Confessions Of The Heart Breaker/Heart Broken

You should be reading an updated version of The Phone Sex Surprise and not some semi-serious commentary about how you never know real fear until you become a parent.

It should be something light and silly because the time has come for April fools to share their silly side with those who wish to laugh and frolic with other fools.

Except, the silly side of me has chosen to go on a walkabout and he hasn’t told me when I can expect him to return.

Granted I could yank on the chain that links the two of us and drag the jester back to where he belongs but it is after midnight and I am…tired.

It is not a physical fatigue, but a mental malaise that is slowing me down.

I feel a bit like one of those bowling pins you see at the far end of the lane, except when I get knocked down there is no machine to pick me up.

There is only me.

Me, the guy who is too damn stubborn to stay down and has too big an ego to believe that he can’t somehow figure out a way to save the day and overcome the odds.

Me, the Taurus who knows from experience that sometimes heroes fail and that sometimes they don’t.

Sometimes, they find a way.

Confessions Of The Heart Breaker/Heart Broken

If you haven’t been around and want more insight into what is going on you can try reading one or all of the posts below:

• The Myth Of Controlled Chaos
• About Your Aging Parents
• Teenagers Are Harder Than Toddlers
• What Kind Of Writer Could You Be?
• Sometimes You Fight The Devil…Inside

But you don’t have to, you can accept my word that Steiner the minor is in the midst of a teenage moment that is tearing me up inside.

Why?

It is a combination of watching him make his way through uncharted waters knowing I can’t do a damn thing except tell him he has my support and I believe in him.

It is knowing that sometimes he is too damn smart and part of the hiccup here comes from his overthinking this moment.

Paralysis of analysis is wreaking havoc here, or so it feels to me and while I have no doubt he’ll make his way through this it is just hard.

Not just because I know I can’t do it for him but because part of me wonders if some of the choices I made are responsible for creating this situation.

Crowns & Root Canals

Disturbed is playing their cover of The Sounds Of Silence and I am thinking about the two root canals and multiple crowns my dentist says I need.

I am thinking about whether I could have done more to prevent this and shrugging my shoulders because genetics say there is a damn good chance I would be in this position no matter what I did to try and prevent it.

Part of me doesn’t care because money comes and money goes. I am good at spending it, but I am better at making it.

And I am thinking about the windy mountain road I have been walking up and how I know I am getting closer to the summit.

I am thinking the best tool I have for helping Steiner the minor make his way through this moment is to show him how to keep moving forward when the crap flinging monkeys attack.

I am thinking I can show him that sometimes our closest friends choose to walk a separate path without us and we can’t wait to see if they will come back to the place we parted.

We have to keep moving forward and figure if our paths intersect we may journey together again or we might have to just smile and file the memories away.

Moving With Music

More music flows into my ears, Dr. John’s Right Place Wrong Time pushes past Three Dog Night’s Old Fashioned Love Song and I think about what I want to write about.

The muse is feeling capricious and it takes a walk through Shambala before I think about the words and questions in What Kind of Writer Could You Be?

If there is such a thing as destiny or the right path I can smile because my gut tells me I am doing what needs to be done.

It says to keep pushing forward and to remember Stephen King’s words about the need for good writers to remember every scar.

That is a skill I don’t need to practice because I…remember.

I remember the girl who apologized for breaking me and how I corrected her, “you broke my heart, you didn’t break me.”

I remember falling in love and realizing it was deeper and more powerful than any of the other times I had ever fallen in love.

And I remember wondering if this time it was so deep that if things went south this time I might be…broken.

But old Jack Steiner is a storm walker and a fire dancer who has made his way through multiple storms and figured out how to become a phoenix.

“And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains within the sound of silence”
The Sound of Silence- Simon & Garfunkel

I sat Steiner the minor down and shared those words with him. He asked me what I wanted him to take from that and I told him that when times are tough you need to find your happy place and focus on it.

I said think about where it is you hope to go and visualize yourself getting there, picture success and then keep moving.

He nodded his head and said thank you.

“I can’t do this for you but you can lean on me and know that when you are tired I’ll figure out a way to carry you.”

He told me that would be kind of weird and I laughed.

“Yeah, but that is what father’s do.”

As he walked away I noticed a familiar gleam in his eye and watched him stand a little taller.

I think we are going to be ok.

• Saved: Children, Life