Couples are told by people far wiser than they are to try and fight fair. Don’t bring up things from the past, deal with the real issues, be nice and never go to bed angry.
Those are smart and sound principles to base a relationship upon, but the sad truth is that they are also some of the most difficult things to do. Relationships are built upon many things and one of the areas of bedrock that form the foundation is the history that the couple share.
There are the good times, the bad times and the in-between times that occupy this space. And inevitably bits and pieces of the history creep into conversations between them. Sometimes this can be a good thing and sometimes this can be bad.
I just finished speaking with my friend Tammy about her relationship with her husband Jack. Yes, we share the same name. I like to think that it is because Tammy secretly wishes that she had me, heee heee.
Tammy and Jack are one of those couples that make everyone else groan, they are madly in love and in lust with each other. They never lost that spark between them and the worst kept secret in the world is what happens when they tell us that they need just a moment before they are ready to go out to dinner, or the numerous times they disappear at parties.
Actually it was at a party that I learned more about them than I ever wanted to know. I walked into the bathroom to find that Tammy was sitting on the toilet, which would have normally been a little embarrassing in it’s own right, except that Jack was standing in front of Tammy. I won’t provide any more illustration of this picture other than to say that somehow Tammy and I made eye contact. It was a bit like a train wreck, I wanted to look away, but for a moment I couldn’t.
We all managed to get over the awkward moment and since then we have become very tight.
Anyway, Tammy and Jack got into it this morning over a bunch of things, shtuyot, stupid things if you ask me. I suppose that since Tammy did call me, I was asked for my opinion, so Tamaleh, my answer is that you got worked up over nonsense.
But some of that nonsense is predicated upon their past history. The question I posed for Tammy was, what are you willing to put up with? Can you deal with a little adversity? The problem she has is twofold.
A) Sometimes when Jack becomes upset he refuses to speak about it right then and there. This makes Tammy crazy.
B) She is so crazy about him that when they disagree she get’s stuck in a rut thinking about it. They really don’t fight all that often.
My advice to her was to take a deep breath and to get some perspective. She forgets that sometimes it takes men a little time to process our thoughts and then respond. And she tells me that he always does respond, just not as timely as she would like
In the end from my perspective they have the relationship that most people want. They are crazy about each other, so much so that sometimes it is irritating to go out with them. Not because of the unbridled passion, but because they sometimes just stare at each other and forget that anyone else is around.
So Tammy, if you do read this my prescription is simple, take a deep breath, give him a hug and let nature take its course. All will be well.