I want to make a funny comment about the picture except I can’t get beyond feeling like I am the cow and not the bull and getting rammed from behind isn’t just painful, it is humiliating.
Humiliating because I feel like everything I have tried to do to fix the current mess I am in has fallen short and that is a bitter pill to swallow.
Men are socialized to provide and protect and when you feel like you are falling short of your own expectations it is a rough moment.
I say moment because I know I’ll find a way out from under and will walk in the sunshine again but some moments last a minute and other moments are endless.
The joy of being intense and a writer has its price.
Sometimes it as easy to imagine doom as joy but life has taught me to focus on the upside and not the negative. The blog has been a big help, just reading some of the recent posts helps lighten the mood a bit.
- Water Wonâ€™t Extinguish This Fire
- Some People Take Blogging Too Seriously
- The People We Meet Online
- Your Social Media Blog Is Still My Favorite Cure For Insomnia
- Grades Are Meaningless
Except the lighter mood is broken by multiple concerns.
There is stuff going on at my son’s school that has me worried. An issue that verged on being described as bullying had disappeared but seems to have cropped back up and the big guy Â is miserable.
He told me today he feels like he can’t trust anyone and it broke my heart.
This hiccup in his life isn’t news to me. I have been aware of it and have done my best to help him navigate a path through it but I intentionally took a low profile.
I worried about whether getting more involved would make it harder for him and because he seemed to be dealing well with it I stayed in the shadows.
But today changed my mind, I am going to dig into things and see what I can do to get the administration/teachers to help.
It kills me to hear him say no one has his back, mostly because that is precisely how I feel now.
Got a slammed with a bunch of crap a while back but didn’t freak out because I figured I just needed to buy a little time and it would get sorted out.
Except it has taken longer than I ever could have imagined and I find myself worrying that I was wrong about hitting bottom.
We might not have hit it yet.
Need to see a doctor and a dentist but gave up my insurance to save a couple of bucks. At the time I was certain it wouldn’t be an issue, I’d just float for a bit and then everything would fall into place and I would go.
Except it hasn’t worked out that way and now I am wondering if stress is causing some issues or if some issues are causing issues.
John, Paul, George and Ringo are singing about one sweet dream coming true today and I am thinking it is a message from parts and places above and beyond.
It is black as pitch here so it should be easy to see the stars but part of me isn’t convinced the twinkling lights above aren’t from someone slamming my head into a wall.
Part of me wants to go to war, part of me thinks now would be a fine time to find a man to fight.
Somewhere inside my head there is an image of me walking into a saloon in a western and ordering a whiskey that I’ll barely have time to finish.
‘Cuz some dude will bust a chair across my back or break a bottle over my head and learn to his chagrin that instead of knocking me out he just pissed me off.
I’ll take on anyone and every one who wants a piece and it won’t end until I can’t stand any more. The calvary won’t come to rescue me because I am the stranger and the stranger walks alone.
Except I’ll skip the bar and settle for working on the heavy bag and lifting weights. I can still bring it hard and it won’t hurt as much in the morning.
Even better is being able to sleep in my own bed, I have no desire to wear a pair of silver bracelets.
Deep In The Heart Of Texas
Gene Autry is singing about the stars at night and I am thinking again about my apartment in Texas and the life I had there.
More and more I am convinced that going back will make some things better and some things harder.
Part of dad’s dilemma is figuring out the most effective and efficient solutions to the challenges we face based upon little information and a lot of go with your gut feeling.
This parenting business isn’t for the faint of heart.