I was there and I saw what I wanted to see, not what was really happening.
Hope blinded me to reality and maybe even a double dash of ego too because I felt confident that we had turned a corner except we hadn’t.
Instead of slowing down to confirm and look around I sped up and went harder and faster figuring we could adjust on the fly but all I did was make the crash hurt more.
If a friend came to me and shared the full details of the same thing I am experiencing I’d tell them to be kinder and gentler with themselves than I am being with me.
But I am not ready to offer that sort of kindness or compassion to myself yet.
It might come in time, but I need to complete my own internal examination to see what happened and decide what comes next.
When Is International Punch-A-Clown-In-Da-Face Day?
Every day I walk through the woods and spend some time outdoors so that I can clear my mind and exercise my body.
Sometimes I hit the trail right after I have read or watched the news and seen the bit about the people dressed up as clowns that are wandering around the country.
They are making people nervous and I am not entirely sure what we ought to do about them besides be aware they are around.
My daughter walks to and from school.
She is smart, capable and independent.
If you see her on the soccer field you’d say she is tough too. She’ll run through you to get to the ball and isn’t afraid to mix it up when she needs to.
Some parents disagree with letting her walk and tell me it doesn’t matter that it is a safe neighborhoodÂ and that she goes in daylight.
I tell them they are entitled to their opinion and maintain I have to teach my children how to live in the world and not make them fear to live.
That doesn’t mean I don’t worry or that there aren’t moments where I wonder what kind of father I am.
Moments where I question it all and wonder what the hell I am doing and what the hell is going on.
Most days I don’t let these doubts slow me down or prevent me from doing what I need to do, but there are moments.
Days where I wonder when International Punch-A-Clown-In-Da-Face day is because I would feel better if I could take this negative energy out on some clown.
Maybe it is time for me to buy a new heavy bag. It is a great workout and there is a lot of stress relief that comes with throwing combinations.
Ride That Merry-Go-Round
I had one of those Godfather 3 moments the other day where I muttered something about how just when I thought I was out they suck me back in.
Had to do with the willful blindness I mentioned above and how I feel it is tied into parenting.
A moment where I wanted to scream with frustration because I have worked my ass off to make good things happen and seen the fruits of my labors come with a particular challenge.
A challenge that has made it exceptionally hard to celebrate the victory and feel good about having done something that is going to be so good for my kids.
Because life has a sense of humor and shoved me into a furnace and said, “here’s an ice cream cone. We know it is a zillion degrees so you better eat it quickly.”
I threw the cone back at life.
“I am lactose intolerant you jackass. If I am going to have to walk through the damn furnace I’ll do it, but I am not going to make it harder than it needs to be.”
Had to squint for just a moment, but I could see water on the other side.
The joy of riding that merry-go-round are the ups and downs that come with it.
Some days are good, some are bad and some are somewhere in between and they are all part of life.
I figure the bad helps make me appreciate the good more but acknowledge that sometimes it is something I say because it makes me feel better.
But I don’t have any problem with that because we all need to figure out what tools help us get through the darker moments.
I never regret or wish I wasn’t a father but dammit, sometimes it is really hard.