From the archives…
As many of you know I sometimes play with telemarketers. I canâ€™t say that there is any rhyme or reason to it. It sort of depends on my mood and the approach of the telemarketer. There are some really good people out there who are just doing their job and then there are those who make dead skunks look intelligent. No matter how hard they try they just arenâ€™t capable of getting it done.
But like I said, sometimes you find a gem and you end up with great blog fodder such as:
Recently I decided to try a new tack with the telemarketers. I try to sell them life insurance, or some other service. Thus far it has been kind of fun. You should hear the surprise in their voice when I answer their sales pitch with one of my own.
And every now and then you find someone who has a little spunk of their own.
Telemarketer: Can I speak with Mr. Steiner please?
Jack: I am not sure if he is available. Is he expecting your call?
Telemarketer: I have some very important news to give him.
Jack: That doesn’t tell me anything. Do you know Mr. Steiner?
Telemarketer: It is very important that I speak with him now.
Jack: It is very important that you tell me who you are.
Telemarketer: Sir, Mr. SteinerÂ is going to be quite cross if you don’t connect us.
Jack: Actually he is more of a Magen David.
Telemarketer: Would you please find him for me?
Jack: He is not lost.
Telemarketer: Son. Your father is going to be quite angry if you play games with me.
Jack: What kind of games do you like to play?
Telemarketer: Please put your father on.
Jack: Hang on. Let me see if he has finished slaughtering my pet cow. Money has been awfully tight around here. We’re going to miss old Bessie.
Telemarketer: Do you live on a farm?
Jack: Yes. It is a fun farm.
Telemarketer: Do you know that funny farm is a nickname for a hospital.
Jack: You’d have to be crazy to say something silly like that. Hang on, I hear my father coming in now.
I put the phone down and yell “Dad!” Then after a brief pause I pick it up and say hello.
Telemarketer: Mr. SteinerÂ I have very good news for you.
Jack: Are you with the lottery?
Telemarketer: No I am not with the lottery.
Jack: How about that Ed McMahon guy, you know Publisher’s Clearinghouse.
Telemarketer: No. I am not with them either.
Jack: Do you carry life insurance?
Telemarketer: I do, but that is not the purpose of my call.
Jack: Hang on a second, no one wants to believe that they are going to die, but believe you me. One day you’re going to be just another ground monkey. What is your family going to do then. How are they going to eat.
Telemarketer: I appreciate that but…
Jack: Appreciate isn’t going to pay the bills. Tell me about yourself. How old are you? Are you married, do you have children, do you rent or own?
Telemarketer: Sir, if I can take a moment of your time…
Jack: Just relax. Everyone gets nervous. Answer the questions slowly. Perhaps it might help if you write them down. I can hold on while you get a pen and paper.
Telemarketer: I have a pen, paper and a computer.
Jack: You don’t need all three. Just use whatever is easiest.
Telemarketer: I think that I am going to have to say goodbye.
Jack: You just said the magic words: “Good Buy.” That is all I offer, “good buys.” Why don’t we discuss a plan that will provide enough cash to cover your mortgage and a couple of bucks for the wife and kids to live on.
Telemarketer: I think that you misunderstood me. I have a service that you might be interested in.
Jack: A service? You mean like customer service?
Telemarketer: Excellent customer service is something that I strive to provide.
Jack: Hey fella, if you are applying for a job I am going to need for you to send over a resume first.
Telemarketer: I already have a job.
Jack: But do you have a career. Why settle for a job when you can have more,.
Telemarketer: I am sorry. I am really going to have to hang up.
Jack: Just give me five more minutes and I am sure I can explain to you why our policies are superior to the other guys.