It is fitting that White Rabbit is playing now and that Grace Slick is filling my ears because the rhythm of her words is helping my monkey mind focus on what is real.
I am smack dab in the middle of the spiral staircase on the game called fear and there is a significant battle being fought inside my head.
Rational thought and fear are grappling with each other, muscles straining they’re both determined to gain control of the situation.
It frustrates me to circle back and have to fight wars I have won again and I can’t help but wonder why I lost the ground that I had gained.
If the kids asked me to explain it to them I’d tell them the fear I am feeling is normal and that I recognize it is not based upon anything rational.
I’d tell them this is how life goes sometimes and say the best way I know how to deal with it is head on.
You have to power through it.
If the kids pushed me to say more I’d tell them about the chirping and hissing noises inside my head and say the soft whispers that say “I can’t” will lose to the clanging of the “I can.”
I’d tell them that there are a handful of things in life that truly frighten me and most of them are things I don’t give energy to because I refuse to give power to things/people that don’t need it.
And then I’d tell them sometimes there are moments like now where the battle for control rages like a wildfire and I have to really focus.
They already know the easiest way to determine if dad is nervous is to see how many times I visit the bathroom.
But they don’t know how important it is to me to show them I won’t be stopped, slowed down but not stopped.
That is not bravado, it is fact and the only person I need to prove it to is me.
Because there is no stricter master or bigger critic of me than me.
A Game Called Fear
I suppose the reason I describe fear as a game is because it takes some of the edge off it and makes it easier for me to put it all in perspective.
That is critical, perspective that is.
It is one of the tools I use to create a measured response and to think before I act.
That is not something the old monkey mind likes very much because he wants to take action immediately.
He does better when occupied and doesn’t like anticipation very much and that is why I feeling a bit crazed today.
Got a big meeting tomorrow and if it goes well it will mean some very big changes are coming. Good changes, things that will have a positive impact upon my family.
It is all stuff I have been pushing for and I am in a position now where I can almost reach that brass ring, or at least I think it is the brass ring.
There is a possibility I am wrong and that things won’t go as I hope.
But my gut says otherwise and I am following it, in spite of the significant discomfort because that is fear.
That is uncertainty.
Dammit, I hate waiting but sometimes that is what is required.
Take One More Step
A thousand years ago when Steiner the minor wasn’t in the middle of high school I’d watch him go cruising around the house.
That teenager of mine doesn’t remember how when he would let go of the wall or the table and cross an empty space I would tell him to take one more step.
I’d hold out my hand and say come get it.
The first few times he didn’t quite make it to me. He’d come close and realize he wasn’t holding onto anything and then fall on his butt.
“Get up and walk. You already took a million steps, trust yourself. You have already proven you can do it, come to dad.”
Eventually he realized he had taken those million steps and trusted himself enough to walk to me.
And then he began to run…everywhere.
That is how I am going to win this game, how I am going to beat it.
I am going to remember that I don’t need to to hold onto anything to keep moving forward.
One step at a time is all it takes.