Things About Jack

Moments like this remind me that I am not as special as I’d sometimes like to think I am. You see, this Saturday I am turning 40 and I am feeling a little strange about it.

I remember when my parents turned forty, or should I say I remember thinking that they were really old. As a kid it seemed that there were a million different shows in which the person turning 40 flipped out because they were suddenly middle aged.

And now here I am feeling out of sorts because of a silly birthday. I don’t feel particularly old. There are days when I look at my family and wonder how they got here. I can’t really be old enough for this to be married, have kids and a mortgage. Is this really me.

Fifteen years ago I was 25. I was single and had my own apartment. I remember lying on a raft in the pool and feeling like I had eternity ahead of me. I wasn’t crazy about my job. It barely paid enough to cover my expenses, but I had time. I knew that if I wanted to I could give notice and walk off into the sunset.

I didn’t have any responsibilities, at least nothing like today. There were no sleepless nights trying to figure out how to pay the bills. Back in those days sleepless nights were because I was out with the boys or the girlfriend was staying over.

If you are curious, I did appreciate it. I knew that wouldn’t last forever, but I never quite understood how radically it would all change. It wasn’t just because I was naive about some things. Some of it was because there are some things you can’t really understand/appreciate until you experience them.

And now I look around me and stare out at the future and my vision is a bit clouded. Instead of looking back 15 years I am looking forward 15 and I see a 55 year-old man. That is pretty wild to me. Fifteen years from now the kids will be my kids, but they’ll big.

Fifteen years from now the dark haired beauty is going to be 20 and her brother will be 24. Oy.

Well I am not going to waste a lot of time worrying about that. I learned a long time ago that it is hard to predict what things will be like in five years, so it is virtually pointless to stress out about that.

But I’d be lying if I said that I don’t feel the pressure of time. I don’t have the same ability to just reinvent myself as I did in the past. That is not necessarily a bad thing, it just feels a bit strange.

I suppose that you could compare this to the first few moments of stepping into the ocean on a really hot day. It takes time to become accustomed to the water. Although, I usually try to just dunk myself and get it over with.

So here I sit in front of the computer, the boy that I used to be still looks out from my eyes. He may not always be there, but I see glimpses of him. Maybe it is the boy that is nervous about this or maybe it is the man.

But overall I can say that I am not completely flipped out. I have two grandparent, pooey, pooey. They are both 95. That has to mean that I won’t be middle aged for a while now.

Woohoo!

A while back I was driving along Mulholland when I saw a deer walking along the side of the road. It is not the first deer that I have seen there and I don’t think it will be the last, but it made me pull over to the side of the road.

It wasn’t too far away from a place that once upon a time served as a rendezvous for a high school girlfriend. It was a place where you could park your car and enjoy the view. It was daytime and the sky was bright blue and for just a moment it was just me and the deer.

On the side of the road I stopped and watched as that deer just ambled along, oblivious or at least unconcerned by my presence it paid no attention to me. Off to the right there was a great view of the Valley. Uncluttered by clouds I could see the mountains in the distance and so for a moment I stopped and stared.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about turning forty. It sounds awfully old to me. But when I think about myself I don’t feel old enough to be forty. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I am surprised to see the face that is looking back at me.

At the moment I have a very thick and unruly beard. I haven’t trimmed or shaped it in quite some time. The beard makes a good prop/disguise. If I wear a black suit and a Borsalino I look like a million other guys walking to shul. But in a pair of torn jeans, a dirty t-shirt and dirty hands I look like someone entirely different.

Sitting in the car I thought about those days in high school when we’d park the car. Sometimes I’d stare out the window and say nothing. She’d ask me what I was thinking about and I’d flash a smile and remain silent. Come to think of it, twenty years later that really hasn’t changed. I usually share my thoughts on my terms and no one else. Makes for interesting times, not why I do it, just who I am.

The deer stops to sniff or nibble on a leaf and I think about that kid who would sit in the car. The future seemed endless to him. He couldn’t envision a time where life would be as complicated as it is today. The beauty of innocence about some things has been lost, Pandora’s box torn wide open.

Inside the car I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun shining through the windows. I thought about driving to the beach. The thought of warm sand beneath my feet and the sound of the surf pounding the shore was intriguing.

Been a long time since I have been sailing. Been a long time since I have been out on the ocean. Thought quite a bit about it. It was quite pleasant.

I looked up and the deer was moving and I started thinking about where it lived. Had to be somewhere in the hills. Somewhere in the middle of civilization the deer and all sorts of other wildlife were just living their lives. I thought that was kind of cool.

It has been clear to me for a while that I have been stuck in a bit of a rut. I know more or less what I want, but I have been chasing my tail and not my tale. About time that I mix things up a bit. I am really good at slamming into the wall time and time again, but it doesn’t always bring about the result you seek.

So I decided that forty is a good time for a new beginning. Still young enough to write a million new chapters in my book. Still young enough to seek out new adventures and to overcome the challenges that I currently face.

I know, it sounds a bit ridiculous and over the top. But I think in graphic terms. So I am doing the best that I can to take control of those things that I can and to let go of that I which I cannot. Change really doesn’t have to be bad, it can be great. Sometimes you say goodbye so that you can say hello again.

A series of honks made me realize that I had closed my eyes again. When I looked up the deer was gone. I couldn’t begin to tell you quite where he/she had gotten to, just that the place that it had occupied was now empty.

So I started the car, signaled and pulled back onto the road. I felt a little tingle go down my body. Life was beginning again. For the first time in a while I felt that future that I used to remember. For the first time in a long time I could see opportunity.

Who knows if that was a fleeting moment or the real thing. I don’t really care. I just appreciated the moment.