Seven years ago we sat in a car talking about things that didn’t matter and then I surprised myself and asked her if she still loved me.
“Yes, I still do.”
An electric shock ran through my body and bells went off inside my head. If I told you when we kissed for the first time in forever that I heard angels sing and recognized the celebration of a heavenly chorus you might accuse me of hyperbole.
We found each other for a while and then one of those made for movies moments forced us apart again and we went our separate ways.
And just when it seemed like life couldn’t get stranger, harder or more bizarre it did and the roulette wheel we all ride along spit me out back on Black 69 in the place I had once been.
Years passed without any engagement between us and then we sat in a car alone again and I wondered about whether I ought to ask her the same question again.
“Do you still love me?”
Silence Speaks Volumes
We stared at each other but neither of us broached the topic and for a moment I wondered if that meant something.
I came to the conclusion that it didn’t mean anything and thought about whether I still loved her or if I loved a ghost that had once been.
Hell, I tried to convince myself that was it and that I missed a moment in time and nothing more than that.
That didn’t last because things happened that convinced me otherwise.
We continually sought each other out and danced around topics and situations. Sometimes delving into them just a bit and sometimes avoiding them altogether.
It convinced me that love still lasts on both sides and fear and uncertainty helped to maintain a fence between us.
Sometimes it is painful because we feel more connected than ever and yet aren’t. Sometimes that pain feels like a good lesson to pay close attention to those we care most about.
The hardest and most honest thing to admit is the sense that it is not done and that it is time is coming even if there is no physical evidence to support it.
It feels like a soft breeze that washes over me with hints and whispers of real thunder and rainfall. The kind where you look up and know if you don’t take cover you are going to be soaked.
You can see the clouds move in the distance, but it is hard to gauge how fast they’ll arrive or if other atmospheric phenomena will affect them and maybe the storm will dissipate before it can build.
I don’t wonder if she loves me because I know the answer is yes, she absolutely does. If I unexpectedly dropped dead it would be devastating for her and she’d feel like she lost a limb.
So I don’t know what is going to happen or when but ask if I have expectations and I’ll nod my head.
Can’t give you science but I can tell you if watch me walk along the country highway pulling my cart behind me you’ll see something.
Some will say they see just a man pulling a cart and some will provide more details, determined, broken, sad, joyful, exuberant and or angry.
Could be that some see none, some see all or some see a combination.
That is cuz the man pulling the cart is a human being and none of us are just one thing, we are some of everything.