Employment

Part one of this post can be found here. For the sake of simplicity here is the last piece of correspondence I included in the prior post:

Dear Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes,

We are pleased to accept your position. In order to process your employment we need your banking information. Please send me to this at [email protected] or you will not be functional.

God bless your person,

Mr. Johnson Craig

“Sole Proprietor”

Craig Textiles…

So I spent a little time trying to determine what the most appropriate response to Mr. Johnson Craig would be. This last note reminded me a bit of my friend Lloyd Dobler who once said:

Lloyd Dobler: I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.

My inclination was to just cut and paste this as part of my response, but something compelled me to try and come up with my own reply. Here it is:

Dear Mr. Johnson Craig,

By your last email’s voice I see that you wish to process me for employment purposes. I understand that you need my banking information so I shall do my best to fulfill your request to explain my banking information.

I used to have a mason jar that I filled with spare change. For years I kept it beneath my bed, but not under my mattress because that made it too lumpy. I called it the Bank of Jack.

The Bank of Jack was one of my best inventions. Unfortunately my sister Jill found it. When I saw her with my bank I yelled at her. She took it and ran up a hill. I ran after her. I almost caught her at the top of the hill, but I tripped and fell down and Jill came tumbling after.

Sadly the Bank of Jack broke and I was forced to try something else. Since I could trust Jill I went to the city and opened up an account at a place called This Old Man. And wouldn’t you know it, with knick, knack, paddy whack, this old man earned interest on my money.

Does this answer your questions? Please let me know and I will be happy to provide more knowledge from my well.

Regards,

Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes

Apparently Mr. Johnson Craig was not pleased with my answer.

Dear Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes,

We have made a serious offer of trade and employment for our growth and benefit. I must know your account information so that we can access it to place your deserved rewards and earnings inside it.

If you do not respond within one day we shall reserve this offer of employment.

God Bless you,

Mr. Johnson Craig

“Sole Proprietor”

Craig Textiles…

Now I wouldn’t want my dear friend Mr. Johnson Craig to be disappointed in me so I sent him a response:

Dear Mr. Johnson Craig,
It is important to me that you know that I do not think that this is a joke. When I received your offer I made a video that shows my excitement over this position. Tell me specifically what your heart desires and I shall strive to help you achieve it.

Regards,

Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes

I am curious to see if he actually answers this last note. I was going to try to come up with something more clever, but I got bored. We shall see.

I received a pleasant surprise in my inbox. It was a job offer. Take a look:

Hurg & Craig International Limited.

Queens Road, Morley, Leeds, LS27 0PF

UNITED KINGDOM.

ID# 34869801

Attention.

We are into Textile materials for world trade as well as import/export of various commodities into America/Canada/Europe, as part of our ongoing expansion project, we are in search of competent and efficient proxies, who can help us establish a medium of getting to our customers in America, Canada and Europe with primary duties to include receipt of funds from our clients.

Sequel to your acceptance of this offer you will be entitling to 10% of every payment made through you to our company and 90% will be remitted to the company. You will stand in good stead, when the opportunity for securing a top management position arises, as we intend to put in place structures, in terms of human resources and physical facilities in your location depending on our rate of turnover.

YOUR TASK:

Your task is to only co-ordinate payments from customers and helps us with the payment process.

You will not be involved in any sales as our sales managers are in charge of that aspect for the company. This job takes only 3-7 hours per week. You’ll have a lot of free time doing your permanent job; you will also secure good income in the process. If you are interested please send us the following information.

{1}Full Names…………………….

{2}Sex…………………………..

{3}Marital Status…………………

{4}Age…………………………..

{5}Company If Any…………………

(6) Do you have a checking Acc—–

{6}Position………………………

{7}Full Contact Address……………

{8}Home/Cell No…………………..

{9}Fax No………………………..

Awaiting your reply to my inbox,: [email protected]

Mr. Johnson Craig

“Sole Proprietor”

Craig Textiles…

My Response:

Dear Mr. Johnson Craig,

This is to be stuck straight up your inbox. It was with great joy in my heart that I received your offer of employment in the tactile industry. I was especially pleased to read this line “who can help us establish a medium” because I am gifted with the special sight. It is a talent that I received through divine providence. Not only can I see those who have left and right, but my vision divines the potential and profit of people, past and present.

So I know with a heart full of soul that this is right for me. Last night I celebrated with incense and peppermints the beginning of this new venture.

{1} Full Names………………. Jack Ofalltraydes

{2} Sex………………………….. Frequently

{3} Marital Status………………… Black Belt

{4} Age………………………….. 45

{5} Company If Any………………… She just left.

(6) Do you have a checking Acc—– Yes.

{6} Position……………………… Vertical

{7} Full Contact Address…………… 1060 West Addison Chicago, IL 60613-

{8} Home/Cell No………………….. (976) 328-6333

{9} Fax No……………………….. Just the fax and nothing but the fax.

I look forward to hearing from you Johnson Craig. Please send me my business cards as soon as possible.

And then Johnson Craig responded to me:

Dear Mr. Jack Ofalltraydes,

We are pleased to accept your position. In order to process your employment we need your banking information. Please send me to this at [email protected] or you will not be functional.

God bless your person,

Mr. Johnson Craig

“Sole Proprietor”

Craig Textiles…

Something tells me that I need to come up with a special response for Mr. Johnson Craig

Friends, Readers, Lurkers and Bloggers, lend me your stories. I come to beg a boon of you. Please share with us the sad tale about the worst job you ever had.

The floor is now open.