The Most Expensive Words You’ll Ever Hear

If you have ever engaged in any sort of remodeling of your home there are some words that you probably don’t want to hear. They include “oops,” “uh oh,” “that is going to hurt,” “you might as well” and “as long as.”

These are the saddest of possible words:
“Tinker to Evers to Chance.”
Trio of bear cubs, and fleeter than birds,
Tinker and Evers and Chance.
Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble,
Making a Giant hit into a double-
Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble:
“Tinker to Evers to Chance.”
Franklin Pierce Adams

If I had the wherewithal I’d come up with something similar using the words “as long as” to construct a sad ditty about how those three simple words are among the most expensive you will ever hear.

The reason being that they come with a price tag. “As long as you are working in this room you probably should do the two rooms that are connected to it,” “As long as you are going to redo this bathroom you should do the other because the house just won’t look right etc.”

These are the things you find yourself saying because as long as you are doing the work in one part of your house you might as well try and do the rest or so you convince yourself.

You have already signed onto a indefinite amount of chaos, dust and upheaval in your home. You have already hired someone to come and do this work so why shouldn’t you have him fix that little doohickey in the closet and properly patch that hole in the ceiling or fix the paint that is peeling.

And though you know that you didn’t want to spend that much cash you begin to justify these extras because you knew in advance that there would be some unforeseen circumstances that force you to spend a little bit more.

The crazy thing is that it makes perfect sense. It is your home, your castle, your own Fortress of Solitude so why wouldn’t you do everything you could to improve it and make it nicer. Improve your quality of living and your entire life improves.

Just think, if you are happier at home you end up being happier everywhere, including the office. In fact you are so happy you become twice as productive at the office and your boss gives you a raise and a promotion. What a deal.

But the problem is that after taxes the raise works out to be enough to cover one third of the additional cost of your construction and now you find that the improved quality of life is diminished because you are still struggling financially.

And how did all of this come to be? Well it started way back when you bitched at your spouse about how you didn’t have time to spend every weekend on the house and they suggested that you consider hiring a contractor because you might as well do it right. And as long as you were going to do this you ought to do that one other thing.

Oy, I think that I might as well take a vacation because as long as I have this construction going on around me I am going to need it.

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  1. Jack's Shack June 16, 2006 at 6:06 am


    That is not bad.


    Thanks. Luck is always welcome.


    Very true. 🙂

  2. mosheshmeal June 15, 2006 at 11:07 pm

    Some would argue that “the most expensive words you’ll ever hear” are ” Mazel Tov “.

  3. BarnGoddess June 15, 2006 at 8:01 pm

    remodeling/homeimprovemnt = my nightmare and my husband’s bank accounts worse nightmare as well. It takes A lot of beer and liquer, and even more money. Good luck to you

  4. Shlomo June 15, 2006 at 7:56 pm

    The Contractor’s Shpeil

    I know you don’t need it, but you just might as well
    Do an improvement you don’t need so it will faster sell
    Someday you’ll be thankful long after I’m out
    (When you finally realize what this bill is about)

    The plumber is coming and the dry-waller is late
    But when it’s all done it will look really great
    There’s a few extra things I might suggest
    I know cement guy who does patios best

    Those oops and these uh-ohs are easily fixed
    But the charges for labor cannot ever be nixed
    Nothing that moulding or caulking won’t hide
    Just don’t let the buyers look too close inside

    Now I know that you worry and I do agree
    It seems like a lot that you’re still paying to me
    But you’ll recoup it all of that I am sure
    Trust me, it’s worth all this headache that you must endure

    (Add stanzas at your leisure. I’m so happy that I am a 4th generation handyman.)

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