Been 11 months since I came homeÂ but it hasn’t been an easy time.
That is because my return wasn’t the choice I wanted to make, it was the one I had to make. I remember thinking about what to do and realizing that if I sent want, need and had to into a room there wasn’t room for all of them to come out.
It wasn’t much of a fight. Want fought hard but need and had to beat the snot of out want and I left knowing that I would pay a price for my choices.
Wasn’t a surprise or a question just a matter of how long it would take for me to pay back whatever it was I borrowed from the bank of life.
Joshua Tree National Park
The drive out to Texas took three days but that was because I wasn’t in a rush but the way back was different.
I pushed hard to get back and drove close to 1,5oo miles in two days.
Did it because I knew that the faster I got back the sooner I could start putting the pieces together so that I could get life back on track. Pushed hard enough that two hours after I arrived I threw up.
Wiped my lips, washed my face and thought about how I had almost taken a detour to Joshua Tree National Park.
Been a long time since I had visited Joshua Tree and part of me thought it would be a good rest stop. There is something about the park that catches my breath and quiets my mind.
Maybe it is the stark beauty of the desert and the endless miles of empty that make that possible, not really sure.
Was part way there whenÂ Sunday Morning Coming Down played on my radio and I had this feeling that if I went it was going to turn into a much longer detour than I anticipated.
So I kept driving and figured that somewhere along the way I’d find a place to visit and time to quiet my head but I never did get to that place.
Maybe it was because I knew that I couldn’t really relax until I took care of the things that were waiting.
Months later I look back and think about all of the battles that have taken place between now and then. Think about how some of them involved family and people I never expected to do as they did and wonder what if anything I am supposed to take from it all.
Was already independent and willing to do what I needed to do but maybe I required another lesson or maybe it was all just random coincidence.
Doesn’t really matter because the end result was I walked away feeling like I still had relatively few people if any to rely upon.
My Laughing Place
Might be anger and frustration talking, that happens when a man doesn’t get a chance to visit his laughing place.
I think it is about time for me to visit mine, might not be theÂ
And after that visit we’ll bring backÂ want, need and had toÂ for a second visit and we’ll see if this time there isn’t a different outcome than last.