When Gratitude Goes AWOL

Trust yourself...

Trust yourself…

It might seem incongruous to slap a Darth Vader quote on a picture of a surfer but it makes perfect sense to me because I am battling the urge to give in to the Dark Side.

My gratitude seems to have gone AWOL and my desire to go find it and bring it back home is almost non existent and tempered by the feeling that it doesn’t matter because the only person I trust now is me.

That is not to say I am without friends because I am fortunate to have many and to have the kind you can call at any time. People I could call and ask to come get me and no matter where I was in the world they would try.

But the kind of help I really want/desire is not the sort they can offer and I won’t ask for what they can because if they can’t help there I have nothing else to ask.

And the truth is I won’t say more than I have or go looking for what they can’t provide because there is no upside to it.

These are not words you’ll hear me say in person either and I am not sure I’ll publish this post or leave it up if I do.

These words are here now because they take the edge off and because they just might provide some much needed clarity.

Clarity For When You Lack Perspective

Whenever I find myself in the midst of an uncomfortable situation I think about what I would advise my children to do if they were in it.

Sometimes it leads me to think I hope they are smarter than their old man and sometimes I shrug my shoulders because shit happens and I can’t say for certain it won’t happen to them.

But what is driving the crazy feeling in my head is an internal seesaw in which I feel certain there is no way I won’t figure this out and a small whisper that says maybe I won’t.

Maybe this time when I fall off of the board the waves will finally have their way with me and I’ll be like Charlie Brown trying to kick the ball while Lucy is holding it for him.

It doesn’t feel particularly far fetched because the people I never thought to pull the ball out from under me did.

I don’t want to be that guy who doesn’t trust anyone and who always has low expectations because it doesn’t work very well for me.  My nature is such that when I feel something I FEEL it.

When the kids tell me they are upset about life being unfair I nod my head and tell them I understand. I tell them to recognize it never has been and never will be.

Sometimes that leads us into conversations about fighting for equality but I always tell them there are limits to that, Everyone should have the same ability to work hard for things. You shouldn’t be limited or restrained based upon race/religion/creed and all that other stuff we learn as we grow up.

But we know some people are born with certain advantages and I am ok with that. If your family is wealthy you’ll have some advantages that come along with it and I don’t particularly care.

I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing

That quote is directed at me. It is me yelling/giving myself a pep talk because of whiny monologue in my head about how things are and how I want them to be.

Kind of funny because if you know me you know I remark upon how many people are unhappy with the world because they live in a world of “I wish life was like XYZ” and not as things are.

Hell it would be great if I were four inches taller because I wouldn’t have to drop a single pound. Wouldn’t hurt if I could fly or had super strength but those are wishes for things I can’t control and are highly unlikely to ever happen.

I have the ability to influence so many other things in my life so there is little reason to let myself believe that I am stuck where I am forever because I can do something about it.

Somewhere in this blog I wrote about that and said something to the effect of, “if you don’t like your life make a change. Move. You are not a fucking tree rooted to one place.”

But I seem to have forgotten about that and when I reminded myself I wondered if I could really do it so it is appropriate to have a 7 foot tall Sith lord yell at me about my lack of faith.

Because I have gotten through every bad day and past every challenge.

So why won’t I find a way this time as well.

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Comments

  1. I’m praying for you, my friend. And I bless you.

    The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.

    You can also find blessing in your blessing Jerusalem. And Jerusalem needs much blessing in these times. But don’t bless it quietly under your breath. Do it boldly, gladly and loudly.

    • @faryna:disqus I appreciate that more than you know. Our time is coming, I really feel like the carousel is coming around and it will be our time to feel that sun on our backs again.

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