My desk is messy and my heart is ripped wide open but the world is still spinning and nothing is very much different at all.
Had a conversation a short while ago about the future and as the words left my lips I heard the echoes of the past reach into the present and extend into the future.
Closed my eyes and thought about what I had heard, what was said and considered what it might mean.
Concluded I haven’t got a clue what I am doing nor any sense or idea about how to do it and yet here I am, moving forward, making decisions and big changes based upon nothing more than a sense of ‘maybe this will work.’
Midway into the moment I turn off my brain and turn on some music.
69 Things I Don’t Know & One I Do
Standing in the center of my room I listen to Roy Orbison sing and think about how haunting his voice is/was.
I know all about Driving all night but I won’t speak of it today and maybe not ever again.
Doesn’t really matter if that is true or just a sick feeling that will pass in the night because there are other more pressing issues to wonder and or worry about.
Big questions that cannot be answered or explored with the sort of precision and confidence I prefer because some things can’t be seen in advance.
So I stand in the proverbial cold wondering if raging against the dying of the light is of any use or if I am going to be forced to inch my way along a narrow path that isn’t kind to slips and or stumbles.
Yet in one of the great contradictions of life my discomfort and concern is matched by this confidence that all is rolling out exactly as it should and I merely need to keep on walking.
I suppose some might complain about my not having posted a list of 69 things I don’t know but is that really why you are here?
Do you really want to read a list of 69 things I don’t know?
Can I distract you with some of my favorite music.
I’ll never forget the way I felt some 35 or so years ago when I first read the part of the book this music memorializes.
A mix of awe, heartbreak and hope combined with a fervent need to find out what came next.
I still can’t believe Prince is gone.
Never was his biggest fan but I was very much a fan for many reasons and he helped make more than one memory for me.
But what grabs me here is his talent and expertise combined with artistry and the wonder that comes with knowing someone had so much more to give.
Yet loss and change are a part of life and the question isn’t will they happen but what we will do when they come.
Choices & Decisions
I am a mix of nerves and confidence.
Got some big choices and decisions ahead of me and it is impossible not to wonder what impact they will have upon my children.
Everything I do is with them in mind and with a focus upon trying to be a better father and provide more but with the knowledge that we can’t see the future.
There are things I have done that didn’t turn out the way I hoped and they offer a mix of really good, good and awful.
I have reached a point and place where it makes no sense to complain about why or how I have found myself in this position.
We are here and we have to face this moment head on.
Fear and uncertainty are not proof that all will not work out or that things will go poorly.
They are merelyÂ proofÂ that the choices and decisions are significant.
I will do as I tell and teach my children. I’ll make the best decision I can based upon the limited information I have and then go from there.
Here goes nothing.