Have Fun Storming The Castle!

Sunday night rolls around and I turn on The Walking Dead and turn off my brain. It is time to watch people deal with the incomprehensible and the inconceivable.

It is a nice respite from my own crap and I need the time to decompress.

This episode is powerful and captivating. I like it because none of the characters are one dimensional and I am getting a chance to see them struggle to find an answer to a situation that is far more challenging than mine.

Midway through I start to wonder what I would do in similar circumstances and make a mental note to think about it.

A few hours later I lie on my back in a dark room and wonder how do you retain your humanity in a crazy situation and how far I would be willing to go to protect my family.

The zombies aren’t the real problem for the characters.

Sure they are dangerous and sometimes deadly but they aren’t nearly as bad as some of the humans on the show.

Zombie danger is easily identified but the human kind isn’t. You can’t look at them and know if they are friend or foe.

It Never Defined Who I Am

Glen Campbell is singing I’m Not Gonna Miss You and I am thinking how hard it must be to know that your mind is going.

There have been moments recently where it felt like I was drowning in stress and I had to be very active in quieting the voices in my head that suggested this will be the time the hero fails.

It is almost a gleeful cheer, a chorus of voices suggesting it would be easier to just lie down and let the waves wash over me because the fight is already lost.

Except that is not who I am.

Never been the guy who gave up because it is just not how I am built. Blame it on ego, blame it on naivete or whatever you want but I always figure I’ll be the guy who finds the cure or figures out the answer.

I grab a piece of paper and pen and start making a list of accomplishments and failures. It is an exercise in brutal honesty and some of the failures stick in my craw and make me choke but they are overwhelmed by success.

So I close my eyes and chase the demons to confront them. Failure has never defined me and I’ll own what I have wrought.

But this time around I am ready to acknowledge the fear that lies beneath the surface.

This time I am teetering on the precipice and I might fall off and tumble into the abyss.

What Is the Worst That Can Happen?

Dad suggested I ask myself what is the worst that can happen because then I can be prepared for it. I look at him and tell him I know what the answer is and shake my head.

“Sometimes life punches you in the mouth and knocks you down. It is your choice to get back up or lie paralyzed on the floor.”

It is said without recrimination or guilt and I know exactly what he means.

He and I have had different forms of this conversation for as long as I can remember.

*****

I am flipping through old posts looking for insight and or inspiration when I find The Best Part Of Making Resolutions Is Breaking Them.

It reminds me how effective the blog is at helping me remember the good and the bad.

The post is filled with both wisdom and narishkeit but it also reminds me that things were pretty tough for me when I wrote it and just weeks later everything turned around.

It makes me wonder if there are other posts that serve a similar purpose so I pull up Never Bet Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line and No One Wants Rotten Miracles.

There is a time when I would have read those words and cursed because you could argue that I had huge and wonderful and that I lost it.

But I don’t and won’t say that now.

No, I won’t because I can’t.

It is not because I can’t bear the thought but because I think I didn’t recognize how big huge and wonderful is and that it would require not just time but a set of sacrifices.

And because something else I wrote caught my eye

I am trying to do both now. I am trying to keep my eyes open and I am beating on the damn door with all I have got.

I am doing it because I am scared and because the only way I know how to beat fear is to confront it. I am doing it because I need my children to see that when life knocks you down you stand up again.

Have Fun Storming The Castle!

Remember the Man in Black was only mostly dead and thanks to some help from Miracle Max, Inigo and Fezzik he pulled off a miracle.

If they can do it, why can’t I.

• Saved: Life