Every day I wake up and I ask myself if today is the day I am going to win the lottery, cure cancer and hit the game winning shot in game seven of the NBA championship series. I close my eyes and hear Chick Hearn calling the play:
Magic dribble drives left, passes the ball to Steiner at the top of the key. Steiner elevates over bird and sinks it! The game is over! The Lakers beat the Celtics! I hear the crowd going wild and then I open my eyes and discover that I am in my pajamas. I didn’t hit that shot and Magic doesn’t know my name.
That is one dream that isn’t going to happen and not because Chick Hearn is dead. But that is not the point because what I am focused on is making it happen, it being my other dreams and I have many.
Making It Happen
My friend Steve Rice sent me a link to a Danielle LaPorte video about making it happen that really resonated with me. That first video led me to a second video about building a book proposal. If you know me in real life you know that I am a semi skeptic about signs and messages from the universe.
I want to believe but part of me holds back because it is easy to see what we want to see. Yet I have to acknowledge that one of the big goals in my life is to publish not just a book, but many books.
I am a storyteller. There is a great story over here that I am going to publish. I am going to make it happen because it has to happen. Why? Because at a few weeks short of 43 I am certain that writing is what I should be doing with my life. Because I have spent decades doing many things that helped me recognize that there is a giant gaping hole in my heart that can’t be filled by any one person.
It can only be filled by me and only by satisfying my need to create. I am a writer. I am a storyteller. Spend time with me and you will see that I am a powerhouse of energy. I kid around about being crazy and I make my share of self deprecating jokes, but I love myself enough to acknowledge I haven’t treated my heart the way that I should.
There has been a lack of consistent commitment on my part that I cannot allow to continue. And that is changing…now.
Actually that has been changing for quite some time but this is the time when I have made the public declaration. This is the time where I say that my children need to see that their father goes the distance for what is important to him.
This is the time where I say that I have spent the last chunk of time, however long it has been struggling to keep everything going. It has been one series of battles after another. There have been more than a few minutes where I wanted to scream because it felt like the easy things were three times as hard as they should be.
Moments where I put on my gloves and beat the hell out of my heavy bag and wondered how someone had shoved a bit into my mouth and hitched me to a plow. And believe me, I plowed the hell out of those fucking fields and every moment I did was with an eye searching for a way to break the shackles so that I could run free.
I said that I found my life less than beautiful. I said that it was unsatisfying and I told the universe that I wasn’t interested in mixed messages. I said give it to me straight or give me a chance to fight. I told the universe I would go toe-to-toe and that I would give back twice as good as I got.
That is really where commitment comes into the mix. Commitment to continue to work on making the changes that have to occur to correct the course. Commitment to try a different path and open my eyes/heart.
Understanding, Gratitude & Appreciation
I love that picture of Bird and Magic- nothing but good memories there. Not to mention stories, oh do I have stories. Understanding myself, my needs, desires and what I want is one of the gifts that blogging has given to me.
I know more about Jack than I ever did. I know what I want and what I need.
There is more gratitude and appreciation floating around inside the big melon on top of my neck than I can tell you. It is funny to me. Funny because I know that this sounds contradictory to what I have written.
But you need to understand that even though I have oodles of frustration and a bucket of anger it doesn’t mean that I am an unhappy person. If anything I am an impatient happy person.
Impatient because I started working on making changes quite some time ago and they aren’t happening fast enough. Frustrated because some of the crap that I have been contending with is outside of my control and has nothing to do with me.
But happy because I am working on the things that make me happy. Happy because there is an awful lot of good in my life and because I am really freaking young. I have decades to enjoy the life I am building now.
Doesn’t mean that I don’t have dark moments or that I won’t get frustrated because that won’t change. It just means that I am an ordinary Joe who is doing his best to enjoy the journey.
What about you?