Rough Toilet Paper/Getting Dressed in the Dark

I got a rough start to the day. Due to circumstances somewhat beyond my control I didn’t go to bed until a few minutes after one and I distinctly remember looking at the clock at 1:15 am and wondering why my eyes were opened.

My daughter is teething now. She is 13 months an until the other day had about three teeth, or at least those were the ones we could see. She is now intent on proving that she can cut new teeth faster than sharks and has moments in which she turns into the Exorcist baby. She screams and flails and is generally miserable.

Most of the time these bouts hit her somewhere in the middle of the night, ok they hit during the day too, but since I am working I miss most of them. But I sure didn’t miss her at 4 am this morning. Tried hard to console her and make her feel better but by 4:30 I was relatively certain that sleep was unlikely and by 5:15 had confirmed it.

Left the house shortly afterwards to go to work and was midtrip when I realized that nature was hollering at me. Quickly pulled into the local Walgreens where I had to force my way by three young men who were on the tail end of an all-night long bender.

Hit the stall just in time and was pleased to see that Gigantor had not managed to follow me and then was unpleasantly surprised to discover that the toilet paper in Walgreens is organic. They gave me Pine Cones and leaves with a sprinkling of sandpaper. Ok, don’t, silence is better.

For some of you this will be in the category of too much information, but what the hell is wrong with the manufacturers of toilet paper. Am I unfamiliar with some law of basic hygiene that says that if your tuchus is not on fire you are not properly clean. Is there some sadistic SOB who needs to know that he has incredible control over others.

What is so hard about supplying soft toilet paper or even a small pressure washer. Why do I need to be reminded hours later that I had this experience. I don’t know.

Enough on that and now for a word about getting dressed in the dark. Not unlike many others I am fortunate enough to own several pairs of shoes. Just so that it is clear, I am not like so many women who must own at least 700 pairs of shoes. And yes I am the guy that went to the Shoe Blog and argued with people there because I could.

Anyway, I grabbed what I thought were a pair of black shoes and went to work. It wasn’t until I got here that I realized that I am wearing two different shoes. They are both black, but they are not the same. So I have now forced the two to intermarry, The Rockports just met their distant cousins the other Rockports. No word yet on whether the shidduch was truly successful.

All I know is that I am tired and cranky and today is the day when my bite will be far worse than my bark. And to the truckdriver on the freeway who drove that rig as if his own ass were on fire, let us be happy that you and I didn’t get to dance today. You damn near killed me you big oaf.

Ok, one quick cleansing breath and I am returning to my normal state of calm and collected coolness. Oh, who am I fooling. I am pissed off and it will take a little while for me to calm down.

(Visited 45 times, 1 visits today)

16 Comments

  1. Jack's Shack August 26, 2005 at 5:17 pm

    Thank you Peter Cetera.

  2. PsychoToddler August 26, 2005 at 5:00 pm

    I get dressed in the dark too.

    Oh, and uh

    Chicago 25 or 6 2 4

  3. Jack's Shack August 26, 2005 at 4:30 pm

    Ok, the table collapsed, but here is an easy way to understand it.

    The first number is for LA, the second is for detroit and the third is the national average. For example let’s look at the murder rate.

    LA- 11.6
    detroit- 42.6
    National Avg.- 3.9

    You Better buy a vest and a gun.

  4. Jack's Shack August 26, 2005 at 4:27 pm

    Just for fun let’s compare numbers on Crime (http://www.bestplaces.net/city/compare_Los_Angeles_CA_to_Detroit_MI?CRIME)

    You’ll notice that Detroit is so far and ahead of the nation and Los Angeles. It must be nice to be part of such a violent and unsafe place to live.

    CRIME Los Angeles, California Detroit, Michigan National Avg.
    Violent Crime 1283.2 2253.9 446.1
    Property Crime 3305.5 8162.4 4162.2
    CATEGORIES crimes per 100,000 pop.
    Murder 11.6 42.6 3.9
    Rape 35.3 81 32.8
    Robbery 394.8 802.3 116.3
    Assault 841.5 1328 293
    Burglary 589.6 1874.6 761.4
    Larceny 2039.8 3542.2 3037.8
    Auto Theft 676.1 2745.6 361.8

  5. Jack's Shack August 26, 2005 at 4:14 pm

    Anonymous,

    Bubbehleh, You are quoting an article that is 18 months old, assuming that you didn’t fabricate it because there was no URL. I could just leave it at that, but I will not.

    But because I am smarter than you I Googled your story and found that you pulled this information from a two bit magazine that did a very poor job of compiling information and making it clear what area they are talking about. The data they used covers an area that is around 150 square miles.

    Not to mention that the employment data is from 2002 which was right in the middle of the most recent recession and stock market plunge.

    The most recent LA Times articles and national reports regarding Los Angeles speak of a different story. The job market is excellent, traffic is not great and the housing market is tough.

    A couple more quick points:

    The NFL has not come here because LA voters have been unwilling to pay for the construction of a stadium. These teama are owned by billionaires who can easily handle that. But if it makes you feel better to suggest that we are less of a city because we are not stupid enough to give charitable donations to billionaires, well you got me.

    Let us not forget the great Governor of CA – asta la vista baby!

    And this is significant and meaningful because of what pray tell?

    Oh by the way at least Sheed just threatens unlike Kobe who actually takes it out on young girls!

    Kobe was found to be innocent as opposed to Sheed who was not and was heavily fined by the league for his threats of violence. Sheed who routinely leads the league in technical fouls given for poor sportsmanship and cheap shots.

    Oh boy, if I could only live in a dying city like detroit. What a dump.

  6. Anonymous August 26, 2005 at 3:58 pm

    Let us qoute your own LA TIMES!
    06 FEBRUARY 2004:
    L.A. SUCKS — CONFIRMED
    In the six-county region surrounding Los Angeles, traffic is the worst in the nation, jobs are tough to come by, a home costs a fortune, the public schools are largely a shambles and the air, after a short spell of getting
    cleaner, is smogging up again and of course NO sign of any NFL team wanting to come within 50 miles of LA!!
    to continue-
    Traffic in the six-county region remained the nation’s worst,
    with people spending an average of 50 hours a year stuck in traffic. What’s more, the use of mass transit stayed low, carpooling declined and highway
    fatalities were higher than the national urban average.
    Oh yeah give it up to those smart ones – or not –
    In all counties, fewer than 40% of high school graduates finished courses required for admission to the state’s university system, and the region ranked last among the nation’s largest urban regions for the percentage of adults with at least high school diplomas.
    Let us not forget the great Governor of CA – asta la vista baby!
    Oh by the way at least Sheed just threatens unlike Kobe who actually takes it out on young girls!

  7. Jack's Shack August 26, 2005 at 6:19 am

    Hi Jaime,

    It did and it does every time I find myself in that kind of situation.

  8. Sweettooth120 August 26, 2005 at 2:59 am

    Hey Jack didn’t that throw you back in time …Israel…tp that you could use to write letters back home on.

  9. callieischatty August 26, 2005 at 1:59 am

    Well having two babies I can speak to this.

    I stayed home with the kids when they were small while my lawyer husband shook that money tree.

    May I give you some accolades for even knowing your baby is teething.

    My husband is a great Dad, but that all happened while he was fast asleep.

    :+]mkatq

  10. Jack's Shack August 25, 2005 at 8:46 pm

    Show me a real championship, one that was earned and maybe we’ll talk.

    Show me a team that has an owner with so much class that he badmouths the old coach out the door, the one who helped him steal a championship.

    detroit is a mess and if you really want to dig into players why not talk about Sheed leading the league in technical fouls. Or how about him threatening the refs with phyiscal violence.

    P.S. If you read any of the national reports you’ll see that detroit is among the leading losers, crime unemployment, character and more.

    Special place.

  11. Anonymous August 25, 2005 at 8:10 pm

    I guess South Central LA is beautiful this time of year! Oh, I guess the Lakers are going with Showtime again as in Show me some points from someone else besides the Sexual Deviant, Rapist.

  12. Jack's Shack August 25, 2005 at 7:42 pm

    Anonymous,

    Your comment Blue me away, way across the grungy, ugly, stark neighborhoods of detroit. Prepare for another 10 years or more of piston failure.

    Stacey,

    You are still a monkey.

    IE,

    Another reason I am happy to be a man.

    Lejnd,

    I feel your pain.

  13. bornfool August 25, 2005 at 7:20 pm

    I was in Kenya in ’86. The lodge where I stayed had TP that said Extra-Soft on the wrapper (in English even.) Inside was an extra wide roll of tan crepe paper. I would have hated to see the TP that wasn’t extra-soft. My ass has yet to forgive me.

  14. Anne August 25, 2005 at 6:10 pm

    Sympathetic on the TP situation. While pregnant I had the usual plumbing problems and wished, oh how I wished, for a freakin’ bidet. A nice splash of water on my sore spots would’ve done wonders, both for cleanliness and mood.

  15. Anonymous August 25, 2005 at 6:02 pm

    California would be the only state that sells organic toilet paper! perhaps it will help all the stuck ups pull their thumbs out of their asses!
    Hear that Jack!

  16. Stacey August 25, 2005 at 4:06 pm

    Bwahahahaha! Two different shoes?! I did that a few months ago with earrings (how embarrassing — ok, so I am not a morning person)! But at least I could walk through the office with them off!

    And I hear you about the tp. I hate wiping with sandpaper. Charmin Plus (with Aloe) is where it’s at!!

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  
Please enter an e-mail address

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

You may also like