One the reasons that I engaged in blogging was so that I could have an outlet in which to express my thoughts. It was designed to be a place in which I could say whatever I wanted without fear of repurcussion in my personal and or professional lives.
And for a while it was that. For a long time I was protected by my anonymity and able to use this corner of cyberspace to explore the dark places inside that rarely see the light. I took advantage of this freedom to try and purge myself of bits and pieces of baggage. There wasn’t anything unusual about that.
We all carry our own pieces of the past. Sometimes we are aware of this and sometimes we are not. Either way the past imposes itself upon our present and every now and then we find that the imposition of its will is not what we wish it to be. Sometimes in trying to avoid the things that burned us we inadvertantly create new issues that we would prefer not to have encountered.
My past and present and perhaps future collided here some time ago. It was unexpected and in some respects a bit painful. I was accused of calumniation and told that I had to change my ways.
It was an unwelcome and unforeseen consequence of having been a little bit too forthcoming with certain pieces of information. As a result of this I have edited out pieces of detail and changed how I approach things. My words do not glide as easily off of the keyboard and there are posts that have been created and destroyed because of my concern about the potential repurcussions.
As I do with everything I have tried to roll with the punches. I have done my best to just adapt, adjust and overcome but I question how much success I have had in doing so.
Sometimes your best efforts just aren’t good enough. If you haven’t guessed I am feeling a bit like I have been worked over by Guido and his three brothers. In a different time and place I would have used brute strength to break these chains. In a different time and place I would have responded with an all out assault upon those who tried to shackle me. But I am not that guy any more.
He stil lives inside my head and there are times in which I’d like to let the beast out of the cage but with age comes maturity. So now I am searching for the weak link. I am testing, pressing, prodding and pushing to see where the kinks in the armor are and sooner or later I will find it. And once I do I will exploit those to my advantage.
Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail and to learn from that failure. It is a painful lesson, but sometimes that pain is the only path you can take.