There is a long history here, one that is deeper and more complex than meets the eye or so I used to think.
And then one day I sat down and listened to Ray sing his song and it hit me that it didn’t have to be as complicated as it seemed.
It only had to be as complicated as two people who said they loved each other would let it be.
But the thing was, or is that we let it become complicated. We took something that had a couple of wrinkles and maybe a small knot and let it grow harder and more difficult.
And then when you cut me free, told me it was done and over I tried hard to accept it. Tried hard to just let go and move on but something never let me walk away the way I wanted to.
Something made me hold back and then I discovered what it was.
We weren’t done.
For a long while I refused to believe it. Refused to accept that there was anything left but pain and anger, did my best to feed that fire because anger makes it easy to stay away.
But it didn’t work and thus it didn’t happen, walking away that is.
Instead I found myself sitting across from you, staring at you, trying to figure out how I could simultaneously be so angry and so attracted.
You refused to kiss me that night, but within a week we found each other’s lips and we remembered.
We remembered. We found each other again. We got each other back and swore that this time it would go the distance.
The Chance You Should Have Taken
That is how I looked at the very beginning, how I thought about those early days.
It is a massive and major regret of mine, that I didn’t do what my heart told me to do because I let fear guide me.
But I moved on past that because I can’t live out what might have been and I can’t go back in time to change it.
So I pushed back against the memories and did my best to move on, did my best to try to walk away.
Yet I ended up where I didn’t expect to be and that is how we ended up sitting across from each other.
That is how we ended up wrapped in each others arms promising that this time we would make it happen.
Heaven and earth moved, the angels applauded and then the devil got between us again.
Sometimes I look at the water between the lonely tree and I and think if I can figure out how to cross it I can get back to you.
Because if I get back to you, well you’ll push me away a time or two because it is the right thing to do and then you won’t.
You’ll kiss me and we’ll remember and we’ll go on from there.
We’ll find our way and figure it out because it is who we are. When our fingers are intertwined we know we are an unstoppable force.
It is only when they are separated that we forget and fading memories make it easy to pretend it was never as good or as real as we knew and know it to be.
My heart tells me it is not false hope or foolishness to believe or look forward to.
My brain says if it is meant to be then it shall be. It says you don’t have to work for love.
But my heart disagrees, my heart says sometimes you have to work for the opportunity and then you just water the garden love grows in.
Brain says to never listen to a broken heart because they cannot be trusted, but heart disagrees.
Maybe it is because I have loved you for as long as I can remember and even when I probably should have let go, probably should have given up I didn’t.
Remember the day I said I don’t love you, I fucking love you.
I do, because I remember the smile and how you said you do too.
And I remember you making me promise to never let go and how I agreed.
And so here we are apart.
Maybe forever, maybe not.
Heart and head, at odds again.
Editor’s Notes: Technically this ran on Medium first.
I published it the same day I wroteÂ You Should Slap The Devil & Sleep With His Wife. It is another version of a story I have been working on.
Since my Medium blog isn’t self hosted I figured I ought to run it here too so that I could make sure it is backed up and saved.