Dancing With Demons

Got a cold bottle of Blue Moon on my right and The Number Of The Beast blowing out my speakers now. Stretching in my seat, working out the kinks in my neck my mind is moving between the Fall of ’82 when I picked up the album and the present.

Doesn’t take any effort to hear weights clinking or to smell the sweat of the gym. Not so long ago this song was part of what I listened to as I did my best to transform my body from that 98 pound weakling into Charles Atlas.

Truth be told, that is an exaggeration because I never was the weakling. Never was the tallest but always was among the broadest and strongest.

People said it was because I am a Taurus, said I took after the bull, especially after they heard me speak.

Dancing With Demons

Can’t decide if I want to tell you about the lead singer of Iron Maiden is a pilot. Can’t decide if now is the time to talk about how images and how I imagine Bruce Dickinson must really be different from what people expect. The man leads a heavy metal band and is a licensed commercial airline pilot.

Or maybe this is the time to share other things. Started wearing my hair differently because I decided I needed to change a few things about me.

Decided that if I wanted certain things to happen I needed to go about it differently yet the more some things change, the more they stay the same.

Been staring at the old man in the mirror thinking about how to do a better job of sticking to my diet and how to increase the amount of time I get to lift.

I remember that high I used to get from lifting. I remember the joy I felt when the adrenaline kicked in and exhaustion was replaced by some sort of natural high octane lift.

The thing is I haven’t ever figured out the right balance between time and lifting. Or more accurately I haven’t figured out how to put two hours in at the gym each day and give my family the time they deserve.

I have tried to balance it, tried to find a way that satisfied it all but haven’t been successful.

Or at least that is the excuse I use for not being in the kind of shape I want to be in.

It is not a horrible excuse but it is not a good one because I don’t really believe it.

abouttime

Kids and Electronics

My kids are spending too much time tied to electronics and not enough outside. Been making a push to change that.

I have been taking them to the pool every day. It is good for all of us. Been making a point to do a few laps and every time I finish I shake my head and wonder how I ever let myself get so out of shape.

What kind of role model am I, certainly not the one I expected to be.

The complex we live in is safe enough for the kids to move among the townhouses but I am not ready for them to ride their bikes outside of here.

It bothers me.

If I want them to spend more time being active I need to provide opportunity for them to do so but this place is problematic. So I tell myself that when we move next year I’ll find a solution.

I feel more confident about that for my son than my daughter. Some of it is age related but they both need to have that opportunity to run.

They’ll stay in the team sports because it is good for them in so many ways but I do wonder about home work. Thus far it has all worked out, but what if we hit a place where it doesn’t.

Education is important, but so is staying in shape.

Ghosts Of The Past

I can see my reflection in the window next to my desk. I see me as I am now but I also see Steiner 1989. Flat top, tan and muscle bound he shakes his head at me.

“You promised this wouldn’t happen to us. You said you would find a way and you failed. Now look what you have done.”

I can’t ignore the rebuke because most of it is health related and not ego. Sure he hates like hell the six pack isn’t what it once was and even though I can show him that it is still around he won’t accept it.

When he shakes his head I tell him he doesn’t understand what it is like to have these responsibilities and that there are mystery aches and pains that appear.

“When I feel that twinge I don’t push because I am concerned I’ll aggravate something.”

He shakes his head again.

“Remember when they threw us through the window onto the concrete? Remember when they threw us through the closet doors? Remember that broomball game when we took two brooms in the head and kept playing?”

I hear what he is saying and the undertone that says I have gotten soft.

Glaring back at him I tell him physically I am not even close to who I was, not a tenth but mentally I am one thousand times tougher.

“You never would have been able to deal with this. You would have folded. You would have closed up shop and run away.”

The sun moves and the reflection is gone. It is not really fair to say he couldn’t have done what I do because Steiner 1989 wasn’t a father. He had no responsibilities and nothing but himself.

There were some advantages in that but that guy didn’t know what it was like to love his kids nor did he know the joy of little arms wrapped around his neck.

Steiner 2014 dances in the fire and dances with demons because it is what he does. But he is convinced that he’ll find that place he has been searching for and that he’ll recognize that moment.

And when he does he’ll grab onto it with those big gorilla mitts and hold because what is meant for you won’t go past you.

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6 Comments

  1. Larry July 30, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    Who has 2 hours to work out and still get everything else done? Nah, not the way I want to use my time. How long did you do that for?

    I want my kids to use their electronics less. Till the minute we leave for camp and the minute they get home, they are content to be on electronics. Well, my older boy likes to have a catch, so we at least have that. Anyway, it rubs me the wrong way.

    • Jack July 30, 2014 at 8:07 pm

      I had that for years, but that includes college and the first few years afterwards when it was just me.

      I told my son today that I am going to make sure he knows how to read a real map and that I am making a list of things he has to know how to do in the real world as well as online.

      • Larry July 31, 2014 at 4:07 am

        You should have that list things, explain why you want him to know this, and how the teaching goes and turn it into a blog post or even series of posts. i think it would be great.

  2. Sebastian Aiden Daniels July 29, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Damn 98 pounds. How old were you when you were 98 pounds?

    The tied to electronics is one of the reasons why I am partially frightened to have kids these days. I wonder how growing up with so much distraction and attachment to electronics will affect the youngest generation when they are older. Only time will tell.

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