Rough Toilet Paper/Getting Dressed in the Dark
I got a rough start to the day. Due to circumstances somewhat beyond my control I didn’t go to bed until a few minutes after one and I distinctly remember looking at the clock at 1:15 am and wondering why my eyes were opened.
My daughter is teething now. She is 13 months an until the other day had about three teeth, or at least those were the ones we could see. She is now intent on proving that she can cut new teeth faster than sharks and has moments in which she turns into the Exorcist baby. She screams and flails and is generally miserable.
Most of the time these bouts hit her somewhere in the middle of the night, ok they hit during the day too, but since I am working I miss most of them. But I sure didn’t miss her at 4 am this morning. Tried hard to console her and make her feel better but by 4:30 I was relatively certain that sleep was unlikely and by 5:15 had confirmed it.
Left the house shortly afterwards to go to work and was midtrip when I realized that nature was hollering at me. Quickly pulled into the local Walgreens where I had to force my way by three young men who were on the tail end of an all-night long bender.
Hit the stall just in time and was pleased to see that Gigantor had not managed to follow me and then was unpleasantly surprised to discover that the toilet paper in Walgreens is organic. They gave me Pine Cones and leaves with a sprinkling of sandpaper.
For some of you this will be in the category of too much information, but what the hell is wrong with the manufacturers of toilet paper. Am I unfamiliar with some law of basic hygiene that says that if your tuchus is not on fire you are not properly clean. Is there some sadistic SOB who needs to know that he has incredible control over others.
What is so hard about supplying soft toilet paper or even a small pressure washer. Why do I need to be reminded hours later that I had this experience. I don’t know.
Enough on that and now for a word about getting dressed in the dark. Not unlike many others I am fortunate enough to own several pairs of shoes. Just so that it is clear, I am not like so many women who must own at least 700 pairs of shoes. And yes I am the guy that went to the Shoe Blog and argued with people there because I could.
Anyway, I grabbed what I thought were a pair of black shoes and went to work. It wasn’t until I got here that I realized that I am wearing two different shoes. They are both black, but they are not the same. So I have now forced the two to intermarry, The Rockports just met their distant cousins the other Rockports. No word yet on whether the shidduch was truly successful.
All I know is that I am tired and cranky and today is the day when my bite will be far worse than my bark. And to the truckdriver on the freeway who drove that rig as if his own ass were on fire, let us be happy that you and I didn’t get to dance today. You damn near killed me you big oaf.
Ok, one quick cleansing breath and I am returning to my normal state of calm and collected coolness. Oh, who am I fooling. I am pissed off and it will take a little while for me to calm down.