based upon me.
Love the guy who is losing his hair, doesn’t look like he is 25 and who sometimes uses colorful language or don’t.
You Be You & I’ll Be Me
Everyone who has been in social media for a while knows the right way to do it or at least it feels like most people claim to. They’ll tell you how long a post should be, how often you should update and what you should write about.
Well you be you and I’ll be me.
I don’t want to be the guy who uses stereotypes to get picked up by some of those larger publications. It is cute for others but not for me.
And if one day you find I have left this place for greener pastures it might be because I joined Cirdan to sell across the sea or I might just be on an extended walkabout.
In the interim we’ll see how many people actually take time to read a post that doesn’t use the prescribed SEO approved authentically sterile headline.
Time to run, got to go pick up some more Shiner Bock.
The 4th Grade Bully
Someone ought to tell John Travolta I used to date Adele Mazeem. I’d say she was frigid but the cold never bothered her anyway.
That sort of silly and ridiculous comment is where I want my head to go except I am too angry to do so. Instead of making silly remarks about Vinnie Barbarino I am thinking about Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I am thinking about Ali and Liston or  the 20-year-old version of Mike Tyson.
Why?
Because another kid hit my daughter and when you mess with my kids I think of shock and awe. Mushroom clouds, drones with Hellfire missiles and all sorts of other nifty toys like Brass Knuckles and switchblades.
I am mostly kidding.
What is A Father’s Responsibility?
If you have been reading along you already know I am not interested in encasing my kids in bubble wrap and that I want them to learn how to be self sufficient.
I am not one of those parents who automatically flips out about kids doing stupid things and the girl that hit my daughter did something dumb.
She hit her in the arm and told her she wanted to fight. My daughter told her she wasn’t afraid and told her she wrestles against her older brother and wins.
It is sort of true.
It doesn’t happen often but every now and then if he has been teasing her for too long she goes after him. I don’t know if she has figured out that he knows he is not allowed to touch her so he doesn’t he doesn’t really fight back.
She is not easily baited into these moments either but the few times he has managed to make her 9.5 going on 30 mind temper flare she has gone hard.
These moments have been few and far between but we have had conversations about this and they both know there are consequences for their actions.
But they also know that they have an obligation to protect themselves and that is where I find myself figuring it all out as I go. Because in my day you didn’t get expelled from school for fighting or threatening others.
You didn’t tell a teacher or parent about the bully. You stood up for yourself or life could be very uncomfortable. I am not saying that was the right way or the best way but it was what we did…then.
Now I look at my children and try to figure out how to teach them to protect and defend themselves.
The Other Girl
I wonder about the other girl. Wonder what sorts of problems she might be having and if she has realized that she is lucky my daughter told her she is not interested in fighting. If she managed to push her into a physical altercation it wouldn’t go well for her.
That is not what I want for my daughter. I want her to use her words. I want her to make it clear she won’t accept this. I told her I would help her and I did.
I brought their teacher into the loop. Sent her an email telling her what had happened and asked her to make sure this other girl understands this cannot happen again.
When my daughter went to sleep I made sure she knew about the email and told her that if this other girl bothers her she is to tell her to get lost and to walk away.
But I also told her she is not to be a punching bag and that she is allowed to defend herself. I reiterated that she needs to remove herself from the situation but if she can’t, smack that kid so hard she can’t see straight.
The Problem With Nuance
Ideally the teacher will be able to clear this up and that will be the end of it. I don’t want my daughter to get hurt and I don’t want her to hurt this other girl.
If push comes to shove and she has no choice she has my blessing to defend herself, but I worry about the 4th grade sense of nuance and understanding of knowing when to hold them, when to fold them and when to run.
Sometimes this parenting thing is really hard.
The Sex Was Great Until She Used Her Teeth
One year later nothing has changed and yet everything is different.
“Wanderlust is a part of my heart and that restless need to find out what lies just around the bend or behind the door doesn’t always accept playing it safe.”
This time last year I sat in a hotel room trying wondering what I had gotten myself into. I had moved from Los Angeles to Texas to take a position in an office I had never been to before to work with people I had met on Skype and via email.
I had been to the Stockyards during the Fort Worth Stock and Rodeo Show and watched real cowboys wander down the street, seen Texas longhorn driven before me and known the great adventure had just begun.
It was hard being away from the family but I didn’t think it made sense to pull the kids from school midyear and have them start over, at least not until I was certain Texas was where I wanted to be.
And now a year later I am back in Los Angeles working remotely and thinking about how to move us all back to Texas. Â Spent a long time trying to figure out if the driving force was fear and pride or something else and have come to a conclusion.
Go The F*ck To Sleep Kids- The Sleepover Party Nightmare
One year before my time in Texas I sat in a house in LA and wondered how I could give my children the life I wanted them to have. LA is where I was born and raised and I know it inside and out. Know the highlights and low lights because I have lived them.
The night of that sleepover all I listened to kids screaming and watched them run amok and thought about whether my son would be more embarrassed if I called every parent and demanded they pick up their kid or if just screamed at a few of them.
That was because the ringleaders of the chaos weren’t listening to my requests to chill out. So I took my son aside and told him that I didn’t want to wreck his party but made it clear that if they wouldn’t listen to him I would shut it down.
I felt badly because it shouldn’t have been his responsibility but those children were awful, not all, just the few who were creating the issues.
He got through to them and I vowed to never have them at the house again and that came true.
Why?
Because my son made the decision on his own that they weren’t good friends and that they were people who would get him into trouble.
Productive Members Of Society
My role as a father is to teach my children how to take care of themselves so they can become productive members of society. I don’t want to wrap them in bubble wrap or do things to hamstring their ability to become self sufficient, responsible and accountable.
It is a big part of why I made the move and why I came back.
I wanted them to see that you work hard for your family and that when things aren’t working you have to be willing to mix it up. You have to be willing to take a chance.
When the opportunity to come back appeared it was unexpected but I took it because I knew we wouldn’t move them for at least a year.
And though I would have flown back each month I didn’t want to leave that as my primary option because life moves too quickly. Too much happens for me to just be gone if I didn’t have to.
Four months later my gut tells me Texas is where I should be and where we need to go.
Why?
I love Los Angeles. It will always be home but what it costs to live here has become prohibitively high and I can’t do as much. I have to work harder for less and that bothers me.
Hair Today Gone Tomorrow
People tease me about my hair line because it is not what it used to be. A very thick head of hair is dramatically and noticeably thin on top.
Some of that is just life and some of it comes from the stress of hard times we have been through. It seems to me that I always tell my children we should work to live and not live to work.
That is not how I have been living but it can be.
Nothing is set in stone and plans can be changed. All I have to do is look at the last year or even the last five to see the proof of that.
But I also know that I can be the captain of my ship and the conductor of my life. The last year proved that too. Have ample examples of how I Â made things happen and I will do so again.
What about you? Are you willing to accept what you have or are you able to reach for the brass ring the next time it comes by?
Why Your Post Sucks and Everyone Hates Your Blog
Editor’s Note: This post was written in 2011. It is tongue-in-cheek but there is some truth in it. Even though three years have passed since I first wrote it the things I wrote about are still pertinent. Bloggers are still fighting to generate traffic, build readership and they still wonder why more people haven’t fallen in love with their blogs.
Anyhoo, I like repurposing and reusing content when I can which is part of why you are seeing this post. Would love to get your feedback in the comments.
*****
That headline is what we social media experts and uberbloggers call link bait. It is slightly more sophisticated than saying something like Kim Kardashian Sex Tape, Naked pictures of Brad Pitt or Better Than Viagra. It has one purpose and that is to get you the reader to click on it. It is kind of a weak way to go and I try not to use it too often. I prefer to be far more blatant and write something like “5 reasons you won’t read this.â€
I suppose that I should be pleased that Akismet isn’t a person because those samples of link bait are guaranteed to generate quite a bit of spam. If Akkywere a person he would be less than pleased to see me make extra work for him.
During the past week I have read a half dozen posts that have made me shake my head for a variety of reasons. Join me for a moment on a brief tour of the inside of my head. Mind the dust, when I turned 40 they replaced brain with a colander and it has gotten kind of messy inside there.
I am not a fan of these YouTube videos starring Hitler. I generally don’t see much value in using a genocidal maniac as the comic foil for videos and or posts. It is even worse when they are poorly written. Granted I probably have less tolerance for laughing at the man who is responsible for wiping out part of my family. I suspect that more than a few people share this in common. One person tried to explain his use of Hitler as being similar to the exploits in Jackass. There is a huge difference between showing videos of your friends farting on another and using a genocidal murderer who is responsible for the deaths of tens of millions.
And we move on.
More than a few posts discussed the proper way to comment on blogs. It took restraint on my part not to point out that telling people to innovate and be creative 25 times is not innovative, creative or particularly interesting. Sometimes less is more. That might sound funny coming from a man who has a problem with brevity but it is true.
But what bothers me more than that poorly written, ill constructed and definitely not innovative post is the general cynicism and selfish streak that seems to be taking hold in the blogosphere. I keep reading posts where people write about how much they dislike one line comments. They keep talking about how they hate reading “great post†and how they often delete those because they don’t want to be used by other bloggers as a tool for building page rank, SEO and link juice.
I take a different approach. While I prefer longer comments that demonstrate that someone read my post I don’t get upset with things like “Great post†provided that they aren’t used for free advertising. In fact if someone writes a thoughtful comment that links to some sort of commercial service I will usually leave it up.
My goal is to build a community and to create conversation. My blog is like a backyard barbecue. I want to facilitate conversation not stifle it. I don’t wander around my backyard shushing people for talking.
One last thought to share. RSS, Twitter and Facebook have really had a negative impact on blogging in two areas.
1) Fewer people come to the actual blog to read the posts. They lose some of the flavor of the blog and it is far less likely that they will click through the archives.
2) We really do share fewer links than we used to. It has been said here and many other places but it bears repeating. There is a lot of value in sharing links in blog posts. Social media is about engagement and interaction. Interact with others. Share information that you think is worthwhile and valuable and do it without trying to figure out if you will be compensated for it.
And most importantly, be nice. Good things will come from it.