You Met The Worst Salesman Ever

Frieze: dunce
‘Come at me bro’ is universally recognized as a poor way to open a conversation yet there are those who see it as both appropriate and practical but not I.

If you read She Saved My Heart you know that even though the Grinch is my hero I still possess a shred of compassion and own a tiny black heart that much like the little engine that could never quit(s).

But those truths aren’t enough to prevent my inner Taurus from feeling the need to stomp, gore and trample those who make the mistake of gaining the wrong sort of attention from me.

The Telephone Rang

The telephone rang twice during the late afternoon.

The first was a butt dial that disappointed me because I didn’t get to listen to anything interesting, educational, informative or exciting. And everyone knows the best part of being butt dialed is getting to listen to something special.

Call number two came from a man who said he had found my resume online and thought I had the qualities of someone who would be successful.

“Hello, Mr. Steiner, I am in receipt of your resume and I believe you have the qualities of someone who could be successful. Would you like to hear about this opportunity?”

I was fairly certain I knew what he was going to sell me but I figured I would make sure by listening to what he had to say.

“What would you say Mr. Steiner if I told you that I could offer you an opportunity to be your own boss and make a very fine living?

“I’d wonder if you were about to tell me that you were going to give me control of my dream to own 16 McDonalds. Do you know how many Chicken Nuggets and Big Macs I can eat?”

He surprised me by not slowing down and told me he wasn’t going to fulfill my dream by providing me with 16 McDonalds but that he would tell me about how I could earn enough to buy 16 on my own.

“Well Mr. Steiner if you are open to learning something today than I can tell you about how this would be possible on a part-time or even a full-time basis.”

I might have grown slightly irritated when he wouldn’t allow himself to be pulled off of script to play along with my dream and tried to tell me about a great opportunity that was only available if I was open to learning.

Part of that is because I didn’t have to do the math to know that no one makes enough cash in a year to buy 16 McDonalds working part-time and that even full time would be a stretch, at least it would be being a broker.

Don’t tell me that I am being close-minded and that it is possible because I know it is. I know that if I got licensed to sell stocks or life insurance I might have the contacts to make that kind of money.

Maybe my pal Froah Damonkeylover is a multimillionaire who decides he is willing to help me make my year by helping me hit the jackpot but it is not likely.

There is a much better shot of me buying a house in Cleveland and agreeing to deal with flaming rivers and frigid rivers than of hitting that jackpot.

Anyhoo I decided it was time to cut to the chase and asked the fine fellow on the phone if he was talking about a position that was salaried or commission only.

That was when he tried to explain that bonuses and residuals and a sense of satisfaction made a salary less attractive and I responded by laughing.

You Aren’t Open

“Mr. Steiner, you aren’t really open to learning about new opportunities are you. That is really a shame because this one is special.”

“How long have you been with the company? What else have you sold? Have you been working for more than 5 years? Between studying for the license, taking the test and waiting for the state to acknowledge I passed we are probably talking about a realistic start date of some time in January right.”

I suspect the rapid response and multiple questions caught him off guard, but he tried to answer.

“I have been with the firm for almost a year and selling different items for about five. You can have a license in about three weeks.”

I told him I had interviewed with one of the major players in the industry and they told me it would be at least five weeks and said I had more faith in that response because it came from someone who had been in the field for more than a decade. And then I told him I was disappointed that he wouldn’t go off script and kept insisting the unlikely and improbable was possible.

“Mr. Steiner, I don’t think it is appropriate to ask all these questions over the telephone and not in person. I don’t have time to answer them. You need to stop asking them and come in to meet with me.”

His “Come at Me Bro” response earned him a full Steiner drubbing which would have been far more fun to do in person but I wasn’t about to give him the time.

“Let’s establish a few things here, you called me. It is not my fault or my problem if you don’t have time to talk. Someone needs to retrain you and help you understand that when you contact prospective employees you are selling the company and the opportunities it offers. You can’t do that when you insult the prospects and or get upset when they don’t react/respond as you want them to. I am among the best salespeople you have ever met because I know when to tell the story and when to shut up and listen.”

You Met The Worst Salesman Ever

“Mr. Steiner, I don’t believe that. I believe that people leave you thinking you met the worst salesman ever. If you are so good at your job why are you on the phone with me looking for work.”

“Maybe it is because I own 16 McDonalds that I earned from working hard and now I am the Duke of Burger Flipping and Earl of Mcnuggets.”

Sadly there is no more tale to tell because we were disconnected, it was too bad because I was about to really say ‘Come at me Bro.”

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  1. Larry November 14, 2014 at 8:05 am

    This is funny. My first thought was you should have let this go to voice mail. However, I think you enjoyed this conversation. What a jerk – nice if he would take in some of your tips.

    • The JackB November 15, 2014 at 8:49 pm

      I didn’t recognize the number and since I was expecting an important call I answered it not knowing it wasn’t the call I was waiting for. It was sort of fun, even if was a silly fool.

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