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There is a teenage boy who went to sleep feeling frustrated and guilty because he is nervous about going to school tomorrow.

I told him that he did the right thing and that the appropriate response to what happened with this other child isn’t something he should worry about but I know it didn’t ease the unrest inside his head.

He says he wants to be more like me because I am good at not worrying about life the way he is and I laugh.

Before he asks me if I am laughing at him I put a hand on his shoulder and tell him I am laughing because I used to be him and in many ways I still am.

I haven’t ever tried to describe parenting to him as a crazy Japanese game show because he wouldn’t get it and I wouldn’t expect him to.

Doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to give him some insight into this gig because I have but it is the kind of crazy you never understand until you are in the midst of it and even then you don’t always recognize just how nutty it sounds.

Sometimes Dad Doesn’t Know What To Do

I didn’t tell him about all of the times I wasn’t sure what to do and just did my best to make a smart choice because uncertainty here would make him more nervous.

Didn’t tell him how his problem feels simple to me because I feel like I am watching a tsunami form in front of me and I haven’t figured out yet whether I am going to get to high ground before it hits or if I am going to try to ride that sucker out.

It is a funny feeling to look at the mass of water and wonder what kind of pounding I’ll take if I fall off of the board this time while thinking that if I do I am going to have one hell of a story to tell.

Sometimes when I am not certain about how I want to proceed I pretend that I am outsider looking in at someone else and I try to figure out what sort of advice I would offer.

This time all I heard was some guy giggling, “he’s just another dad blogger trying to generate more page views.”

Stood up, walked over the medicie cabinet and told that reflection in the mirror to admit he is nervous because he hasn’t a clue what to say because he is ‘winging it.’

It Went The Way It Had To

A few weeks ago I watched an episode of The Walking Dead and listened to one of the characters talk about an event on the show.

That line keeps bouncing around inside my head, pin balling back and forth.

I hear it and I think about my expectations for the future and how I am working to make them materialize.

It is me working hard to take charge of life and to control my destiny. It is me working my ass off to make things happen yet so much is outside of my control.

All I have to do is look back upon my life and there are 1,983,983 examples of how my plans didn’t always work out and how I did my best to manage things.

Sometimes it worked out beautifully and I couldn’t be happier with the outcome and sometimes it wasn’t quite as nice.

And let’s be honest, some of those moments were awful, moments that I would prefer not to relive or experience again.

I haven’t forgotten the times where my best effort didn’t work out the way I thought it should or how I felt when it felt like best effort translated as failure.

Back then I would have looked at Lennon’s quote and told him he needed a double dose of STFU and a size 12 boot to the ass because that sort of song lyric is wasted prose.

But today I am not who I once was and not yet the man I think I am on my way to becoming. Now I look at those words and figure it does not matter whether I am meant to be in this place or not because I am.

I am here and all I can do is try my best to make it all work.

Can I Skip School Tomorrow?

Right after I read the email from the school to my son he asked me if I thought he could skip going to class.

His rationale wasn’t completely off base because he figured that if this other kid might react poorly and that it wouldn’t hurt to give him some time.

But I told him no because sometimes the only way to get to the other side of a situation is by going through.

He nodded his head and we shared a few more thoughts and then I told him that sometimes the hardest part about being a father is you don’t always get to be the hero any more.

When he asked me what I meant I pulled out my Geek Card and told him that in Star Wars parlance it meant I am Darth Vader and that if we were talking about the Lord of The Rings it meant I am Gandalf.

I won’t bore you with the discussion about whether I could be Yoda or if Gandalf is better and just share this quote below.

When he said he thought it was a cool quote I smiled and said I agreed and then I told him I have had plenty of moments where I wished I didn’t have to deal with certain things but that life doesn’t ask us if we want to or not.

It just puts a situation in front of us and gives us a chance to handle it or run away and we don’t run.

What is the appropriate response to learning another child wishes yours was dead.

That is not the sort of comment or question I ever thought I would be asked to contemplate.

Had you asked the Jack who had a pregnant wife but had not yet become a father to list what frightened him he might have said he was worried about his child getting hurt in a household accident.

He might have said he was concerned about them falling out of a tree or getting hit by a car but he wouldn’t have said he worried about school shootings or kids saying they wished his child was dead.

I suppose if you pushed him to empty out all of his fears he might have said he wondered if his children would ever deal with antisemitism and wondered how he would handle it.

But I can’t remember a single moment where I imagined a day would come when my son would come home and tell me another kid had told the other children at school he wished my son would drop dead.

Fact is when my son told me it made him nervous and uncomfortable I told him I thought the other kid was just exaggerating and said he shouldn’t worry about it.

*****

The two of them have had a bit of a rocky relationship for a while now and for the most part I have tried to stay out of it.

I have made it clear that he can always talk to me. Made it clear I would listen and share thoughts/ideas but said I would only get involved if it looked like he couldn’t manage things.

It wasn’t because I don’t care or wasn’t bothered by it because I was and I am but I figure it is a good life lesson. It is important to learn how to deal with difficult people.

Not to mention that in my day the worst thing you could do was involve your parents in something like this. That would have invited more trouble and it is precisely why I didn’t tell my parents about disagreements with other kids.

That didn’t stop them from finding out. You can blame that to a black eye, some bruises and a little sister who had no problem telling my folks when I had another fight.

Yeah, there was more than a couple of those and if life was still as it was then I might have told my son to punch this kid in the throat.

But today you get expelled for fighting and I would prefer that he not do it if he can avoid it.

Anyhoo, reminiscing about what once was won’t help solve the challenges of today so I am forced to ask the question.

What’s The Appropriate Response?

I am not the type of person who freaks out at potential boogie men or jumps every time says boo. I don’t put on a sweater because you are cold and I don’t believe most people really mean for someone to die when they say they wish Timmy were dead.

Yet this is my son we are talking about, my child, and a father’s responsibility includes protecting his family.

It felt wrong to panic and wrong to not do anything about it but the question I asked myself was what was an appropriate response.

Part of me wanted to go visit this kid and have the sort of conversation with him that would ensure he understood it would be safer not to speak with my son again.

But the courts frown upon forty-something-year-old men having those types of conversations with teenage boys and I still wasn’t certain it was necessary.

So I took a short walk and intentionally thought about other things. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to clear my head for a few and see if that didn’t provide some clarity.

That is an excerpt from one of my favorite scenes in Animal House. Sometimes when I am feeling a bit stressed out I pull it up in my head to lighten the mood.

Most of the time it helps take the edge off and that is always useful for making decisions.

I needed it tonight because in spite of my insouciant appearance I took this seriously and wanted to make the best decision I could based upon what I know.

What I Did

I wrote the school a short but detailed letter outlining the past problems with this boy and mentioned he has said he would like my son to drop dead.

Part of me was hesitant to do so because I am not convinced he truly meant what he said yet I felt it was better to err on the side of caution.

Better to make them aware of what this boy has said.

Better to document this and put them on notice so that if this escalates at all I can point out that we notified them about the problem.

Chances are it is nothing but talk but better safe than sorry.

This parenting business isn’t for the faint of heart.