How To Handle Bad Roommates

Bearing failure

Someone once told me that “he who laughs last laughs best.” Well, I don’t know if that is true but I am about to find out. My dear roommate thought it would be funny to mess with me by posting questionable pictures of me online.

Sure Jimmy, millions of people are going to get off with those pictures. After all who doesn’t want to see a man reading a newspaper on the toilet. Ok, so it wasn’t the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times but who cares. Really, do you think that anyone is going to think less of me because I like to spend my time in the smallest room of the house reading The National Enquirer.

You never know when it might be useful to learn that the reason Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston is because he is really Angelina Jolie’s brother. How many people are cognizant of the fact that the reason why the Middle East is blowing up is because there is a war being fought between the Martians and the Venusians.

Don’t think that I haven’t noticed your passive-aggressive behavior. I may not respond to your little digs but I notice them. I don’t respond because by not doing so I piss you off more. Yes, I know that you hate the lack of reaction. You are like a freaking insecure woman who flips out because I don’t pay enough attention to you.

Has there ever been a man more in need of a blow job than you. I don’t think so.  Nor is it my fault that you got arrested for hiring a tranny to take care of that need. Did you ever hear of Hugh Grant? Dude, only an idiot parks their car in a strip mall at 6 PM. It wasn’t dark out and the dry cleaner was still open. What did you think was going to happen.

I wish I could have been there to here you fumble through an excuse. I can picture the little beads of sweat forming on your head and that nervous laugh. Did you try one of your stupid jokes on the cop. “Gee officer, I am not sure how that ended up in her mouth, I was trying to help her find a contact lens and somehow it sprung out.”

But you are a moron and I am guessing that what prompted your anger towards me is the telephone call you heard between Dave and I. Maybe you forgot but Dave and I are in the process of rebuilding a car. When we were talking about a tranny it wasn’t about your experience but the transmission we need to rebuild that ’67 Camaro in his garage.

Damn, if I wasn’t so strapped for cash I wouldn’t be sharing a place with a dolt like you. I only wish that you could read this because I am typing slowly so that you can keep up. You my dunder headed friend made a serious mistake when you came after me with your Cool Hand Luke quote about a “Failure to communicate.”

So let me communicate this. Your mother reads the Beverly Hills Newspaper Daily and she’ll see the following ad with a picture;

For Sale: One slightly used Penis Pump. Not sure when it was last cleaned, if ever. The soon to be former owner is a skinny blond man who was arrested for indecent exposure in a local strip mall.

Of course I’ll use your cell phone and email address as contact information.

Who is laughing now…big boy.

(Editor’s note: this originally ran here but without the photo. Decided to add one and see if it made a significant difference in its reception.)

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8 Comments

  1. Glasgowdragonfly June 22, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    If it’s any consolation, in my experience, there’s always one room mate that’s a freak. They also say, “you never know what goes on behind closed doors” – friends often seem normal until you bunk up with them and then their wierd and wonderful attitudes start to reveal themselves. And I’m sure I’m probably the house mate from hell myself. This post made me smile, thanks Jack!

    • Jack June 22, 2014 at 8:56 pm

      Hi G,

      The joy of living with people is discovering their secrets and true personality quirks. Some are ever so endearing and some are…awful.

      Hope you are having a fine day.

  2. Natalie D June 21, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Checkmate.
    I’ve only had great roommates, so I am in a small and diminishing margin of the population…

  3. Larry June 20, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    I think lesser of you knowing your reading choices.
    I also don’t want to get on your bad side.

  4. nancydavis June 20, 2014 at 10:12 am

    I have had bad roomates before. Heck, I lived in a place that sometimes had as many as fifty people in it. Imagine the headache one could get just from making something as simple as a pot of coffee.

    Before that experience, I lived with someone who was highly passive aggressive. This was the kind of person who would take a good thirty minutes in the shower, then wander around for another twenty, and would wonder why in the world you were annoyed with them. Hmmm…perhaps because you are a totally inconsiderate moron?

    This same person was also a slob so he would pay me to clean the house. No joke, it would take five hours to clean only the first floor of the house and it would take him a day to dirty it up like it never got cleaned.

    Yeah, I don’t miss those days. Not one bit.

    • Jack June 20, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      Hi Nancy,

      I have been very lucky because the majority of my roommate experiences have been positive. I really haven’t had many and the majority were many years ago when I was a young and tolerant man.

      These days I like being a curmudgeon and I am not sure how well I would do with some of the people/situations you have described.

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