The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for June 2005

Daddy, He is Beating Up Goofy

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Way back in the annals of time, when Jack was a young man, a strapping young man I might add he had an incident at Disneyland.

I was all of 20 when that fateful day came. My fraternity had held its formal at the Disneyland hotel. It was a night of many memories, or should I say few memories. Yes, we were drinking. We drank so much the fish fled from our presence for fear that their habitat might be destroyed.

It was a bad combination of young, dumb and stupid, not to mention way too much alcohol, but that was Saturday night and this tale is about a single event that took place the next day, Sunday afternoon.

We were tooling around Disneyland, frequently hanging our heads because the happiest place on earth is not that much fun when you are hung over. Then it becomes, loud chaotic, and somewhat unpleasant.

The boys and I were in Tomorrowland waiting for our dates to exit the bathroom. I don’t remember what we were talking about, it could have been the mystery of why women need partners to pee, but again it is so long ago who knows.

Someone thought that it would be a good idea to go on Space Mountain, but the way my head was pounding I was not that person. So begged off and told everyone that I would meet them after they had finished the ride.

As I was walking through the park I bumped into one of the characters, it was Tweedle-Dee or maybe it was Tweedle-Dum, who can tell. All I know is that he pushed me.

He pushed me and I tried to say excuse me and step by him. I figured that it was all in jest, but apparently I was wrong. As I tried to step around him he blocked my way and pushed me again. It wasn’t very hard, but enough to get my attention.

I told him that I wasn’t kidding. It was hot, I was hungover and I was not in the mood to play, but he persisted in trying to block my way.

Finally I lost it, I grabbed the portly character and body slammed him onto the ground. I tried to get up and run but he grabbed a hold of my leg at which point in time I started smacking his hollow head with my open palm.

He still wouldn’t let go. So I flung myself on top of him and made like Hulk Hogan coming off of the ropes. I remember yelling at him, telling him to release me.

While all this was going on I can remember hearing a little kid yelling and pointing at us, “Dad, dad. He is beating up Goofy!”

I looked at the kid and growled something at him. In the meantime I was able to free myself from the corpulent character’s grasp and made a hasty retreat back to the hotel. I had images of being arrested, but fortunately it never happened.

It was a number of years before I returned to Disneyland because somewhere out there, he waits for me. I know it. Somewhere out there in the distance I have a date with destiny.

Tweedle-Dee and I will dance again, but this time there can be only one.

I Yelled At G-d

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I yelled at G-d. I did. I yelled at him/he/she/her/it whatever. I screamed at G-d and beat the ground. I am not proud of it, but not quite ashamed either. It is not something that I keep to myself, but it is not something that I totally share either because, well, I don’t know why.

I can’t say because it comes from a place deep inside. It is a spot that lies beneath a lot of other junk so it doesn’t see daylight all that often. Maybe it is because I don’t like looking there because there are so many questions and so few answers.

When I was 19 I was madly in love with a girl that I though was supposed to be mine forever. I didn’t think of it as besheret, I knew it as such.I knew it the way a 19 year-old knows that life is going to give him everything because that is just how it works. I knew it in the way that I knew my hand, intimate and secure.

And then she left me.

She decided that I was not for her. She told me that she woke up one day and realized that she didn’t love me any longer. I was devastated. I couldn’t get a grip on it. It just didn’t make sense to me.

At that point in time I worked part time at a local shul where I assisted in the Hebrew school and youth departments. Monday through Thursday you would find me there between the hours of 3-6. And somewhere around a quarter to five you would find me davening with the afternoon minyan.

Almost without fail I would ask Hashem to fix things for me. I’d beg for a chance to fix the relationship or for something to help me feel better. I just couldn’t believe that my life had been spun around so dramatically.

One day Howie Mandel started showing up. His father had passed away and he needed a place to say Kaddish. He doesn’t know it, but it was his presence that helped me to recognize that I had gone astray. His loss was far more profound than mine. I stopped asking for things for myself and I healed, but I didn’t forget the feeling of not having my prayers acknowledged. I didn’t forget what it felt like to be ignored, but I didn’t focus on it.

Some years later I received a telephone call from a friend. I was in Los Angeles and he was in Boston. He told me that he was being held against his will in a hospital and asked me to get him out of there. I was 25 and working full time, but he was like a brother to me and I promised that I would help him.

So I began by checking airline flights from LA to Boston and considering how I would get him out of the hospital. As part of my research I got in touch with his family and found out why he had been hospitalized. It turned out that he had a brain tumor and that he was hallucinating. He was being held there, but for good reason.

Fast forward a few years. The first tumor has been taken care of and so has a second one, but there is a third event.

I am 29 now. I am married and have a little bit more life experience beneath my belt and I know that this time is different. I know that this time his life is in serious jeopardy and I am far more aware of it than I was before.

I receive word that the doctors consider him to be terminal. His family is going to bring him home for the final journey. I watch him deteriorate in front of me, his family and friends. I watch his parents deal with a pain that I can see in their eyes, but cannot imagine. And years later with the birth of my son I cry as I realize what loss they suffered.

His death comes after a relatively short period of time, but it feels like so much has gone by.

During his illness I have resumed asking G-d to do something to help. I have returned to the place where each day I spend precious moments begging G-d to spare him. If you can split the Red Sea, if you can cause manna to fall from heaven this should be easy.

I see no response. I hear no answers and I am angry. I begin to really speak my mind. I castigate G-d for being cold and uncaring. I yell and use the harshest terms. For a moment I think that I am overstepping my bounds and then I realize that I believe that he knows all of my thoughts anyway, so why hide.

The day of the funeral my friends and bury him. We watch his family’s most intimate moment of grief are displayed and we give all that we can by making sure that he is interred in the earth by people who knew him, who loved him and cared, not by strangers.

The cemetery is located next to my home. For a brief time I appoint myself his official caretaker and I visit his grave daily. I apologize for not being able to get through to G-d and not having been able to do more. And in the quiet stillness I ask Hashem why I couldn’t get an answer to my questions. Why couldn’t I be given something, some sign or acknowledgment of my presence.I feel badly because I feel like I was ignored and I wonder what I could have done differently and if it is selfish of me to feel this way.

Fast forward again to April of 2004. My father is ill. He is on his deathbed that is what the doctors have told me. They do not expect him to survive. I stand next to his bed and watch as he lies there unconscious. I do not know anyone stronger than my father. Mentally, physically he is unparalleled. I am a grown man, a father of one with another on the way and I feel so weak.

It is only because of the love I feel for him, for my mother, my sisters and my children, for our family that I am able to stand there and appear to be so passive.

At his bedside I beseech G-d to do something. But unlike before I am instantly angry because I remember being ignored and this time I will not accept that. I will not play Job or act like this is some kind of blessing. This is my father and I will be answered. I will be heard.

And in the quiet moments 3000 miles from home I battle for his life. I argue, I beg, I scream, I debate and demand that he be spared. It is too soon and too early for him to be taken.

Against the odds my father survives and comes home. I thank G-d. I thank G-d for everything. I thank G-d for having had experiences that helped to prepare me for this experience. I thank G-d for everything and I forgive G-d for not having responded to me earlier.

To some people this may sound rather trite. It may seem ridiculous and a little too easy, too much like a Hollywood ending. But my reality is that the day my father returned home I stopped feeling so angry and I was content.

I am in a place where I am comfortable and happy with my faith. It doesn’t mean that there are not times in which I question things or am upset, just that for now I am good and I am thankful for that.

(Cross posted on The Jewish Connection)

My List of Things About Me

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I received a request to try and create list of things about myself. I don’t have any real direction so I am going to just throw it out there and we’ll see if it is remotely interesting.

  1. I have a problem with brevity, I am naturally long winded.
  2. Although I can be gregarious I can be exceptionally quiet.
  3. I can be the life of the party or the shyest guy in the room.
  4. I am a hopeless romantic.
  5. I love movies that have a character that has loved and lost- Casablanca and Unforgiven come to mind.
  6. I am exceptionally stubborn. I can maintain my position against the world, even at the expense of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I am working on that.
  7. I can bark like a dog. It sounds like a very large dog and I have used it on many occasions for many purposes.
  8. When I was 12 I called the police on the FBI.
  9. I was evacuated from a Forest Fire when I was 16 and have been through several major earthquakes.
  10. I used to be able to curl 150 pounds and benchpress more than 300. Now I find putting up 200 to be challenging.
  11. I am a Peace Corps baby. My parents met in Ecuador but I was born in Los Angeles.
  12. My first car was a 1969 Dodge Dart Swinger. That was followed by a 1977 Cheverolet Impala Station Wagon. Then I had a 1977 Camaro, it was Blue. That was followed by a 1990 Toyota Camry Station Wagon. That was followed by a 1996 Honda Accord and a 2000 Honda CRV.
  13. I took my Dart offroading, did donuts in the quad at my high school, drove through trash cans, shopping carts and endless other barriers that we would assemble.
  14. In high school I helped an underclassman sneak out by allowing him to hide in the trunk of the Dart. I didn’t want to do it but he begged me for a month and I finally gave in. I drove for about 3 miles before I let him out, but not before I hit every speed bump and dip I could find. When he got out of the car he was covered in a ton of muck, not to mention some oil I kept in the trunk.
  15. I went to Israel for the first time in 1985. Before I left I made sure to get a haircut because I had heard that the barbers there were terrible. While in the chair I kept encouraging my barber to cut my hair really short. By the time he was done my head was shaved. My mother was furious.
  16. One of the guys in my group started calling me Rambo. When we met the other kids on the trip they wanted to know why that was my nickname. It didn’t take long for us to make up all sorts of stupid stories about how I was in the army, or had saved a family at the airport from being robbed. None of them were true, but I thought that they were pretty cool. I was 16, what did I know.
  17. I am afraid of the dark and have been for as long as I can remember. I once tried to overcome my fear by walking alone at night through the woods for a couple of miles. It helped a little, but sometimes I still feel like that scared little boy.
  18. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. My biggest fear is that one day I won’t make it to the bathroom in time. I have used all sorts of places and have some pretty good stories about my bathroom escapades.
  19. One morning when I was having trouble I pulled into the parking lot of a diner. The men’s room was locked so I ran into the womens. Fortunately it was empty. While I was in the middle of my business two women walked in and spent a ridiculous amount of time primping and talking at the mirror. When they finally finished and left I ran out, washed my hands and ducked out of there. A policeman saw me walk out and stopped me. I didn’t know how to respond to his questions so I answered him in Hebrew. He finally decided that I must not have spoken English and let me go.
  20. I could eat pizza every day and never get tired of it.
  21. In college I tore the doors off of a pick up truck at my fraternity house. It was an old truck that had been sitting out in the rain for about 5 years. It didn’t work and no one wanted to take responsibility for getting rid of it. One day after having had my heart torn out by an ex-girlfriend I took out my frustration on the truck. It took me about an hour to kill the first door. I was surprised when the door came off and of course had to see if I could do the same to the other door. It only took 45 minutes to tear that one off.
  22. I love watching The Worlds Strongest Man Contests on ESPN. They are goofy, ridiculous, but oh so much fun.
  23. I loved Gladiator. One of my favorite movie lines is “Unleash Hell”
  24. Speaking of favorite quotes here are a few from Casablanca ” “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.” “Rick: How long was it we had, honey?Ilsa: I didn’t count the days.Rick: Well, I did. Every one of them. Mostly, I remember the last one, the wild finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain, with a comical look on his face, because his insides have been kicked out.”
  25. I was in the pilot episode of a game show called “The Grudge Match.” The show consisted of three rounds in which you fought an opponent. I was reluctantly matched up against a woman.The first round we had kind of a pillow fight. They gave us “pillow swords.” I let her smack me with it a few times and then took it out of her and started to popping her with her sword and mine. Continued
  26. The next round we were given big sticks that had pillows on the ends, they looked like giant cue tips. She kept trying to hit me in the crotch with her stick and I kept shaking my head at her. Eventually I swept her legs out from under her and that ended the round.The final round was boxing. They gave her regulation 16 ounce gloves to use. I was given oversized 32 ounce gloves. Continued again
  27. They were monstrous and if i held them up I couldn’t see her. I spent a large part of that round trying to avoid having to hit her, but she had no compunction about hitting me, especially below the belt. I finally got fed up with it and hit her back. I didn’t hit her hard, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t get a little satisfaction out watchin her hit the canvas. There is only so many times that you can let someone do something like that before you react.
  28. In my life I have considered working as a sports writer, rabbi, lawyer and teacher.
  29. I once took out a singles ad. I got 24 responses and went out with 17 of the women who responded to my ad. For a brief time I dated 3 of them. It was cool because since they all had found me through the ad they knew that there were other women and no one gave me any grief about the others. Eventually I narrowed it down to one and had a girlfriend for about 8 months or so.
  30. If I was single again I would not use an ad. It was a ton of fun, but it was an incredible amount of work to date that many people. Too hard to get to know anyone seriously when there are so many others, but it was fun while it lasted.
  31. In college I lost a “push-up” contest. The goal was to do more consecutive push-ups then the others in the competition. I did a little more than 700. The winner did close to 850.
  32. I love to read anything and everything. My profile lists a very small selection of the authors I enjoy.
  33. I love history, it fascinates me.
  34. I wore glasses or contacts for 20 years. I had the lasik surgery four years ago and never looked back. It is amazing.
  35. I wish that I had James Earl Jones voice. I like mine, but his is on a different level.
  36. I have worked as a writer, editor, teacher, youth director, cross country coach, P.E. coach, sold copiers, ad space (online and print), run a marketing department and sold lemonade.
  37. Many years ago I was told that a great way to relieve stress was to just go outside and scream. I have never done this outside, but I admit to having done so in my car. And I admit to being scared at the outpouring of emotion. I always feel a little more vulnerable afterwards. FWIW, I don’t think that I have done this more than three times and never while actually driving.
  38. I have been accused of being too intense. I have also been accused of not taking anything seriously. The answer lies in between.
  39. I have a body that was built for demolition, grace is not something that is used to describe me. I am not a klutz, I play many sports, some of them well, but I am just kind of big.
  40. I am a daydreamer. I love to spend time lost in thought about things, people, places and all sorts of stuff.
  41. I once believed that I would never be married and never be married. I have a bad case of wanderlust and I didn’t think that I could be in one place with one person for any length of time.
  42. When I was younger sometimes I would get in my car and just drive until something caught my eye.
  43. I am a storyteller. I am good at coming up with stories off the cuff and just running with them.
  44. Everything in this list is true, but I have had to work hard at making sure I didn’t include anything that was fabricated. I really wanted to and I may still do it yet.
  45. The best thing I have ever done in my life is become a parent. It is the hardest and the scariest, but still the best.
  46. I used to say that I wanted six children. I still do, but I am not sure that it is a reasonable goal.
  47. In college I told one of my girlfriends that I wanted to have six children. She told me that I was selfish and crazy, that it was unfair to ask one woman to bear that many children for me. I told her thatI told her that was very spiritual and that I would do as my forefathers did. I said that I would spare her the full load and offered to marry her and her two sisters. Not only did I offer my hand in marriage but health, retirement and vacation benefits.She didn’t think that was funny. I still smile about it.
  48. The scariest thing about being a parent is my own memory of the things that I did. I cringe sometimes at the thought of my children doing as I did.
  49. I sometimes think that G-d gave me a daughter to punish/teach me a lesson. I love her dearly, but again when I think about boys/men and girls it makes me crazy. I work out harder so that when I am 50 those boys who come looking for my daughter will think twice about it. I don’t really think that it will work, I never was intimidated by fathers, but maybe it will work for me. Who knows.
  50. I almost never proofread my posts. I don’t spell check them and unless someone points out a mistake it sits there, a siren notifying the world of my silly error.
  51. I always wanted to be able to speak with an Irish accent. I don’t know why, but I do. I can do a pretty good Southern accent. If I am speaking with someone with a drawl it just sneaks out of me. It can be strong enough to fool people into thinking that I am from Dixie. Of course they get a little irate when they hear me speak in my normal voice, but that is a story for a different day.
  52. I could extend this silly list of nonsense, but I am not sure that it is even worth posting so I’ll cut it off here for now.

Fighting With Fools- Message boards

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I have been involved in a number of different message boards. At one time or another I have been part of forums on CNN, the NY Times, ABC and a number of other places. And any time the topic of discussion was something that people feel passionately about the tone eventually grew quite ugly.

I can’t think of a single place where flame wars didn’t didn’t spring up. And to those who know me it will not be surprising to read that I have been involved in some of those wars. I like a good debate. I like to challenge and be challenged, but all the same in time each one of those places went from being a placed I liked to frequent to something ugly and nasty.

The negativity and ugliness always began to wear me down because the dialogue just wasn’t that interesting. It turned into something dull where ideas were no longer being exchanged, just insults.

Don’t get me wrong, I admit to kind of enjoying that. I admit to being a button pusher and shitstirrer, not every time or in every instance, but I have had my share of fun making getting a rise out of people. And many have done it to me.

But the thing that really got to me, the one thing that just consistently bothered me were the racist views that would come out in these places from people I had thought were more thoughtful and moderate.

The outright racists were easy to deal with. They never hid their position, never dissembled or disguised their hatred. It was easy to handle that. But those closet cases were something else, they did bother me.

They did make me wonder how many people actually believe some of the crap that I was reading. And it made me wonder if there was any point all in debating with them. Was I accomplishing anything by trying to engage with them, trying to convince them to look at things a different way.

I am not sure that it was. I am not sure that it made a difference for them or for anyone who was lurking. Or maybe it did, I just don’t know.

What I decided was that I would turn my focus from some of these venues and go elsewhere. And from time to time I would poke my head in and try to steer the conversation in different directions, I would try and correct misinformation on some topics. But I always reminded myself to not get caught up in these holes for too long. Too much negative energy.

The world can be so bright and so beautiful, but it can also be so very ugly.

Just Some Odds And Ends

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“I used to be hell on wheels
back when i was younger man
now my body says, “you can’t do this boy”

but my pride says, “oh, yes you can

I ain’t as good as I once was
that’s just the cold hard truth
I still throw a few back, talk a little smack
when I’m feelin bullet proof
so don’t double dog dare me now
’cause I’d have to call your bluff “
Toby Keith- As Good As I Once Was

I love that song, the lyrics just feel so, real. I am not old, not even close to it but I notice a few new aches and pains have made themselves at home. There are days where I can hear cracks, squeaks and other assorted noises come from various places around my body. I bruise more easily than I used to and the recovery time is a little bit longer, but overall I feel good.

I can’t play ball every day without noticing the impact and effect the pounding has. By the end of the week my legs feel a little rubbery and my back aches, but to a certain extent that is due to the punishment I put myself through. When I play ball I play at one speed, full. It is the only way that I can keep up and frankly I get so little time on the court I am determined to play to near exhaustion. I love that high.

Tonight the Detroit Pistons went down in flames. They are a very good team, but they are not great, not even close to it. Last year they managed to beat my Lakers and it was a very bitter defeat because had the Lakers been injury free they would have prevailed, they lost to a team that was not as good as them, but I have to give the Pistons some credit because they were hungrier. They worked harder, outhustled the Lakers and they won.

But this year we saw them for what they were, a flash in the pan. A solid team that has shining moments, but is just not good enough to be considered great. But I respect their not giving up and their work ethic because talent is meaningless if you do not use it. If you are unwilling to work at it whatever talent you have is meaningless.

Today I encountered some people who made me shake my head. They justified terror, explained and excused the acts of people who murder indiscriminately. They tried to give license to these murderers because they cannot conceive of evil. They cannot imagine that people would murder others because of hatred. They pointed at the Holocaust and claimed that the numbers are unreal, that 6 million dead is propaganda, hype and hysteria.

They disappoint me and in truth today they hurt me. It doesn’t happen all that often because I learned long ago that evil does exist, that there are people who would kill me, slaughter those I hold dear for the most trivial of reasons. It saddens me to admit that this blackness exists. Most of the time I feel like I walk in the sunshine, but there are times in which I enter the darkness and today was one of those moments.

I am irritated that the country is so polarized that just using certain expressions can negatively influence a person’s proclivity to be open and understanding. Life is not always black and white, it is not always an “us versus them” world, but then again it is not all sunshine and roses either.

I don’t have the energy to maintain this line of thought so I think that I’ll try a a new post.

Do You Stand "In Line" or "On Line"

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I am a native Californian, born and bred within the fine city of Los Angeles. During my travels to different places around the country and the world I have had to wait to get on planes, into movies, walk through airport security and been a member of lines to get into any number of places.

Most of the time I have had to wait “in-line” in spite of the attempts of some people to get me to wait “on-line” but I most definitely have never been part of the queue.

I have to say that I just don’t like the term, “on-line” that is. When it comes to having to wait to enter somewhere it just feels awkward and unnatural to say that I am waiting “on-line” unless of course I am surfing the net.