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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Archives for April 2006

Another Bathroom Tale Revisited

April 17, 2006 by Jack Steiner 10 Comments

Hi folks,

I received a couple of requests for more tales from the toilet. So here you go with a blast from the past called Urine For a Story. Originally posted here.

Sorry for the bad pun, but within the last 30 days or so I have read three different entries about bathroom habits and decided to list my own commentary.

For those of you who like to play along allow me to begin by citing the entries that led to the flow of consciousness that resulted in this piece.

On the 23rd anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah Monsieur Bogner recited a tale of woe regarding the lack of bathroom etiquette at his office.

“Which is why it has been freakin’ me out to no end that my Israeli coworkers come waltzing into the bathroom and strike up cheerful conversations with me in the morning. They lean back against the sinks while I am, y’know, ‘going over the scouting report’, and say things like, “Good Morning!”, and “How was Shabbat” and “How’s the family?” They sometimes even commit the ultimate sin: They slap me on the back!

THERE’S NO TOUCHING IN THE BATHROOM!

Even accidentally jostling somebody’s elbow is an unpardonable transgression… but to actually reach out and intentionally touch someone who is ‘on deck’ or [gasp] actually ‘in the batter’s box’ is unforgivable!

DON’T DO THAT!”

At the time I must have placed my brain on autopilot because if I had thought about it I could have provided him with some useful tools to assist him in solving this problem. You see back in April B2 at Toner Mishap did a fine job of illustrating the art of urinal selection. And when I say a fine job allow me to share some of the graphics he developed to go alongside his work.



As I mentioned, at the time I was reading the Treppenwitz post I should have mentioned the Toner Mishap post, but it slipped my mind.

A short time later the next post in this series appeared in which we learned of the challenges presented when technology fails to serve it’s purpose. And that leads me to the next section of this rambling, ambling tale of secretions and excretions.

At some point last year I wrote about a gentleman I know and his bathroom habits. I am not sure what he eats, but I suspect that he may be a cannibal or someone who consumes rotting flesh because the only way that you can enter the men’s room after he has been in there is in a hazmat suit. There is nuclear waste coming out of him that causes you to choke and gag.

A short time ago I was forced to respond to nature’s call in spite of the stench that permeated the stalls. As I exited my own and prepared to wash my hands a man began to enter and immediately began coughing. Prior to his quick departure he shot a look of disgust at me and I knew that he now considers me the cause of the olfactory offensive. It has since been confirmed because when he sees me approach the bathroom he makes an effort not to go in. Oh the shame to be seen in his eyes as if I am Pumba.

But returning to the topic of urine and urinals allow me to share a couple more observations and comments. I find it odd when:

  1. men put their beer/coke/lunch on the corner of the urinal. I find it more odd to see them keep drinking while they are engaged in their business. It is as if they are concerned with replacing the fluid that they lose as fast as they lose it.
  2. I hate standing next to a guy whose hands are behind his head or anywhere in my line of sight. I am looking straight ahead, if your waving catches my eye there is a problem.
  3. I don’t like men who lean their heads against the bathroom wall while they are engaged in such business.
  4. And I especially dislike being misted by the guy next to me. Yes, I admit to having had that happen. The force is so great that it sprays off of his urinal and onto me. This is one reason why I like to have space between myself and the guy next to me.

I think that this should do it for now, but you never know when tales of the potty may return.

Filed Under: Bathroom Stuff, Random Thoughts

Yet Another Get Rich Quick Scheme

April 16, 2006 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

Shola is going to be so disappointed to learn that so many people want to make me rich. I received the following letter.

Dear Friend

I want you to patiently read this offer that will surely benefit both of us.
My name is Dr. Yoni Phil . I am a native of South Africa. I got a good
piece of information about you during my search for a trust-worthy and
honest person who can handle this confidential business with me.

I was able to make $15,000.000.00 USD cash. The money is currently deposited
with a Security Company in England, as I cannot go to the Company because it
was deposited with a name of a foriegner for security reasons. Now I want to
move the money out of England for proper investment like real eastate,
tourism industry etc I do not want to invest in England due to all their
strict/irrelevant laws and investigation, low profit and high tax on foriegn
investment.

This is why I decided to contact you. I want the money to be moved out of
England for proper investment to any country where you will receive it and
keep it until I come over to meet with you. All plans and arrangements have
been on how to move the cash from England to any other country.

For assisting and also helping me in investing the money in a business that
will bring quick and good profits, you will benefit a reasonable part of the
total money. I also have plans to giving some part of the money to the
Tsunami victims and other Charitable Organizations.

Please reply this message as soon as you read it to let me know your mind on
this proposition. Send me your private phone, fax and mobile phone numbers
as you reply this message. Once I am convinced that you are totally willing
to cooperate with me on this assignment, I will let you know how to go about
this. Note that this proposal is a top secret and should be kept
confidential at all time. While I hope to hear from you.

Please reply to me at

Best regards,
Dr. Yoni Phil

To which I sent the following reply

Dear Dr. Phil,

I appreciate your taking the time to contact me and am excited about the prospect of helping you.

As you said England is not the place to invest because all of those strict and irrelevant laws are cumbersome, unwieldy and just get in the way of making honest money.

My favorite uncle J. Edgar Hoover has a business that I think we can use to assist us in moving these funds to a place from which we can all benefit. I need to excretely look into the possibility of using these services and thereby obtain the results from which we are looking for.

I am working on this now as we speak. Thank you for contacting me. I am humbly yours.

The best,

Jack Indabox

And then received this note

Dera Mr. Jack Indabox,
Thank you for your kind reply. I believe I did not choose you by error.
I want you to help me invest this my God given fortune when I come over to your country. I hope my God and my destiny will not fool me.

First I would like to let you know that I have served humanity for a long time in a country that is abundantly blessed with such scarce natural resources like Diamond. In fact, I see it as my share of the global cake, please do not blame me. Honestly, I acquired this fund not really illegal because there is a mutual understanding between me and my co-workers and more over it is for me and for the future of my Child.

I deposited this fund in a Finance and security company in UK with the name of a foreign partner which was a code I used for security reason only. Now that I want to use this fund for a proper investment, I would like to present you as the beneficiary to this deposit so that I will apply for the release and delivery of this fund to you in your country so we can start any profitable business.

To start with, kindly provide me with the following information;
(1) your name as it appears in your international passport with date of birth.
(2) your receiving address.
(3) your active telephone and fax numbers and your occupation.
If I am convinced with your information, I will let you know and I
will proceed with the application for the release of this fund without
delay. If you will accept having 20% of the whole money at the end of this project, then we are making a progress.

It is important to let you know that this deal will be carried out

under a proper and legitimate arrangement that will prevent us from any
bridge of laws both national and international laws. Thank you for your
co operations and have a great day.

Best Regards
Dr. Philemon Yoni.

The last paragraph made me choke. He wants to be sure that we follow the law. Of course in his initial note he said “Through the smuggling and selling of diamonds from South Africa to England,” which I suppose means that he thinks smuggling is legal. Here is my response to him.

It is well and good to hear from you. I agree that the dear lord is smiling down upon us and in the name of all that is good and holy wishes to bless us.

You should know that I am a member of the illustrious and illustrated Church of the Bullfrog. As a life long member of the church I am privileged to hold the title of Bishop of Bullfrog.

This endows me with many privileges and powers that perform perfectly, perpetually and perceptively to provide perfect performance. As a Bishop I need to be quite careful in who I allow to use my name and countenance.

As you may know there are many who would use the word to engage in deceit and deception. As I am a true believer of the church I do not believe that you are such, but need to ask you for a sign of your truth, honesty and integrity.

What can you provide me with to prove that you are who you are and not who you are not.

While I await your reply I have contacted my fellow bishops Mr. Popeye and Mr. Bluto. They are financial experts and will help to identify the best investments for us.

Thank you most kindly,

Jack Indabox

Filed Under: Uncategorized

She Had a Boy

April 15, 2006 by Jack Steiner 10 Comments

What do you do when the baby has a baby. Ok, she and her twin would both be irritated to read this as they are now 32. How did that happen? Ok, don’t answer that, I know how it happened but I find this to be so surreal.

My nephew joined us all on his own schedule. There is something fitting about that as in my family we all have a way of doing things a little bit differently. My poor sister was in labor for 2,987,600 minutes and 30 seconds. Ok, I exaggerated a little, but if you ask my sister she’ll tell you that it wasn’t by much.

She was in labor for hours but the little fella decided that he liked his home and refused to disengage. Eventually they had to perform a C-Section and now with much thanks we have a healthy baby and healthy mother.

As for this proud uncle my head is spinning. I remember the day that my parents brought her and her twin sister home. I cried. I already had a sister and wanted a brother. My father loves to tell that story.

A little while after the birth I called G and left him a message. The twins were just a few months old when he and I met. He watched them grow up and feels rather protective of them.

Back to the present day. I think that the BIL has finally stopped shaking. He is a good guy, but I don’t think that he really understood what he was gettting himself into. Life just smacked him in the mouth and kicked him in the ass and then for good measure it shook him.

When I last saw him he was walking around in a daze. I am a little concerned but not too worried. He’ll be ok. He and my sister have a ton of help.

That’s it for now. As the eldest uncle I have some family obligations to take care of. Be back later to respond to more comments.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Iran- A Very Dangerous Game

April 14, 2006 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

I have been paying very close attention to the rhetoric being spewed out from Tehran. Ahmadinejad is one scary fellow. I encourage you to use the links to all three stories and read them in their entirety.

“TEHRAN, Iran — The president of Iran again lashed out at Israel on Friday and said it was “heading toward annihilation,” just days after Tehran raised fears about its nuclear activities by saying it successfully enriched uranium for the first time.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Israel a “permanent threat” to the Middle East that will “soon” be liberated. He also appeared to again question whether the Holocaust really happened.

“Like it or not, the Zionist regime is heading toward annihilation,” Ahmadinejad said at the opening of a conference in support of the Palestinians. “The Zionist regime is a rotten, dried tree that will be eliminated by one storm.”

Ahmadinejad provoked a world outcry in October when he said Israel should be “wiped off the map.”

I take him very seriously. As I said in an earlier post:

“I think that history has demonstrated that one should always pay attention when someone says that they are going to try and exterminate you.”

I am not happy about any of this because I just see it leading to war. I have a couple of selections from Victor David Hanson and Mark Steyn to share with you.

Steyn writes:

“With the fatwa against Salman Rushdie, a British subject, Tehran extended its contempt for sovereignty to claiming jurisdiction over the nationals of foreign states, passing sentence on them, and conscripting citizens of other countries to carry it out. Iran’s supreme leader instructed Muslims around the world to serve as executioners of the Islamic Republic—and they did, killing not Rushdie himself but his Japanese translator, and stabbing the Italian translator, and shooting the Italian publisher, and killing three dozen persons with no connection to the book when a mob burned down a hotel because of the presence of the novelist’s Turkish translator.

Iran’s de facto head of state offered a multimillion-dollar bounty for a whack job on an obscure English novelist. And, as with the embassy siege, he got away with it.

In the latest variation on Marx’s dictum, history repeats itself: first, the unreadable London literary novel; then, the Danish funny pages. But in the 17 years between the Rushdie fatwa and the cartoon jihad, what was supposedly a freakish one-off collision between Islam and the modern world has become routine. We now think it perfectly normal for Muslims to demand the tenets of their religion be applied to society at large: the government of Sweden, for example, has been zealously closing down websites that republish those Danish cartoons. As Khomeini’s successor, Ayatollah Khamenei, has said, “It is in our revolution’s interest, and an essential principle, that when we speak of Islamic objectives, we address all the Muslims of the world.” Or as a female Muslim demonstrator in Toronto put it: “We won’t stop the protests until the world obeys Islamic law.”

If that’s a little too ferocious, Kofi Annan framed it rather more soothingly: “The offensive caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad were first published in a European country which has recently acquired a significant Muslim population, and is not yet sure how to adjust to it.”

If you’ve also “recently acquired” a significant Muslim population and you’re not sure how to “adjust” to it, well, here’s the difference: back when my Belgian grandparents emigrated to Canada, the idea was that the immigrants assimilated to the host country. As Kofi and Co. see it, today the host country has to assimilate to the immigrants: if Islamic law forbids representations of the Prophet, then so must Danish law, and French law, and American law. Iran was the progenitor of this rapacious extraterritoriality, and, if we had understood it more clearly a generation ago, we might be in less danger of seeing large tracts of the developed world being subsumed by it today.”

And

“The question then arises, what do they want them for?

By way of illustration, consider the country’s last presidential election. The final round offered a choice between Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an alumnus of the U.S. Embassy siege a quarter-century ago, and Hashemi Rafsanjani, head of the Expediency Council, which sounds like an EU foreign policy agency but is, in fact, the body that arbitrates between Iran’s political and religious leaderships. Ahmadinejad is a notorious shoot-from-the-lip apocalyptic hothead who believes in the return of the Twelfth (hidden) Imam and quite possibly that he personally is his designated deputy, and he’s also claimed that when he addressed the United Nations General Assembly last year a mystical halo appeared and bathed him in its aura. Ayatollah Rafsanjani, on the other hand, is one of those famous “moderates.”

What’s the difference between a hothead and a moderate? Well, the extremist Ahmadinejad has called for Israel to be “wiped off the map,” while the moderate Rafsanjani has declared that Israel is “the most hideous occurrence in history,” which the Muslim world “will vomit out from its midst” in one blast, because “a single atomic bomb has the power to completely destroy Israel, while an Israeli counter-strike can only cause partial damage to the Islamic world.” Evidently wiping Israel off the map seems to be one of those rare points of bipartisan consensus in Tehran, the Iranian equivalent of a prescription drug plan for seniors: we’re just arguing over the details.

So the question is: Will they do it?

Victor David Hanson shares the following thoughts:

“…the Iranians are engaged in a three-part strategy to obtain nuclear weapons. First, they conduct military exercises, showing off novel weapons systems with purportedly exotic capabilities, while threatening to unleash terror against global commerce and the United States. It may be a pathetic and circus-like exercise born of desperation, but the point of such military antics is to show the West there will be some real costs to taking out Iranian nuclear installations.

Second, Iranians simultaneously send out their Westernized diplomats to the U.N. and the international media to sound sober, judicious, and aggrieved — pleading that a victimized Iran only wants peaceful nuclear energy and has been unfairly demonized by an imperialistic United States. The well-spoken professionals usually lay out all sorts of protocols and talking-points, all of which they will eventually subvert — except the vacuous ones which lead nowhere, but nevertheless appeal to useful Western idiots of the stripe that say “Israel has a bomb, so let’s be fair.”

Third, they talk, talk, talk — with the Europeans, Chinese, Russians, Hugo Chavez, anyone and everyone, and as long as possible — in order to draw out the peace-process and buy time in the manner of the Japanese militarists of the late 1930s, who were still jawing about reconciliation on December 7, 1941, in Washington.

During this tripartite approach, the Iranians take three steps forward, then one back, and end up well on their way to acquiring nuclear weapons. Despite all the passive-aggressive noisemaking, they push insidiously onward with development, then pause when they have gone too far, allow some negotiations, then are right back at it. And we know why: nuclear acquisition for Iran is a win-win proposition.

If they obtain an Achaemenid bomb and restore lost Persian grandeur, it will remind a restless population that the theocrats are nationalists after all, not just pan-Islamic provocateurs. A nuclear Iran can create all sorts of mini-crises in the Gulf — on a far smaller scale than Saddam’s invasion of Kuwait — which could spike oil prices, given the omnipresence of the Iranian atomic genie. The Persian Gulf, given world demand for oil, is a far more fragile landscape than in 1991.”

Scary stuff, just very frightening. Unless something major takes place I sadly lay my money down on black. We will officially be at war with Iran in the not so distant future.

Filed Under: Israel

The Hokey Pokey Versus The Bunny Hop

April 14, 2006 by Jack Steiner 3 Comments

Now I don’t know about you, but there are few things in life that are as exciting to me as creating a spontaneous Hokey Pokey or Bunny Hop. The idea is to find a crowd and then convince members of the crowd to join you in the dance. It is a fine way to make new friends and acquaintances.

You might be surprised at how quickly people will join you in the dance, especially if they see a camera or someone asking for their headshots. All it really takes is two or three people to get things going and before you know it there are hundreds and then thousands of people dancing.

This one time at bandcamp we went to the mall and convinced the security guards and the girls working at Hot Dog On a Stick to join us. What a hoot. You should have seen how quickly the bystanders became participants. I understand that this event served an introductory role to 17 different couples and now 15 years later there are 38 children who owe their being to the Great Hokey Pokey danceoff of 1989.

Just thinking about this makes my heart swell with pride.

I just know that if I could convince the UN to hold an impromptu Hokey Pokey we could bring peace to more places in the world. But, there is one caveat to this.

You have to be very careful not to let the World Bunny Hop Assoication (WBHA) show up at the same time at the Hokey Pokey Swinger (HBS) do their thing. There is a lot of bad blood between those groups. I may just have to share that with you a little later.

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Filed Under: NBA

Wondrous Places & Things

April 14, 2006 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

While reading this I stumbled onto another link that listed the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World as well as a list of what they term as forgotten wonders. In case you are wondering I intend to try and visit all of them.

  • Abu Simbel Temple in Egypt
  • Angkor Wat in Cambodia
  • The Aztec Temple in Tenochtitlan (Mexico City), Mexico
  • The Banaue Rice Terraces in the Philippines
  • Borobudur Temple in Indonesia
  • The Colosseum in Rome, Italy
  • The Great Wall of China
  • The Inca city of Machu Picchu, Peru
  • The Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy
  • The Mayan Temples of Tikal in Northern Guatemala
  • The Moai Statues in Rapa Nui (Easter Island), Chile
  • Mont-Saint-Michel in Normandy, France
  • The Throne Hall of Persepolis in Iran
  • The Parthenon in Athens, Greece
  • Petra, the rock-carved city in Jordan
  • The Shwedagon Pagoda in Myanmar
  • Stonehenge in England
  • Taj Mahal in Agra, India
  • The Temple of the Inscriptions in Palenque, Mexico

Natural Wonders

  • Angel Falls in Venezuela
  • The Bay of Fundy in Nova Scotia, Canada
  • The Grand Canyon in Arizona, USA
  • The Great Barrier Reef in Australia
  • Iguaçú Falls in Brazil/Argentina
  • Krakatoa Island in Indonesia
  • Mount Everest in Nepal
  • Mount Fuji in Japan
  • Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania
  • Niagara Falls in Ontario (Canada) and New York State (USA)
  • Paricutin Volcano in Mexico
  • Victoria Falls in Zambia/Zimbabwe
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Filed Under: Things About Jack

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