Dear Mr. Johnson,
Many years ago in a galaxy far, far away there was simple farmer named Luke. I am not talking about the Luke Duke who drove the General Lee, but the man who blew up the Death Star and defeated the emperor.
Those are pretty big accomplishments for a simple farmer. I can be that guy for you. All you have to do is hire me and I can be your Luke. That is a pretty good deal for you because that would make you Obi Wan-Kenobi. Of course I canâ€™t promise you that Iâ€™ll save you from Darth Vader or anyone going postal in the office.
In fact if someone freaks out I just might hide in a cubicle. But the good news is that I am a pretty good shot with rubber bands and paper clips. So if you keep me supplied I might be able to shoot someone in the eye. So in reality that is of benefit to you.
Letâ€™s take a moment to review some of the other reasons why it would be stupid not to hire me.
The class of 1986 voted me Most Likely to Drive an Ice Cream Truck. That is the kind of honor that not everyone receives. It is proof that they believed that I would be great at running my own franchise and that I am a conscientious worker. Not everyone can keep the ice cream from melting or do simple math. Give me a $1.50 for a Bomb Pop and Iâ€™ll give you proper change, unless of course you charge $1.65 in which case Iâ€™ll ask you for more money.
As a boy scout I always won the campfire contest. That is the one where you are tested to see who can start a fire the fastest. Not every carries a Bic Lighter and some hair spray around, but I do because you never know when you might need a fire.
I am really good at microwaving popcorn. Not everyone knows how to do it, but I do. I wonâ€™t make the office stink. Unless you take me out for Mexican food or feed me dairy. But heck, lactose intolerance is a certifiable medical condition. And since you are a professional you must know that we all deal with occasional bouts of flatulence. That is why I like to play the radio at my desk, so that no one has to listen to uncomfortable noises.
Unlike other employees I wonâ€™t lie about why I am missing work. Sometimes I just donâ€™t feel like coming in, we all need personal time. I am sure that you agree that this is the sort of honesty your company needs.
Which I suppose is why you really donâ€™t need to interview anyone else for the job. Really, you should just call me and tell me when I can come in to sign papers. Probably better to do it sooner so that my medical benefits kick in. That way I can be sure to bring you a real doctorâ€™s note when I am out sick.
Do you see how I just proved my honesty again. I wonâ€™t fake a doctorâ€™s note, Iâ€™ll get you a real one that you can show everyone so that when I am out on disability no one feels badly. Anyway, it sounds like we have worked most of this out. Call me and Iâ€™ll tell you what bank I use so that we can set up a direct deposit account.
Thank you for being so cool. I look forward to coming in. May the Force be with you.
Jack, the guy who canâ€™t wait to be your Luke.
Originally published here.