Dear grammar snobs,
I intentionally left off the punctuation at the end of the headline. Some might say that I did it just to aggravate you but that isn’t true. I only like aggravating people who are hard to aggravate.
Ok, maybe that is not true. Maybe I do like aggravating anyone and everyone. My mother says that I shouldn’t do it because people don’t find it charming, but I am 43 years-old which means I don’t have to be charming.
If I was rich I would be eccentric, but I am not. Well, I am rich in many things but not cash wise. These days old Jack is a poor man but that isn’t going to last because I intend to recoup my lost millions. Madoff be damned, I am going to be back on top one day but not because I am materialistic, or should I say overly.
Because the fact is that I like and want certain things that money can provide. For example I very much want a private jet. That is because I like to travel but don’t like flying very much. My shoulder hangs off the side of the seat and I have a dysfunctional digestive system that sometimes requires quick access to the lavatory.
But I don’t always have the access I want because I am too busy doing the bathroom dance in the aisle behind the beverage cart. And inevitably when I get inside I discover where Saddam hid his biological weapons. Man oh man, some of you do things insider there that make me wonder how you can still be standing. Really, when you carry that sort of poison inside your body I have to ask myself how it is that you aren’t dead.
Alternatively I want to know why our armed forces haven’t drafted your ass because you could end the wars. Hell, with that kind of power you could bring about world peace. Believe me, the warlords in Somalia will surrender before being assaulted your by your ass.
Yes grammar people, I hear your cries. You want to know why I didn’t point out that I was referring to a person’s ass and not a person in their entirety. Maybe it is because I wanted to circle back to our headline and write the following:
- Can You Write a Funny Post.
- Can You Write a Funny Post?
- Can You Write a Funny Post!
If you asked nicely I could write three separate posts based upon those three punctuation marks. At least I could if my juvenile sense of humor wasn’t stuck in the land of scatological humor.
Let me tell you, I have a few stories that will probably make you laugh. I say probably because some of you will be upset by my talking about them in detail, but some of you won’t. Some of you will smile broadly when I talk about these moments.
You’ll nod your head when I say that if you are the sole person in a stall and people walk cover their mouths and cough when they come in you have two choices. You can be embarrassed or proud. You can enjoy your moment and treat them to something that sounds a bit like the horn section of a junior high marching band. It is loud and a bit off key but there is no denying its presence.
Some years ago someone wrote in and asked me if I could still be funny if I used classy humor. In my initial response I thanked them for their feedback and said that I appreciate their recognition that I am a funny dad blogger. Don’t know if I am the funniest dad blogger. Can’t say that I am the best dad blogger but I can tell you that I haven’t a clue whether Google Panda or Penguin will penalize me for keyword stuffing.
What is up with the animal names starting with ‘P’ anyway. Why not use platypus. That poor animal got screwed by God or evolution. It is like the big man said “sorry dude, we are out of parts so you get all the left overs.”
So much for being omnipotent, but I digress.
Anyway, the reader who told me that I was funny but wanted to know about classy humor was better than the one who hurt my fragile male ego by saying I am not funny or clever.
But they didn’t communicate effectively because I don’t know what the hell classy humor is. Am I supposed to be snotty and work in jokes about Shelley, Donne, Camus and Nietzche. Or does that refer to my time in school in which I was the scourge of some classrooms where teachers loved and hated me for making people laugh.
And now we are back at the beginning of this post where I am still trying to decide which punctuation mark will receive the honor of being attached to our headline of Can You Write A Funny Post
P.S. Grammar folks, I didn’t punctuate that last line because it is supposed to be funny in a classy sort of way, with classy meaning educational.