Dear Man Down the Hall,
We don’t know each other by name, but we do know each other. You work in an office on the same floor as I do, we share the office building and frequently pass each other in the halls. You are always warm and friendly, quick to share a smile and I appreciate that. I reall do.
But we also share something else, a bathroom. It is a standard men’s room complete with multiple urinals and stalls. I am not concerned about your hygiene and upkeep of the bathroom. You do not seem to be overly messy. You wash your hands and appear well-kempt.
The problem is that you are eating something very foul because whatever you expel is horrific. It is a nightmare to venture in their after you have been conducting your business. I have considered throwing rotting flesh into the middle of the room because surely it would improve the smell.
You have become legendary among people here in the building, as well as family and friends. I often write of my dysfunctional digestive system. I can clear a room, but you can clear a building. I am humbled in your presence.
If you had been found in Baghdad Michael Moore would not have been able to make a movie as it would have been clear that WMDs had been found.
Kind sir on behalf of all that is good and holy in the world. On behalf of hundreds of people on the the sixth floor and bloodhounds everywhere I implore you to get a decent colonic and then refrain from eating whatever is creating this stench.
If you cannot abide by these requests we have corks, needle and thread, pallets of immodium and other tools to combat this problem. There is no need for this to get any uglier, please help us.
Sorry to have raised a stink about this, but my olfactory system was about to go on strike.
Sincerely,
-Jack
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