Dad’s Dilemma

SEX SELLS (Girls just wanna have fun)

I want to make a funny comment about the picture except I can’t get beyond feeling like I am the cow and not the bull and getting rammed from behind isn’t just painful, it is humiliating.

Humiliating because I feel like everything I have tried to do to fix the current mess I am in has fallen short and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

Men are socialized to provide and protect and when you feel like you are falling short of your own expectations it is a rough moment.

I say moment because I know I’ll find a way out from under and will walk in the sunshine again but some moments last a minute and other moments are endless.

The joy of being intense and a writer has its price.

Sometimes it as easy to imagine doom as joy but life has taught me to focus on the upside and not the negative. The blog has been a big help, just reading some of the recent posts helps lighten the mood a bit.

Dad’s Dilemma

Except the lighter mood is broken by multiple concerns.

There is stuff going on at my son’s school that has me worried. An issue that verged on being described as bullying had disappeared but seems to have cropped back up and the big guy  is miserable.

He told me today he feels like he can’t trust anyone and it broke my heart.

This hiccup in his life isn’t news to me. I have been aware of it and have done my best to help him navigate a path through it but I intentionally took a low profile.

I worried about whether getting more involved would make it harder for him and because he seemed to be dealing well with it I stayed in the shadows.

But today changed my mind, I am going to dig into things and see what I can do to get the administration/teachers to help.

*****

It kills me to hear him say no one has his back, mostly because that is precisely how I feel now.

Got a slammed with a bunch of crap a while back but didn’t freak out because I figured I just needed to buy a little time and it would get sorted out.

Except it has taken longer than I ever could have imagined and I find myself worrying that I was wrong about hitting bottom.

We might not have hit it yet.

Need to see a doctor and a dentist but gave up my insurance to save a couple of bucks. At the time I was certain it wouldn’t be an issue, I’d just float for a bit and then everything would fall into place and I would go.

Except it hasn’t worked out that way and now I am wondering if stress is causing some issues or if some issues are causing issues.

stars

John, Paul, George and Ringo are singing about one sweet dream coming true today and I am thinking it is a message from parts and places above and beyond.

It is black as pitch here so it should be easy to see the stars but part of me isn’t convinced the twinkling lights above aren’t from someone slamming my head into a wall.

Part of me wants to go to war, part of me thinks now would be a fine time to find a man to fight.

Somewhere inside my head there is an image of me walking into a saloon in a western and ordering a whiskey that I’ll barely have time to finish.

‘Cuz some dude will bust a chair across my back or break a bottle over my head and learn to his chagrin that instead of knocking me out he just pissed me off.

I’ll take on anyone and every one who wants a piece and it won’t end until I can’t stand any more. The calvary won’t come to rescue me because I am the stranger and the stranger walks alone.

Except I’ll skip the bar and settle for working on the heavy bag and lifting weights. I can still bring it hard and it won’t hurt as much in the morning.

Even better is being able to sleep in my own bed, I have no desire to wear a pair of silver bracelets.

Deep In The Heart Of Texas

Gene Autry is singing about the stars at night and I am thinking again about my apartment in Texas and the life I had there.

More and more I am convinced that going back will make some things better and some things harder.

Part of dad’s dilemma is figuring out the most effective and efficient solutions to the challenges we face based upon little information and a lot of go with your gut feeling.

This parenting business isn’t for the faint of heart.

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Comments

  1. Sorry things are so crappy now. I hope that floor has already been reached.
    I hate bullying and am sorry to see your son in a bad place. That’s so hard on a parent.

  2. Ugh. I’m sorry. Suckky things and people are just that. Suckky. Sucktastic.

    I’m sorry to hear you feel slammed and I hope that the stars start shining a bit better for you really soon. And yes, man, seriously. Parenting. Whoa. I hear that. I hope that things get better there, too. It’s a rough go when there’s little we can do, or if it feels that way.

    Either way, know that your words are still extremely powerful and I’m glad to be reading them. Best to you, friend. If we ever meet I’ll buy you a whiskey and I’ll keep an eye on the door, too.

    • @ace1028:disqus I’ll take that whiskey and should the bad guys pay a visit I’ll do my best not to knock over your drink when I throw them across the bar.

      This is just one moment in time, just a blip and I won’t let it define me but damn. It is part of the joy of life.

      Hope things are good with you.

  3. So much stress. I’m so sorry.

  4. Hey Jack, chin up. I know you’re handling things because you’re sharing them. When things get me way way down, you won’t read them because I don’t write. Anyway … on a practical level: If you haven’t already, demand to meet with the Principal. Tell her/him there must be a remedy to your son’s being bullied. If you don’t see results, go to the District office and file a uniform complaint … ask for it. Demand in that to see a resolution. I know it sounds pushy etc but that’s how you have to be sometimes. Tell your son to look for friends in unlikely places with the kids who aren’t so popular etc. Teach him to proactively avoid these people bothering him. Good luck man, I know it will work out. I’ve taught elementary school for almost 16 years. Hang in there.

    • @rileycentral:disqus The funny thing about your comment is I don’t share much in person at all. I open up to very few people and generally just do my thing because I know I am the only person I can really rely on.

      Anyhoo, the blog is different because it is one of the primary ways I have for blowing off steam and not just blowing up. It also provides an excellent way to find clarity and figure out next steps.

      I appreciate your advice and guidance here. It sounds solid and I am going to try it. He is so damn close to getting through all this but I am done with waiting to see. Sometimes we have to get involved.

      A little bit longer and we’ll start figuring out high school. Damn, hard to believe we are that old.

  5. Bridgetstraub.com says

    Things are moving frustratingly slow around here too. If one mre person says the check is in the mail but it doesn’t show up… Anyway, hope things improve soon. There’s nothing worse than when your kid is treated unfairly.

    • @Bridget I can live with my crap even when things look so very bleak. It is the watching my kid suffer that makes me truly insane, I know you get that.
      But life is cyclical so I figure if we are down now it means up is coming.

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